F& it all!
by Nitedream
Summary: A Hetalia Unit story based loosely on LolliDictator's manuals...yeah. Rated M for yaoi. Like, the OC having 'private time' with one of the units.
1. Chapter 1

Goddammit. Yes, it's happening. I'm making a fucking Hetalia Manual fic, based off the Hetalia Manual series by LolliDictator.

If you can't tell, I'm Andy. I jacked Kira's account to post this. She's currently in the hospital.

Weirdly enough, I started doing this after watching the Hetalia version of 'Alice Human Sacrifice'. You know, that creepy ass song from Vocaloid?

Yeah. Am I the only one noticing the increase of Indonesian Hetalia fics?

Warning: Serious freaky-weirdness crap. potential yaoi. potential noncon. potential whatever the hell I feel like putting in, and whatever sounds like Kira when I'm doing her part, because the basic plot is us...ordering the Hetalia units. also, fail accents is fail.

Disclaimer. Yeah. Do I look like Himaruya-sensei? No. I don't even have a Livejournal account. I also don't own most of the companies that are featured in here, except for the obvious ones.

Don't like it, don't read. And don't review. It's fanfiction, I'll do what I want. If you DO like it, please review.

Enjoy!

9/6/11: REWRITE~! (and it still pisses me off)

Chapter 1:

"Hoshit."

"What did you do!"

...0.0

VRRRR CLICK

"Fuck."

VRRRR CLICK

"Shit monkeys."

VRRRR CLICK

"How are you not dead yet!" The brunet male swerved around in his computer chair to glare at the maker of the noise. The insane blue-haired girl continued to revolve the gun's chamber again.

"How are we out of alcohol?" She shot back, holding the gun to her temple and waited for another CLICK.

The male groaned and grabbed his car keys. "I think it goes back to your ancestry of heavy drinkers. At any rate, it's because you're subconsiously TRYING to kill off your liver."

Kira grinned. "Thanks, love!"

"I'll be back." He sighed and left, the slam of the front door vibrating downstairs after a minute. The girl bounced off the bed and jacked the abandoned chair, reading the first line off the Word document the other was typing before finally giving into the temptation of preventing his lovable cousin from ruining his good bedsheets with blood and brain matter.

"'The aftermath of World War Two in Eur-Screw that. Why is he writing something like that?" She minimized the document and opened up the internet, automatically going to YouTube to find a new episode of World Series Hetalia.

Andy stomped the snow from his boots and opened the door, completing his exercises of killing someone in fifty different ways and getting away with it. "Kira! I got your swill! Are you dead?" He hung up his coat and traipsed down into the basement to see his cousin on his computer, reading a popup that got passed his firewall.

"WTF are you doing?" He asked, looking over her shoulder just as she clicked something.

"Hoshit."

Andy paused for a second, reading it. Then it happened. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!"

"...I kinda ordered a Hetalia unit?"

"WTF is a unit?"

"Apparently it's a robot or some shit. Did you get my vodka!" She asked excitedly.

"Upstairs." Andy sighed, sinking into his chair as soon as Kira left the room and reread the popup.

'Thank you KIRA NITEDREAM for agreeing to the Beta test of our new 'Axis Powers Hetalia' Units. Your first Unit should arrive from 1-4 business days. Thank you and Good luck. -Oblivion and Discipline Inc.'

"Oi vey~" Andy sighed and locked his door to ward off his nutcase cousin and her drunkeness. At least she left the gun behind...

A loud pounding at the door awoke Kira the next morning, currently crashed on the couch after finishing off a twelve-pack of awesomeness that is Budweiser. She stumbled her way to the door, then flinched back at the sight of the bright-ass morning sun reflecting off the snow.

"Hiissssssssss."

"Um, Hi?" The nervous delivery man called out. "I'm from Oblivion and Discipline Inc.'s Delivery Service. I have your package?"

"ANDYYYYYYY! YOUR PORN IS HERE!" Kira yelled, then abandoned the door in favor of stumbling back over to the couch and flopping over, one side dropping over it. A rattling came from the door leading to the basement before it opened, the harrassed brunet coming out in a a white t-shirt and boxers. He sighed at seeing the open door and peered outside.

"Sorry about that. What do you need?"

The poor delivery guy just thrust the clipboard at him. "Please just sign! I have your package from 'Oblivion and Discipline Inc.'!"

"God, why does that sound like a BDSM shop? I don't order porn over the internet..." Andy deadpanned as he signed the clipboard and stood aside as the man brought in the crate and left. Andy shivered from the leftover gust and kicked Kira's side, holding the manila envelope the delivery man had handed over.

"Oi, hungover dumbass. Wake up."

"Mmphrris..." She mumbled and looked up, bleary eyed. "The sun hurts. Wake me when it's nighttime."

"Your unit's here."

"Who they send?" She yawned. Andy just threw the envelope at her. "Find out for yourself. I'm getting some breakfast." Kira tore the envelope open as the boy left the room, turning on the Trans-Siberian Orchestra CD in their stereo.

"Hoshit...HIDE THE RUM!" Kira shouted, immediantly stumbling over a plot-convient Jack bottle against a Mike's. A ominous THUD filled the air as the bluenette turned slowly, to see a sadistically grinning blonde man with a eyepatch and tricone hat.

"A-andy..." Kira called anxiously.

"Sa matter wit ya, lass? Look as if you seen a ghost!" The man cackled.

"Oh fuck...not cool, yo...ANDY!"

"The hell you want, woman!" Andy yelled back, appearing in the doorway with a pan of something sizzling. His eyes followed Kira's gaze until he saw the man now casually sitting on the edge of his box.

"Welly well well...what a pretty lass. Bad mistake it was, calling your pretty friend in here, poppet." Pirate!England jumped down and approached Andy, grabbing his chin.

"You just HAD to click on that ad..." Andy groaned, glaring at his cousin. "But, dude, sorry to burst your bubble...but I'm a dude. Seriously." He winced when the grip tightened. "Ok, dude, ow..."

"Silence, wench!" Pirate!England growled out. Andy winced as his chin was freed, a blur of blue and black tackling the man to the ground and socking him across the face.

"TIME TO DIE."


	2. Chapter 2

9/26/11: REWRITTEN.

Chapter 2:

"OMG~~~!"

"Oh my god..."

...0

"GIVE ME THAT PAN!" Kira called out, jumping up to grab the forgotten pan and slam the approaching Pirate with it.

We watched him fall over unconsious, a large burn on his cheek.

"...Now what?" Kira asked.

I sighed. "Let's get him patched up and into bed...maybe he'll be more..."

"Resistant to raping you? Fuck no. Let's chain him to a tree out back. The cold'll make him PLENTY more agreeable." Kira cackled insanely.

"Read the manual to see if there are some warnings about him, I'm gonna get the first aid kit." I slammed the booklet into her hand and left the room. Kira shrugged and grabbed a lonely bottle of rum, sitting down next to the unconsious pirate captain.

"Anything?" I asked when I returned, kneeling next to the blonde and pulling his head towards me for better reach.

"He's drunker than Jack Sparrow, hornier than a dog in heat, and more sadistic then Russia on steroids. Fuck, dude, we gotta send him back." Kira combed her hair back with her fingers, a nervous habit she picked up in middle school while her parents went through a beyond ugly divorce.

"I think you just don't want your double hanging around and harrassing me..." I grumbled under my breath. "What units does he get along with? Maybe we can order one to make it easier?"

Kira gave me the 'are you beyond freaking INSANE yo' look.

"Don't look at me like that! You're the one that just HAD to get one of these things!"

"It's my fault they sent me this freakazoid on crack! Who's bright idea was it to design a Pirate!England unit! The only one he actually gets along with is Alfred! Unless you wanna get a Antonio as his personal punching bag."

I shrugged and rubbed the burn salve on our 'guest''s face. Kira took a swig of her rum, intent on getting plastered enough to sleep the day away. She put the nearly full bottle down on the floor and stood up, cracking her back.

"I'm going back to bed." She yawned.

"YOU'RE JUST GONNA ABANDON ME WITH HIM!" I freaked, my mind already filling with images that would get this fiction kicked off if I described them. Kira shrugged.

"Pretty much. Why do you think I left behind the rum? If it doesn't keep him occupied for awhile, you can always break it and dice him into ribbons. I lifted a foolproof recipe off the internet for dealing with bloodstains." She waved with a crazed grin and left the room. I groaned and looked down, placing a large bandage over the burn.

"Oh man...as usual, making the messes and expecting me to clean them up..." I sighed and stood up, grabbing the pirate under the arms and dragging him to the couch, grunting.

"SHIT YOU'RE HEAVY! She's could've at least stuck around to help me with this part!"

Pirate!England woke up an hour later to the smell of something sweet cooking and sat up, wondering how he ended up on this soft, squishy thing and under a thick blanket.

"Ow, easy, you fucked-up meathead!"

"Hold still, idiot!"

The yelling redirected his attention to the direction the sweets were coming from. He stamped to the doorway to grin at the sight of the blue-haired girl with her back squishing the brunet to the wall and yanking his arm forward with a pair of tweezers in the other hand.

"Stop trying to dislocate my arm!"

"Quit crying you tranny!"

"Fuck off!"

"Shut up before you wake up the fucking pirate!"

"A little too late for that, lass." England interrupted, leaning against the doorway. Kira froze and looked up.

"Shit monkeys. Yo, Arthur! Sleep good?"

England frowned at her easy-going grin, but his default one wiped her face clean.

"As well as can be expected, after a certain wench brained me with that skillet."

"Heheh...sorry about that! See, when I see Andy bing threatened...I kinda lose my mind..."

"KINDA! You nearly killed Greg Masters last month!"

"He was hurting you! You were crying and everything!"

"YOU ARE A MEGA-IDIOT! Think, how does Italy react when you tug on his curl!"

Kira froze for a second. "...then Masters was touching...I'M GLAD I SENT HIS ASS TO THE HOSPITAL!"

"WITH YOU AROUND I'M GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!"

"GOOD! YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME, AREN'T YA!"

"I can remedy that." England interrupted, pulling me towards him and withdrawing a sword from his belt to point at Kira.

Kira just stood still, eyes wide. I chanced a look at his cousin for her reaction, and that was enough.

"Dude, Captain, England, Arthur...whatever! You should probably let me g-EEP!" A wandering hand moved from my shoulder to my chest, England's grin turned into a perverted leer. "Are you that sensitive, lass? Oh, what fun we are gonna have~..."

"Says the guy that broke down and let France fuck him so hard he had a couple kids." Kira spoke up, hands in her pocket and a smirk on her face. h god, I swear she's related to Spain with how that shadow is crossing over her eyes. England's eyes narrowed and looked over at the bluenette.

"What did you say, wench?" He demanded through gritted teeth.

"I mean, seriously. Even SPAIN could tell what was going on between you two was sexual tension, then you became a mummy to Alfred and Matthew. It's hilarious! Big, bad, give-me-your-vital-regions Arthur got HIS vital regions invaded by the horniest country in the world!" A cutlass was imbedded in the wall next to her head as she grinned at the furious look on his face. God I wish I had a camera with me sometimes...

"You, lad, need to learn when to keep your mouth shut. I have a moral code to uphold, but I can make an exception!" He undug his cutlass and made to swing at her, but was interrupted with the sound of a gun cocking. He looked over his shoulder to see me (slightly, you bastard!) terrified, legs apart and revolver cocked.

"Sorry, dude, you can't kill her just yet. She's the breadwinner here."

A loud pounding on the door distracted the brawl. Kira slipped out from the pirate's grasp and ran to open the door.

"OI! ANDY!" Kira called out. I backed away quickly to the doorway and turned to see the same guy that was at the door this morning. Wow, was it really only this morning?

"Hey, I came to pick up that unit from this morning. There was a mixup in the shipping." Delivery man stated, looking down at his clipboard.

Both me and Kira were silent for a minute.

"...WHAT THE FUCK, YO!" Kira screeched as I sighed and started looking for the Excedrin. The poor delivery man deserved to get slightly bruised up by a enraged Kira.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Written in my, Andy's, point of view, because it's easier for me. Suck it up.

9/27/11: REWRITTEN, BITCHES.

Chapter 3

"HOW IS THIS ANY BETTER?"

"Ain't it great, luv?"

...

It took Kira, the Delivery guy, and the Delivery guy's friend to first knock out Pirate!England, then repackage him. I kinda feel bad for them if he wakes up during transport. Good news is, we got an entirely new unit in place of the last one.

Though at the moment...I'm not exactly sure if this one is any better.

"Kesesese~ nice ass, wanna see my five meters?"

If you can't guess who that is, then you fail. Like, epically. Forever. What is with these units and molesting me? Next thing you know, they'll send me Russia, who'll want me to become one with him! Fuck, I hope I didn't jinx myself.

"I do!" Kira announced hyperly, immediantly yanking down his pants.

I turned around and went back into the kitchen, trying to scrape the burnt blueberry scones from earlier off the pan. I wanted nothing to do with whatever the hell was going on...

"Mein gott! Save me!" I looked down to see the pantless Prussia trying to hide himself under my apron.

"Prussia~~ Become one with Kira~ kolkolkolkolkol~~."

"She's mad! Was she raised by that bastard Russia or something!"

"Well...she is part Russian..." Andy told him. "Naw, she's naturally like that. Once you get used to it, it doesn't seem as creepy."

"PRUSSIA~~~~~!" Kira wandered into the kitchen, her blue hair flying around with static. If I was animated, there'd be a million sweatdrops on my head.

"Kira, cut it out. You're creeping even me out, and I'm immune to your brain-eating disease."

Kira seemed to go back to normal, at least, her hair stopped flying around and you could actually see her eyes without the creepy shadowy thing. "Aww, Andy! Ruin my fun! Fine, I'll stop fucking with Prussia. BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME STRUDEL!"

I imagined more sweatdrops collecting on my head. "...I was going to anyway. It's sunday, you moron. What am I, your wife?"

"...Yeah, kinda."

Arms encircled my waist from behind me. "You can always be MY wife. You do look good in that little apron. How about you wear JUST the ap-OWW!"

I growled, eyebrow ticking as I put my cutting board back down. "I'm no one's wife! Now go away so I can make dinner!"

Kira pouted and grabbed a case of beer from the fridge. "Come along, Gilbert! We shall get shit-faced while our lovely wife cooks the evening meal!"

"Hear hear!"

"FUCK OFF!" I yelled, hurling a butcher knife at her head. Unfortunately, I missed, and just left a carving in the wall.

Nearly an hour later, we all sat down at the table, enjoying my delicious homecooking of bratwurst and potatoes.

Prussia wasted no time in stuffing his face, both I and Kira going with the sweatdrop image.

"...As long as he stays quiet like this, I'll make German food every night." I sighed, drinking from my milk glass.

"Dude, it's fucking PRUSSIA. Of course he'll eat your food. Because you fucking pwn like that."

I licked my lips. "Remind me to get your laundry out of the dryer. You got work tomorrow." Kira groaned while I smirked.

"Can't I call off...? Please?"

"No. With another mouth to feed, we need the extra funds."

"Fine, but keep my revolver with you at all times, and call me if his royal awesomeness goes over the line."

"I won't give you a chance to do anything."

"You two act like a married couple." Prussia deadpanned.

"Shut up." I grumbled. "Believe or not, we're cousins. We never did introduce ourselves, did we? I'm Andy Nitedream. This is Kira Nitedream."

"Yo!" Kira flashed a V sign. "Ain't it great, luv? We're a family like you always wanted!" Kira teased me.

My eyebrow started tickign again. "I swear to god, Kira...I will fucking MURDER you in your SLEEP..."

"Kesesese~."

Kira flicked her fork at the albino, a muderous look in her eye. "A warning, Gilbert. You are on your BEST BEHAVIOR, or Mama will not hesitate to shoot you in the jewels. Because, unfortunately, he has to take you with him shopping."

"What 's this about!" I shouted, slamming my fist on the table.

"You want people to think we got a fucking Nazi in our house!" Kira demanded. "He can't go out in just his uniform! He can borrow my clothes for tomorrow, but he needs his own."

"Got it Pa! I'll be good for Mom!" Prussia grinned, swallowing another mouthful of food. And apparently missing the entire 'Nazi' comment.

"That's my boy!" Kira gave him a thumbs up. I balked.

"WHAT. THE. FUCK!"

"Dinner was delicious. Thanks, luv!" Kira kissed my forehead out of nowhere and disappeared when she saw me inching for my steak knife.

"...Where's the alka seltzer?" I mumbled, abandoning the table and wandering over to the cabinet above the stove.

The next morning dawned bright and cold. We got Prussia set up in the guest bedroom last night. Yet, somehow, he manage to wander into my room and fall asleep in my bed. In just his underwear.

Kira burst into the room with the gun loaded and ready at my loud scream, to find me NOT clutching my blanket and breathing hard. She DID find Prussia on my floor in his underwear. Poor bastard had it coming. Kira jack-slapped him and threatend to 'blast a cap in his little white-boy ass' if he didn't move it upstairs 'ASA fucking P'.

Coffee is the drink of the gods.

"Did you have to hit that hard, Pa? Jeez, I told you I don't remember how I got there." Prussia was still whining, dressed in a blue button-down shirt and worn-out jeans. Kira was wearing her 'paper-pusher's uniform' except wore BLACK slacks, just to piss off her boss who demanded KHAKI.

"Which tie are you wearing today?" I asked when I set down a stack of flapjacks in front of the two 'men'.

"FUCK YEAH! YOU'RE AWESOME MA!" Prussia shouted, immediantly drowning them in syrup.

"Thinking Death Note. To match my pants. But I'm pissing off bossman enough today, so I'll just wear that blue one your mom gave me for Christmas. This fucking sucks, man."

"Get over it. Another forty years, then you can retire and we can live off your 401k." I sighed, slipping into my seat with a basket of strawberries and a cup of coffee.

We were too tired to act like our normal selves, which is the daily routine for us in the morning.

"Do you want the car or bike today?" Kira asked, standing up to make sure her papers were ready.

"I'll take the car. Too cold for the bike, and Prussia doesn't have any leather." I stood up to take the tie from her and tie it properly.

"Kesesese~! You really do act like a married couple! You're mushier than when Spain started taking care of that little brat!"

Kira grinned and shrugged while I groaned and backed off. "Hey, I am in the market for a wife, but I have to wait until a better job comes along that don't discriminate. Gotta go. See you guys later!"

"Have a good day, Pa!"

I looked at Prussia weirdly. Guy just fitted in too well...he was almost OOC...did he already catch Kira's brain-eating disease?

I grabbed bis manual off the counter and went to refresh my coffee.

"Hey, Ma!"

"I'm not your mom." I deadpanned. He just waved it away like it was nothing.

"What're we doing today?" He asked. I groaned when I remembered.

"We're going shopping, so when you're done, get your shoes on." I told him, not noticing him sliding out of his chair.

"BOO!" He shouted right next to my ear. And no, I did NOT scream, or spill my coffee all over myself.

"WTF, MAN!"

"KESESESESE~~! That was awesome!"

It was almost sundown when I looked over from patting a space empty of snow and freshly turned dirt at the loud roar of Kira's old, restored '92 Honda.

"Honey, I'm home!" Kira called out, swinging her leg over. "...What're you doing?"

"NO ONE, makes me spill hot coffee on myself..." I muttered.

Kira was silent for a moment, then freaked. "OMG, DID YOU KILL PRUSSIA!"

"..."

"Fuck. You're explaining to the company why their test product is 6 feet under."

"Deal."


	4. Chapter 4

Still in first person, because I hate you all.

10/16/11: REWRITE. WHAT NOW, BITCHES!

Chapter 4:

"AWWW~~~!"

"...Okay, I think we can make this work."

"Yeah, you see, there was this accident and he fell into our woodchipper. We tried to get him out in time..."

"Ma'am, I understand. Trust me, you're not the only one to inform us of a Unit's death."

"It's so heartbreaking for us...we did love him as family, and he died the same as my papa did...*sob*"

"Well, then. I think I know a good replacementUnit for you. We'll get it shipped out tonight, expect it between 2-4 days."

"Alright, thank you Ma'am. Have a good day." I sighed as I hung up the phone and looked over at the the bluenette sitting at the table, sending me a level gaze. "Look, I said I'm sorry! But there was no way in hell I was gonna put up with that, that-! I don't even have a proper name for it! Anyway, we're not getting in trouble for murder, and their sending us a new one, miraculously."

"...We have the worst luck with these units." Kira sighed and laid her head down tiredly. The day was not good to her, apparently. "Who're they sending this time?"

I frowned. "...She didn't say. But knowing our track recoed, she said it was a good one to have for our circumstances. You have a point. We went through two units in two days. Maybe I should call her back and cancel the order."

"No." Kira gritted her teeth.

"But Kira..."

"NO."

I sighed wearily. Arguing with her when she was like this would just cause headaches and heartaches. God, I am such a wife. Yes, she finally told me what she was thinking when she ordered that Unit the other night. Being on my own way out where we lived while she was gone most of the time freaked her out, which is why she called me during every break.

Talk about overprotective. You know, she comes off as a hyperactive idiot, but I'd place her more 'Germany' than 'Italy' if you know what I mean.

Maybe she's their love child?

That would explain a lot.

Then we're'd her Russian-ness come from?

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked, fiddling with my apron tie. Kira just reached over and yanked it.

"I'll order Chinese. No work tonight. Sit down and put on something, I'll make some iced tea."

I smirked. Overprotective psuedo-husband. Creepy since we're cousins, yes I KNOW already, god. I'll get into that later! "Okay."

Kira watched me leave the room and grinned to herself. "I really need a wife." She picked up the phone and went rummaging for the old take-out menu we've had for god knows how long.

Loud knocking woke me up in the morning, having had to sleep in the living room last night after being too tired and belly-swollen from the Chinese. I shivered and wrapped the blanket around me before answering the door to see our old friend, the Delivery man.

"Morning, ma'am."

"Just bring it in." I motioned. Delivery man handed over the clipboard as he and his partner got it inside, grabbing the board back on his way out, and left after tipping his cap to me.

It took me a minute of staring at the container before I realized...

"Fuck. Why did I let Kira talk me into another one of these?" I groaned and decided to delay opening it until after I put on clean clothes and threw away last night's dinner.

Now in a clean long-sleeved green shirt and jeans, I went with the old stand-by.

Hello Mister Crowbar.

Prying open the front so there was full access, I was greeted by a pair of large violet eyes staring up at me. It's eyes went wide they saw the crowbar still in my grip, the way it was positioned as if I was ready to use it again. But for a more violent purpose.

"P-privet. W-who are you?" It asked in a childish voice (well, no kididng! It was a freaking KID!) "Are you Mother Russia?"

Fuck. Double fuck.

They sent us fuckin Little!Russia.

"Um...not exactly." I rubbed my neck, uneasy. "But the way things are looking, I guess I'm your mother. I'm Andy Nitedream. It's nice to meet you, Ivan." I smiled and held my hand out for the child, who smiled in return.

"Okay, this could work...a proper family. But please don't blame me if you grow up screwed up in the head, because neither me nor your papa have had normal childhoods either..."

"I have a nana?"

"Uh...what? Oh! Oh! yeah, Her name is Kira. Oh thank god for the Russian language, giving a name like that for dads!"

Russia just cocked his head cutely, then smiled. "Do not worry! When I grow up, I'll be big enough to protect mama!" He rushed forward and hugged my knees.

Oh, with that, I was so glad Kira talked me into another one.

Okay, that kinda made it sound like she got me pregnant.

Fuck.

"Are you hungry, little duckling?" I asked when his stomach gave a rumble.

GODDAMN MATERNAL INSTINCTS. DIE DAMN YOU.

Russia nodded shyly.

"Come along. Let's get something to fill that tummy." I took his ahnd and led him into the kitchen, lifting him into a chair and turning for my trusty apron. "Well, I don't know much in the way of russian, but I can cook up a mean Borscht! How about that for dinner?"

"DA!"

"But for now...hmmm...I'm not entirely sure. I can't just serve you ramen like I do myself. Young'uns need their veggies...how about eggs? Omelets?"

"What is an omelet?" Russia asked, confused.

"Well...it's a wide egg that is usually filled with meats, veggies, and cheeses, then folded over. Would you like to watch?"

"Da! I would like to watch mama make the morning meal!" Russia jumped down from his chair and pushed it to the counter, getting up on it and looking at me expectantly.

"...Holy hell." I murmured, perpelexed and went on, peeking at Russia every now and again as he watched with child-like wonder. It took a minute, but I finally had them slid onto a plate and set at the table. A delicious bacon, cheese and onion for little Russia, and sausage and mushroom for me. He scarfed it down in a minute. I stared at him for a minute.

"Holy hell...did you even taste it?" Russia nodded just as the phone rang. I got up to answer it, forgetting to look at the caller ID.

Shit.

"Nitedream residence."

"Andrew~! I got news! Your grandmother's lawyer called, but it seems SOMEONE neglected to give him your number!"

"Forgive me, Mother. I've been busy."

Russia was looking at me curiously. I put a finger to my lips to remind him to keep quiet. God forbid my Mother finds out I have a kid...she'll automatically assume me and Kira are never leaving Hell. Even though the kid looked nothing like us.

"-last of your inheritance was going to be deposited, but the name was changed on your account! When I called the bank to confirm-"

"Why? Mother, I'm sure it is none of your business what Grandmother left me and Kira-" She cut me off, the bitch.

"DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME. Explain why the name was changed to something so horrendous! I raised you to be a proper Catholic, and here you are galivanting about-"

A beep started sounding in my ear, letting me know I had another call coming in. I didn't even bother telling her goodbye. I just hung up and peeped at the caller ID. Oh, thank god.

Wait...did I just thank god the nutcase was calling me, most likely in the middle of class if the clock was any indication?

"Kira, aren't you supposed to be teaching?"

"Is that nana!" Russia asked excitedly at the name.

"...ANDY~? What was that voice~?" She asked suspiciously. I could picture her creepy Russia grin and the scared faces of her students.

"Um...our new unit came in this morning...we have a son?"

"...He said nana. Why did he say nana? The only foreign 'nana' I know is 'Grandma' in Italian and Dad in...DID THEY SEND US RUSSIA! ARE YOU OKAY? HE DIDN'T HURT YOU, DID HE?"

"Kira, chill out you psycho! I'm fine. They sent the little one. We just got done eating breakfast when..." Kira caught the uneasiness in my tone.

"Hold on a sec, luv." Kira brought the phone away from her mouth.

"Oi! I'm taking this outside! Keep your heads in your books and your mouths shut! Sam, you're in charge!"

"My name is 'Samantha'!"

"Like I care!" The animated sweatdrops were back. What sane person gave KIRA a job in the development of young minds? And why hasn't she been fired yet? Oh yeah, because she can actually do her JOB. A door snapping closed got me from my musing. "Okay, I'm sitting down in my office. What happened, babe?"

"...My mother called."

"Fucking shit monkeys."

A tugging on my apron caught my attention. "Mama? May I talk to Nana?" I nodded.

"Your son wants to talk to you." I handed the phone to him and sunk into my chair, mentally exhausted.

"Privyet, nana! 101CH:0 made mama cry. May I kill her?"

Okay...I'm not fluent in Russian, but that did NOT sound good. And knowing Kira, who DOES know Russian...I snatched the phone back.

"Kira, we DO NOT kill family members, no matter how much of a horrid, demonic bitch they are!"

"Aw~~! But she made you cry, luv! What the hell did she say?"

"...the last of abuela's money came through, but they were wondering why the name was changed on the account, so they called to make sure it was still ours. Unfortunately, they called MY old number, equalling they called my MOTHER..."

"Shit. Shit shit shit shit! This isn't good! But why should she care, they disowned you! She left you to me on purpose, the horrid bitch! GODDAMMIT!"

**Andy's note: Okay, to clarify. Yes, the routine me and Kira have makes it seem like we are husband and wife, even though we're cousins. Most of this plot for our background in this story is FICTIONAL, because believe it or not, we DID agree on having a Russia unit as our crack-y love child. I'm just getting the background of the way, so we can have more fun with the units later. Because we're not ending this with Little!Russia.

"Kira, chill out before you cause another fire. It's fine, I hung up on her and getting ready to call the lawyer's office and the bank. I need to chew them out. Haven't they ever heard of confidentiality agreements!"

"Well, I'd come home early, but Sanchez is out today, and I need to cover his last class. Do I need to bring dinner home?"

I chuckled. Kira is such a husband. Why the hell hasn't she found a wife yet? Oh yeah...she's part insane. And she has me. Opps.

"Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you when you get home."

Over the next month it became a basic routine. I'd wake up Ivan and Kira, make sure they get dressed and fed, help Kira with her tie and hold Ivan up so Kira could flubber his cheeks in farewell. Then I'd set Ivan up in the living room with Sesame Street and a juice box, then get on my laptop in the kitchen to do a little work of my own until lunchtime. Every other day we went to the store, where I had Ivan help me shop using math lessons (since we couldn't put him in school, lacking the necessary paperwork. Kira, being a teacher, was able to formally homeschool him on Saturdays.) The days other than that, we were in the kitchen, using common kitchen ingrediants in place of chemicals for 'science' lessons combined with culinary. (Kira often complained I was turning him into a girl, so remedied that by taking him to the batting cages on Sundays) It was no real use, it was discovered early on that Ivan will always be a mama's boy.

A solid month we messed up mine and Kira's simple routine by adding a child. Well, a child unit. So you can imagine my shock when I was making breakfast after Kira left when a pair of arms grabbed me in a tight hug.

"Has mama always been so small?"

NO! I DID NOT shriek like a girl! Okay, maybe I did. A little bit. But I WAS NOT expecting a full size Russia in place of my little Ivan.

Why does life like fucking with me?


	5. Chapter 5

Holy hell. five chapters in a week? It's record for this little corner of the internet known as 'KirakiraUchiha'. I should probably change that...

Kira's still laid up, completely woozy from the pain meds. She whines more than a baby.

Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter 5:

"Fuck, botany."

"...Now what?"

"KIRA, OUR SON IS A FUCKING GIANT!"

"_Luv, I got this on speakerphone...my whole class just heard you. I'm in the middle of my lesson, can this wait_?"

"NO IT CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!"

Kira sighed over the connection and I could hear the door snapping closed. Sounds like she retreated into her office. "_Okay, now what happened?_"

"Ivan turned into fucking RUSSIA, that's what! He was just a child last night, now he's full-grown and inherited your brain-eating disease!"

"_...I fail to see how it's a bad thing._"

"I WANT MY BABY BACK!"

"_And I want you back on your medication, but that's not happening, is it?_" Kira retorted, obviously on the short stick of her temper at the moment. "_I have to go. Boss is on my case and if she has to get on me one more time, She's sending me packing. And we need this job, Andy._"

I sighed, seeing her point. "Fine. Talk to you when you get home." I hung up and rested my cell down on my desk, dropping my head into my hands. Currently I was downstairs, not wanting Iv-RUSSIA to hear the conversation.

Fuck my life. I was so gonna tear that blue-haired freak a new one when she got home. Get back on my medication, FUCK THAT.

I stood up wearily and went upstairs to see Russia sititng at the table forlornly.

"What's wrong, Ivan?" I asked him on reflex.

"...Is 00 mad that I'm big? Except now, I'm big enough to protect 00! I thought it would make 00 happy, but you just seem afraid and angry."

Oh god. Fucking hell, he may be an adult now but he still thinks like a child!

"It's not your fault, Ivan. I just didn't expect you to grow up so fast. I was hoping you'd grow like a human, instead of like a nation. But who am I kidding? You're Russia. It couldn't be helped."

"What did Nana say when you told him?"

I shook my head. "I thinks he wants to talk with you when she gets home." I stood up and went to get my coffee brewing, but when I walked by him, Russia grabbed my waist and pulled me to him, rubbing his head against my belly like he did just last night.

"I still love 00. I would kill anyone, even Nana, to keep 00 safe."

Oh shit. Kira, you are gonna be in trouble if you make one wrong move around Russia...

"Theres no need for that, Ivan." I hugged his head briefly and left his grip to get my coffee.

Wait, am I really that fucked up, if I don't want him around just because he's not little anymore?

The answer, if you think logically?

Yes. At least it was me that raised him instead of General Winter, because somehow, this Russia is WAY tamer than the one in Hetalia. Still creepy and violent, though.

I fully blame Kira for that.

I was on eggshells throughout the day, though kept it from Russia. It was if nothign had changed, though he insisted on getting the firewood by himself. Just last week, he struggled to carry a single split log on his own when he went out with me...He came in carrying enough to fill the woodbox and then some. In one trip.

"Holy hell, you ARE Kira's son." I murmured, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Is that good thing?" Ivan asked, cocking his head with childish...confusion, I guess? He still had that smile on his face.

"Er...I guess, if you're looking for a wife. Women like men who can handle the rough stuff, but still be a gentleman when it counts."

"Can 00 be my wife?"

I was stoking the fire inside the wood stove we used for a furnace and got my finger on a big ass splinter at his question.

"Ouch! Sonnuvabitch!" I immediantly grabbed the wood out of my finger and went to get a band-aid, looking for a way to answer Russia's question. "No, Ivan. 00 can't be Ivan's wife, because 00 is already Nana's wife. Do you understand?"

Russia nodded. "Da, so if Nana wasn't here anymore, than 00 can be my wife? I really want 00 to be one with Russia."

I slammed my head on the cabinet. On purpose, of course.

Okay, quick poll, how many mothers out there have been asked by their 25 -mentally 7? 8?- year old son if they'd be his wife?

"Ivan, what did I teach you? We do not kill family members. And Nana is a BIG family member. And unfortunately, it is not allowed for 00's to be their sons' wives. Now drop the subject and get the living roon cleared up, okay?"

"Da!" Russia smiled and strided into the other room.

"Andy? Ivan? I'm home!"

"Nana!" Ivan called out excitedly, seeing the familiar bluenette in the doorway. "00 and I are watching Jeopardy, but we can't answer the questions!"

I chuckled as Kira plopped down on the couch and leaned forward, eyes wide and sparkly.

_"The national flower of both Austria and Switzerland."_

"Fuck, botany. Marluxia's a fuckin rapist." Kira groaned and stood back up. "Edel, something or other. Anymore Mello Yello?"

"Nope, but there's Pepsi."

"Nana, you're not as surprised as 00 was?" Ivan asked curiously.

"About what?" Kira asked curiously.

I pushed Russia on the shoulder a bit. "Stand up, Ivan." He did, though Kira had no reaction for nearly 5 seconds. And when he did, it was practically nonexistant. Though, she did puff her chest in pride, nearly popping the bindings she wore to give the illusion of no breasts.

"Hoshit. Fuck yeah, our son is taking after MY side of the family."

"That's a given, since you get your Russian from your mom." I quipped, standing up and going into the kitchen, swaying slightly from a sudden blood rush.

"You okay, Andy?"

"00 doesn't feel good! He's been wobbly all day!"

"Fuck." Kira followed me and pushed me down onto my kitchen chair. "How long since you tested yourself?"

"..." I couldn't answer. Honestly, I forgot.

Unfortunately, my first two months of life was in a diabetic coma. When I finally woke up, I was diagnosed with diabetes and a heart murmur. The murmur was taken care of when I was two, but there were...complications. That's all I'm getting into. Anyway, it screwed up my body enough to stunt my growth and not allow me to fully finish puberty, resulting in looking like a flat-chested, 5' 2", sixteen-year-old girl, at the age of twenty-four. My voice still squeaks into the higher-pitches sometimes, which is how I can pull off being 'Mrs. Nitedream' so fucking well.

Kira seemed to enjoy in sucking the excess failed puberty from me. She was born a handsome girl, grew up into a butch-handsome woman. If it wasn't for the breasts, all the girls would fall for her looks. So she dropped out of high school, cut her hair and developed this boob-binding thing that when she wore it under her shirt, she really did look like a man. She finally stopped growing at fucking 5' 10" and had a smooth enough voice to pass for a man. So there's why she is refered to as 'Mr. Nitedream'.

Anyway, after everything that happened with Pirate!England, then Prussia, and now Russia, it was wiped clean from my memory.

"Shit." Kira tore into the medication cabinet and grabbed the black case, unzipping it and feeding a needle and test strip with the machine. "Give me your finger." I did so without question, Russia just watching us silently, eyes wide as he watched Kira prick my finger, then give it to a little blue thing in her hand.

"What is Nana doing with 00's blood?" Russia asked, though he had some danger in his tone.

"Don't worry, Ivan. 00's a little sick, and Nana is fixing me."

Russia nodded slowly, but still came closer, holding his faucet pipe. I had to gently remove it from his grip, just in case. A brain dead Kira was NOT a good thing. She already had that brain-EATING disease.

Kira hissed and shoved it in my face. "Tell me this damn thing is broken."

I gulped and stood up. "It's broken?"

Kira grinned brightly. "So just need some cookies, and you'll be good as new! You're probable just tired, so I'll order in, and you just go to bed early tonight!"

I just laughed nervously. My god, Kira is gullible. She walked off whistling, probable heading to her room to change out of her work clothes.

"Nana sure is an idiot, isn't she?" Ivan commented, smiling. I facepalmed.

Kira made sure I ate enough for three people, then tested me again with the back-up. The reading was enough to satisfy her, then sent me off to bed as if I was a child. Though, looking between her smiling face to Rusisa's...

"Goddammit, you two are too alike for my comfort." I groaned.

A pressure on my bed woke me up. Trying to see through blearily through sans glasses eyes revealed it to be 3:34 am.

"WTF? Who's there?"

"It's Russia, 00. I wanted to sleep with you."

What. The. Fuck.

"Huh?" Was my brilliant retort. "Ivan, you're too old to be sleeping with me. Go back to b-EEP?" I don't think he was even listening, because suddenly, their was this immense weight on top of me. "00, please become one with Russia~."

"...Ivan, go to your room. Right now." Large hands grabbed my shoulders, and I could see bright violet through the darkness.

"Or what, 00? You are so small, what can you threaten me with?"

... ... ...FUCK! Got a point there...shit.

"Ivan, I'm serious." I tried to keep my voice from shaking. "I will call your Nana in here, and she will employ some old-fashioned discipline on your impudent ass. Stuff that is actually ILLEGAL in today's American childcare system."

"Da, true. But I am not a child anymore, am I? Become one with Russia, 00." His hands went from ym shoulders to my face, carressing. My ears were burning. Not good. He was practically my SON!

"KIRA!" My voice vibrated through the open door. "KIRA!"

"Why are you screaming for Nana, 00? Don't you love me?" Russia sounded as if he was on the verge of tears.

"Get off, Ivan! KIRA, HELP!"

A thump sounded from upstairs. Both of us froze and waited with bated breath as another thump sounded.

"Mm? Your voice woke Nana up!" Ivan seemed surprised. To tell ya the truth, so was I. Kira is a sleepy drunk...she's out like a light when she drinks too much liquor.

"KIRA!"

"Andy?" A slurred voice came floating down the stairs. "Wazzgoinon?"

"Kira, it's Ivan!"

They were slow but steady, Kira wobbling downstairs and flicking on the light. "...Ivan, get off your mother now."

"I don't wanna!" Russia retorted, whining.

"I'm fucking tired and I got work tomorrow. I don't wanna be dealing with this shit. Get your ass upstairs. Tomorrow, I'll order fucking China for you or something to play with. Until then, move it."

"Da! Thank you, Nana!" Ivan got up happily and went upstairs.

It was silent for a few moments.

"...Now what?" I asked. Kira shrugged and yawned.

"Unless you want a repeat performance, order fucking China or something. I'm not doing this anymore." Kira went back upstairs. I just sat their in slight shock.

...She wasn't going to come anymore? But what if...fuck. Did it being from just us, to an actual family break what we had?

Tomorrow, I awoke to Kira already gone for work and Ivan on the couch watching our Soul Eater DVDs. Kira had a think for Tsubasa, god knows why. Ivan just likes the fact that in the first 5 minutes of the first episode, a woman was split in half with blood splattered everywhere.

"Good morning, 00!" Rusisa greeted. I just nodded and went to start the coffee and boot up my laptop.

"00 works hard, da? I shall make the coffee!" Russia appeared out of nowhere and picked me up easily, settling me at the table.

What the...

"Ivan, what are you doing?" I asked, seeign him withdraw eggs from the fridge.

"I am going to make 00 a omelet!"

...

...

...

I haven't made that since his first day as a Nitedream. He still remembers? Alright, now I feel kinda bad. And a little freaked.

"I'm getting you a China unit for a companion." I told him tonelessly. "i don't want your Nana made at me anymore."

"Yay~! Me and China will be good friends! Will China become one with Russia?"

"Err...no. But he might end up your wife. Just be nice and be a gentleman. I told you what women like, didn't I?"

"Da! Do not worry, 00! I will be a wonderful husband to China! If I am a good enough husband, will I become a Nana? That was how I came here, da?"

"Will...yes, kind of. I and your Nana have been living together for over seven years before your Nana decided it was time we had someone to take care of. And that's when you came. Just a little boy in a ushanka. I still have it here somewhere..." Retelling him the story kinda made my chest warm and blocked out the uneasiness from last night.

"I like that story, 00. So Nana cares for you as much as I do."

"Nana took care fo me for a long time before we lived together. Since we were babies, Nana took care of me. Almost twenty five years, now."

"Ah~ 00 is so young~!"

I laughed, clicking onto the site that was on the invoices from the last three units. I went on after Russia was delivered and canceled the rest of the units. So now I have to actually PAY for the China figure.

Holy...wow, a little steep but I expected the price to be WAY worse. I smiled as Ivan brought over my mug and looked over ym shoulder.

"Yao-Yao is on 00's computer!"

"Think I should get him some clothes while I'm at it?"

"Do not forget the dress!" I froze for a second, confused.

"What dress?" I turned, giivng him a strange look. Russia's smile stayed where it was.

"00 has a really poofy dress that Nana gave him, I want Yao-Yao to have the same dress!"

My head slammed on the keyboard. What the fuck Kira...why did you show Russia THAT?

The dress: A kind of gothic lolita number that Kira got me as a gag birthday gift, after we started our whole, 'fuck the fact we're cousins, let's act like husband and wife to get ahead in life and please society'. I did wear it once though, when the PTO had a fancy fundraiser.

I chuckled nervously, but accessed the site anyway. "Might as well...after all 00 has one, da?"

Shit, that just slipped out. It made Russia happy, apparently, since he suddenly threw his arms around my shoulders happily. We actually had fun picking out clothes for the China unit soon gracing our family. I just hope he directs his anger and embarrassment at Russia. I don't feel like getting a foot planted in my face anytime soon.

"Ah! 00, what about that one?" Russia pointed. I looked at it for a second then clicked the link, showing qipao's in various colors and sleeve styles. The one Russia was pointing at was a golden one with bell sleeves, dragons embroidered on the back with black and red thread. I whistled. Wow, my son must've inherited the fashion taste from me!

Shut up, I know I sounded like a girl. I'm a natural born uke, what do you expect?

"Okay. But I like this one." I enlarged a photo of a royal blue with slightly narrower sleeves, a border of indigo around the openings.

Shit, Kira doesn't look happy. Though, lately...she hasn't looked very happy at all. Why so serious?

Dark Knight fucking ROCKED.

Fuck you.

"OMG..."

"Kira, it's not that bad! Don't forget, this is all coming from abuela, not you!"

"...OH YEAH! It's all good then!" Kira grinned. "...Wait, wasn't there something else?"

I blinked. Huh?

"What're you talking about?"

"Abuela left us somethign other than the house and the money...something from Abuelo. What the hell was it...?"

I shrugged. "I'll go dreg up the letters later. I still need to go over this month's bank statements."

"Nana! 00 says if I make Yao-Yao happy, I can be a Nana too!" Russia told her happily. Kira chocked on her Pepsi.

"WTF? I didn't know you guys can have kids! Though, that WOULD explain Siberia..." I smacked Kira in the head with my ladle of doom.

"I mean, it all depends on HOW happy you make Yao! Remeber, it takes time, so don't expect him to warm up to you right away! It took me fifteen years to get your Mama to like me! And DAMN was he-"

I glared at her. She finished hastily: "-Was he the best thing to ever happen to me! You're awesome, luv!"

"Anyway, it'll be Christmas soon." Kira changed the subject. "How are we celebrating this year?"

Russia cocked his head. "You celebrate it differently every year?"

I chuckled, seeting the bowls of borsht in front of the two. "More like a game of hide-and-seek, Ivan. We want nothing to do with our families anymore, and even though they SAY they want nothign to do with us, they still try to crowd themselves in here every year. Lots of fighting, crying, and murderous intent leaking from Kira every second of the day. Me and Kira just go about it by ourselves, sometimes bothering with a tree, sometimes we just throw our presents to each other across the breakafast table."

Kira laughed. "Like last year, it was already New Year's before we realized 'Hoshit, we forgot about Xmas!' then we shrugged and went on with our lives. The year before that, I took Andy to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and we stayed in New York for the week. You remember your little boyfriend, one of the extras from the Lion King play?" She asked me. I blushed and ignored her.

"He straight up thought Andy was a girl!" Kira went on telling Russia about our adventure, to apparently my 'decieving' the guy, to Kira getting into several barfights, then our Christmas Eve, where we went, and failed at, ice skating. Russia and Kira kept bursting into laughter. It was a nice evening, a night of uninterrupted sleep as apparently Russia was too focused on getting his 'Yao-Yao'.

The next day was busy, Kira had taken Ivan out to god knows where, which worried me a bit, but at least the house was empty so I could clean out a room for the China unit, and hang up the clothes that were delivered this morning by 1-Day express (God bless FedEx)

...China was gonna be so pissed at the clothing choices, as Ivan insisted on gettign him women's underwear. I blushed when he had me go onto the Victoria's Secret website. My face refused to cool down for hours.

Thank god I passed for a woman, as the delivery guy looked sure a middle-aged man was going to open the door, but seemed mildly surprised to see a 'woman' answer instead.

Goddammit. I'm a GUY.

I'll just say I thought they were gonna send the Female!China, and that it was all Russia's idea, which it actually was. So it's not like I'm selling out my own son!

The weekend passed uneventfully, Russia waiting on nails for his mail order bride, as Kira kept joking about China.

China was gonna be SO FUCKING PISSED.

I hope he kicks in Kira's face =D


	6. Chapter 6

Hoshit, it's chapter 6. In your face, bitches.

Chapter 6:

"Oh, my fucking head...!"

"Goddammit, our son is getting more action than we are."

HOLY SHIT HE REALLY DID KICK KIRA IN THE FACE! =D Yay~

well, not really. But Kira WAS on the recieving end of a huge ass wok bashing her in the head. Let me recap:

On Monday, the winter break for Kira's school kicked in, and she was home for the next week. So, what happened was that when the delivery guy came, and left behind a long crate that could only contain a cetain unit. Ivan ahd yet to wake up, so it was perfect. I had already went on and read the manual, not wanting any surprises.

Seeign the first option, a wicked grin split my face.

"Oh, Kira~! Time to wake up! Ivan's mail order bride is here! I can't open it."

"Mrrph..." Kira looked up blearily before reaching over and grabibng for her glasses, as since she wasn't working, didn't need her contacts. "Why can' ya?" She groaned, looking at the bedside clock. "Iz fuckin 9 am, luv..."

"I want to get China ready before Ivan wakes up. C'mon Kira~!"

"Fin' Fin'..."

"You sound like Sweden." I commented and dragged her out of her hermit cave of a bedroom, which used to be a storeroom located under the stairs leading upstairs to the second floor.

I grabbed the printout sheet of the song and handed it over to her. "You gotta sing the Chinese anthem."

"Err...wow, what a way to be patriotic. I gotta give props to that. Okay, _San min chu yi, wu tang so tsung; yi chen min kuo, yi chin ta t'ung~_"

My eyebrow twitched. Goddamn her and her talent for accents! It sounded so freaking perfect!

"Keep going!" I encouraged, fooling her with my happy smile.

Kira twitched. "No way in hell man. Let me see that manual, there has to be more than one way to wake him up!"

"CB! You are up early, 00!" I heard a faint cracking sound.

"DUCK, IVAN!"

A blur of red and black burst from the top of the crate and ninja-jumped Kira, smacking her full in the face with a large, metal wok.

Good night, Kira.

China blinked down at her victim. "You're not Russia-aru..."

"Yao-Yao~!" Russia greeted, coming up behind him out of nowhere. "It is good to see you, da~?"

"Ivan, get your Nana onto the couch." I told him, stepping around the unconsious blue-haired patriarch.

"Hello, Yao. I'm Andy Nitedream. If you have any questions, just ask." I smiled, holding my hand out politely.

What? He was sane, I'm allowed to be polite to the sane people!

"Andy-aru? Then who is he?" China asked, looking over at Kira. I chuckled.

"If you feel bad for hitting her, don't. She needs a good hit to the head every now and again. That's Kira Nitedream, head of the household."

China's eyes went wide. "Aiyaaa~~!"

"Yao-Yao~! They are my 00 and Nana! You will get along great with my 00~!" Ivan hugged me for emphasis.

I chuckled nervously and started towards the kitchen, Yao never havign a chance as soon as Ivan started driivng him towards the kitchen and pushing him into one of the kitchen chairs.

"You will like it here, Yao-Yao!"

"Quit calling me Yao-Yao, aru!"

"Ah~but it fits you so well, da? 00~!"

"Ivan, what did I tell you?" I growled back, cowing him into dropping the smug smile into a normal one.

"To be a gentleman~! And a gentleman is polite and accomadating to the lady~."

I patted his head. "Attaboy. Are you hungry, Yao? I was getting ready to make breakfast." China jumped up.

"I'll make it, aru!"

Ivan frowned. "00, don't you like to cook?"

I shrugged. "A break from making breakfast won't kill me, Ivan. Besides, me and you are going out to get Christmas presents, while Kira and Yao get aquainted."

Ivan pouted. "00, Yao-Yao just got here~I wanna spend time with him~!"

China looked at me desperately. Trouble is, why?

"Err...Ivan! He will be with us for a very long time, and we want his first Christmas with us to be very special! Now listen to your 00!"

"Da~ but Yao-Yao sleeps in my room tonight!"

A loud clang sounded, and the shattering of glass.

"NO WAY, ARU!"

"Why not, Yao-Yao~?" I sighed and left them to argue, just in time to see Kira frownign at her busted glasses.

"Not cool, yo. Not cool."

"Hey." Kira looked up at me.

"Did you get the number of the truck that hit me? Ow, my fucking head..."

"I have various one-liners for that, but I'll wait til the headache goes away." I sat down on the couch next to her and sighed, closing my eyes. "Let's hope those two banging each other by this weekend, because we got that fundraiser of yours to go to."

"IVAN, ARU!"

Kira jumped up and ran into the kitchen. Depite the fact she can't see for shit. I followed close behind, grabbing ehr spares off the microwave and shoving them on her face.

Upon the sight in the kitchen, I turned around and slammed my head against the wall.

"Oh, come on you guys! Andy cooks there!" Kira groaned.

There was my precious little boy, caught with his hand down another boy's pants.

Weirdly enough, that's how MY mom found out I was gay...shit, Ivan IS our son...

Ivan withdrew his hand from Yao's pants, leaving the Chinese flushed and panting. "Come on Yao-Yao~! Let's go play~!"

"Br-breakfast, aru!" China reminded him, trying to calm himself down. I just took the ladle from him.

"I'll finish it." I sighed. "Believe it or not, I HAVE made rice porridge before." Ivan didn't hesitate and pickign up a protesting China and disappeared with him upstairs.

"SHOWER BEFORE YOU COME BACK DOWN!" Kira shouted after them. Then something dawned on her. "Shit, I forgot about condoms."

Yao was gonna be SO FUCKING PISSED. (Again) He still had women's clothing to look forward to when they were cleaned.

"Goddammit, our son is getting mroe action than we are."

"That's what we had planned, remember? All part of the master plan."

Kira nodded and grinned. "Your mom and my dad were SO pissed~! It was awesome! I finally went one-on-one with my old man! It sucks about your mom though. Just can't stop with the emotional yo-yo. Woman needs medication. Or a straightjacket."

"No kidding." I brought our breakfast to the table, turning on the radio as I went so we could drown out China's voice.

"Think we should soundproof their room?" Kira asked. I shrugged.

"Naw, I don't mind so much. Besides, eventually we'll have to intervene if Ivan gets overenthusiastic and hurts Yao too badly. He's full-grown now, we could end up triggering something bad."

"Naw, I read the manual. The worst he'll do is run off looking for Lithunaia to torment. Besides, we raised him, I think he's more or less...normal. Well, normal for us."

"WHAT THE HELL, ARU?"

"Doesn't Yao-Yao like his clothes? Me and 00 worked so hard to pick them out~!" Me and Kira looked up to see China dressed in one of the qipao's and long white skirt.

"I look like Mei, aru!"

"Yao-Yao looks so pretty~!"

Kira just blinked. "...Andy..."

"Don't say it." I groaned.

"But..."

"Trust me, it ain't worth it, Kira!"

"How come you don't look that pretty when you cross-dress?"

I slammed my bowl down on Kira's head, ticked. It wasn't what I was expecting, but GODDAMMIT...

"Uh oh, 00's angry~. At least no blood's been shed yet~!"

"Aiya~! It's fine, it's not so bad, aru!" Aw, Yao was trying to spare Kira's life. "If I wasn't told, I would've thought you WERE a woman, aru! You're very pretty!"

Okay, I'm calm.

"Did you look through all your clothes? We got something special for you to wear to this party we're going to on Christmas Eve. The PTO at Kira's school is doing some fundrasier-charity-thing."

"Yao-yao and 00 will be like twins~!"

"Oh, you're wearing your lolita dress again?" Kira asked, cleaning her glasses. "I was actually gonna get you something new. I found this site that has the kimono from Hell Girl."

I turned, wide-eyed.

"You are getting me that kimono!" I told her. "I will, once again, look awesomer than that Mrs. Hawk-nose-stuckup-bitch."

"...Are you talking about Mrs. Schmidt? Please don't get into a fight, I'm gonna need you to keep me from punching out that husband of hers. He seems to forget the class I teach is WORLD history, so therefore there WILL be the goddamn French Revolution. Retarded sonnuvabitch." Creepy waves started floating off Kira, freaking out Yao.

I sighed. "Yeah. That's Kira. You won't have to deal with her often, so when you don't know what to do...just give her a Pepsi and a KitKat. Or smack her with your wok."

"R-right, aru..."

"Kira, are you getting a tree this year?"

The waves were sucked back into the bluenette, and she grinned. "Yup! I'm taking Ivan with me to help pick one out, you and Yao get the decorations from the attic!"

"...We burned them three years ago." I deadpanned. Kira balked.

"WHAT THE FUCK? What the hell were we on?"

"...My mother came over and started bitching at me. You were smashed on Jack."

"Oh yeah...so what do you guys want for Christmas?" Kira asked, leaning back in her chair with her eyes closed.

"..." Nobody had an answer. Kira just grinned.

"Say something or I'm getting all of you condoms." My head met the table.

"Say goodbye, as we dance with the devil tonight~don't you dare look at him in the eye~ That's it, now step back, to the side. As we dance with the devil tonight~"

I watched as Kira tried to teach China to waltz, and was actually getting somewhere. Granted, she was trying to teach him by singing along to Breaking Benjamin, but still. It's the thought that counts. Countdown to the fundraiser: 3 Days.

"I'm not sure about this, aru..." China voiced. "Does Russia even know how to dance?"

"Sure does! Andy taught him!" Kira grinned. "And Andy's the best of the best! You're just stuck with me cause I'm taller than him."

"Things are so backward here, aru." China frowned. He squealed when Kira suddenly threw him into a dip.

"Nope, it's just part of the Nitedream household. So welcome, Yao Wang-Nitedream."

"You all are so kind, I wish there was someway to repay you, aru." China stood in front of us, obviously uncomfortable. Kira looked at me expectantly.

I coughed. "Well, um...we asked for you to join our household, so Ivan may have a companion. After all, Kira and I have each other, so we didn't want our son to be on his own. So all we ask, is for you to continue accepting our little Ivan." I told him, stepping closer to Kira, in case China didn't like the idea of constantly hanging out with Russia. They hated each other, didn't they?

"00~! There is someone at the door for you~!" Russia appeared, smiling with creepy waves coming from him.

Kira's face hardened. "Let me go see." She said, skirting around me before I could react. I grabbed her arm when she came by me.

"...What if..."

"Fuck them. You belong to me, precioso tesoro." I flushed at her name for me. She hasn't called me that since she picked me up from the hospital...

Yes, I'm aware we are unnaturally close for cousins. You can fucking lick my balls.

In our defense, we're not cousin-cousins. I'm her mother's second cousin from my father's first marriage, meaning my mother is not my mother, and she is my connection to Kira's family.

Yeah, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

"00, what is going on?" Ivan asked. China came closer to listen, as if I was about to let out a long and complicated flashback type thing.

Well, too fucking bad. Assholes.

"Ivan, go get your pipe. Your father might need it."

"Will I need my wok?"

"It's not war. It will just be for backup, in case we need it." I assured the feminine male. Unfortunately, we were at, we couldn't listen in. I jumped when I felt a loud bang coming from the doorway. Kira must've hit it with her fist, irritation setting in.

"!QUE YA NO TE RECONOCE! LARGARSE!"

Fuck.

"Andy? What is going on?" China asked. I smiled.

"Don't worry about it, Yao. Kira will take care of it."

"00, I will see if Nana needs any help!" Ivan said cheerfully, back with his faucet pipe. I didn't like the sudden silence, and the sucking calm. The steady roar in my ears...

"Kira!" Yao called...was it Yao? The lights went off suddenly. "KIRA!"

I woke up in bed, and the blurry sight of a large Ryuk poster informed me that I was in Kira's room, a steady preassure on my stomach being caused by a blue head. My head was pounding and I feel sick to my stomach.

I lifted a heavy arm and shook the blue head messign with my air intake.

"Kira..." The head shot up.

"Oh, thank god, mi presioso tesoro! You just fainted out of nowhere! Scared the hell out of Ivan, and Yao looked ready to cry!" She wasn't paying attention to her voice again, since her really strange and very foreign accent was slipping through.

"Who was at the door, Kira?" I asked seriously, sitting up.

Kira growled. "Parasito que abusiva."

I groaned. No wonder Kira had muderous intent coming off of her by the truckload.

"I'm making a Doctor's appointment. Just to make sure those tests really WERE negative. You should've been done with these fainting attacks of yours YEARS ago."

"It was just a relapse." I told her, irritated. "He already said it could happen when stressed. I'm going to let Ivan know I'm okay." I left the room before my out of character cousin could tie me down on the bed.

"00~!" A grip around my waist and being lifted in the air was enough to let me know it was my psuedo-son. "Are you all better now? Nana was getting ready to kill that woman outside, then Yao-Yao started yelling! I've never seen Nana like that, it was scary~!"

"I'm fine, Ivan. Let me down."

"Andy, come have some tea, aru." Yao motioned to the table, where he was setting down another cup. "So much coffee is not good when you are ill."

"Ven a la cama cuando haya terminado." Kira appeared in the entryway, staring at me.

"ESTOY BIEN!" I growled at her.

"Not good enough, Andy. So unless you want to go back to the hospital, go to bed early tonight."

"Fuck you."

I don't remember the house being on pins and needles like this before. Why did that horrid bitch have to ruin everything!

I waited until Kira left the room before I grinned. "Yao, want to go to town with me tomorrow? We need to pick up Christmas ornaments while the menfolk go cut down a tree!"

"Andy, this is not right, aru. You are obviously sick..."

"Psh! I'm just fine, Yao. It was just a little fainting spell, it happens."

"00, Nana and Yao-Yao are right." Ivan frowned.

Hoshit. Russia's frowning. Smile, baby! Please?

I stood in front of Kira's door, watching her button up her pajamas. She refused to look at me.

"Just get in." She ordered quielty, not gettign into her bed herself until I was settled. It was actually often we shared ehr bed, but this is the first time we slept back to back. But halfway through the night, I felt the familiar pressure around my waist and smiled, scootching back so my back melded with her front.

This is my Kira. I'm the only one that can have her.

Fuck my life.


	7. Chapter 7

...this is already the same length as Kira's 20 Song Drabble. And I didn't spread it out over a span of months.

I really do have no life.

Fuck.

Don't worry, the good stuff will come soon.

Chapter 7:

"What the fuck...?"

"...I don't get it."

=_='

"Andy, Kira, aru! There is a package here for you!" China called, opening the door. I looked over drowsily.

"From who?" I mumbled, rubbing ym eyes.

"Mpph...too damn earlyyyy~!" Kira whined, curling herself more around me. I sighed and extracted myself from the bluenette. Tossing on my robe I followed China out to the living room where a familiar crate was waiting.

"...I thought I canceled our subscription...who sent it?"

"Delivery man said it was from Oblivion and Discipline Inc. It sounds so wrong, aru! It's not sex toys, is it, aru?"

I balked.

"NO WAY IN HELL!" I screeched, my face completely toasting. "It's...the company that created you and Ivan...so they must've sent us another one." I grabbed the manual from the crate and groaned.

If it was another Pirate!England, I was gonna FRY someone. Or sic Kira on them. Whichever one they deserve more.

"Yao, do you know Amazing Grace?"

"Aru?" I sighed. I hated singing, but we haven't any rum in the house for two weeks now, and I didn't wanna chance any other way.

"Why not just open the crate, aru?" China asked. They set it down very gentle when they brought it, aru." I disappeared and reappeared with a crowbar and a still sleepy Kira. I accidently woke her up when I was retrieving the heavy bit of metal from under my bed. And by accidently, I mean I smacked her in the head with it.

"Manual says Arthur Kirkland. So if it's another pirate one, I'm shooting it dead." I told her. She nodded, taking the crowbar as I got her revolver from the mantle.

"You might wanna stand back, Yao..." Kira warned, before digging the bar in the front of the crate and pulling it.

"00? What's going on?" Ivan asked, coming in from the kitchen.

"Ivan, keep Yao back. I don't want you guys getting hurt if it's who I think it is." I instructed, flipping off the safety.

The top finally flew off and Kira jumped down out of the way. We waited for a split second until a crying came from inside. Kira climbed back on top of it and peered in before reachign down.

"Andy...it's not Pirate!England..." Kira called back, lifting a little bundle out and jumpingdown in front of me, passing over the bundle. It stopped fussing when I pulled back the cloth, which looked like England's military uniform.

"I wanna see, aru!" China caleldout, him and Ivan peering in.

"They sent a Baby!England..." I murmured, looking down at the blonde child with huge eyebrows.

"...Does this mean I have to dye my hair again?" Kira asked. Baby!England reached up, grabbing a piece of blue hair that failed to get pulled back.

Ivan smiled and took the baby from my hold, lifting him up high enough to freak me and Yao out.

"Be gentle, aru!" Yao snatched the child from him and cuddled it.

"You are too precious, aru!"

Kira just stood them dumbstruck. "...I don't get it. We cancelled any others after we got Ivan. Now we have ANOTHER kid?"

"Maybe there was a mixup in delivery?" I shrugged. "I'll call in a few hours. For now..." Kira got my point as she hugged me around my shoulders, watching the three units bond. Then something smacked me upside the head. Not really, as it was just a thought.

"Oh shit...Yao's not gonna give him back." I groaned. "Yao! We need to go into town! We still have to get ornaments, and baby clothes!" Yao rubbed his cheek against Baby!England's face.

"He's so cute, aru! Are we keeping him?"

Kira grinned and gave a dramatic thumbs-up. "HELL YEAH WE'RE KEEPING HIM!"

"Kira!" I admonished. "We can't take care of a baby! What about when he grows up, huh!"

"We just keep him away from the kitchen." Kira answered.

OTZ

"He becomes fucking Pirate!England growing up! And how do you suspect we deal with him then!"

"You killed Prussia, didn't you?"

China and Ivan looked over, curious on Ivan's part, freaked on Yao's.

"Prussia wasn't our son!" I insisted, not looking at the oblivious girl.

"...The fact that we raised Ivan and didn't fuck him up proves we can handle this." Kira told me, walking overto Ivan and grabbing ahold of Baby!England. "You wanna be a Nitedream, Arthur?" The baby unit's answer was to start gumming on a piece of her hair.

She grinned over at me. "It's settled, Mama! We now have an Arthur in the family! Arthur Kirkland-Nitedream!"

I groaned goodnaturedly, but took the baby from her anyway. Not even here for a day and we're all snatching him from each other.

"Well...we DID get Ivan when he was six...it would be nice to have a baby instead."

"Mi presioso tesoro. Mi bebe." Kira gathered us into her arms and hugged tight.

China looked over at Ivan. "You're not jealous, aru?"

Russia shook his head. "I had my turn for 00's love. Besides, I have my Yao-Yao~."

"AW~~! This would look so cute on him!" I said, holding up a little sweater that said 'I know I'm cute. I got it from Mommy'.

"How about this one, aru?" China held up a pair of denim overalls with hello kitty embroidered on the front pocket. I sweatdropped.

"Er...you do know you're in the girl's section, right?"

"I thought it didn't matter, aru. We're both male, after all."

Eh. He had a point. I myself was currently in a beige turtleneck dress. Yao was wearing a black skirt and red qipao with gold trim. England made his pleasure known by grabbing ahold of the overalls and holding it to himself, smiling widely.

"He has spoken!" I cheered, fooling around. China laughed.

"As long as nobody has a France or America, he'll be safe, right, aru?"

I nodded, then smacked myself. "Shit! I completely forgot about that fundraiser this weekend! Need to get Arthur something for that as well..."

"This one, aru!" China held up a beyond ruffly baby blue number with puffed sleeves. The animated sweatdrops were back tenfold.

"Are you trying to turn my son into a baby doll or something?" I asked suspiciously, enjoying the sheepish look from China. I sighed when he started giving me puppy eyes.

"Well, I already have a son...why not a daughter?"

China smiled happily, and ran across the aisle to find a pair of baby Mary Janes. I looked down at Arthur, who was teething on the overalls he still held.

"...what kind of girly nickname can we get from 'Arthur'? I asked him, sighing.

"Graa?"

"Hmmm...I guess Artie could work for now...Iggy could too, but I never got how America got Iggy from Arthur..."

"Perfect, aru!" I eyed the ensemble in China's arm, ranging from the frilly dress, to a pair of soft-soled Mary Janes, white tights and a dark blue rosette headband.

"...Congratulations, Artie. You're a girl."

"Buh?"

I didn't want to know what Kira and Ivan did while we were gone with snow beign all over my kitchen floor, dirt and a bloody machete on the counter.

"What the hell, aru?" China yelled.

"Welcome home,Yao-Yao, 00! We went hunting after bringing in the Christmas tree!" Ivan greeted, reaching up to put a fantastic gold star on the top. Kira came over and hugged me.

"Turns out we didn't burn all of them! We found abuela's stuff in the attic. I went through and already tossed half of the shitty stuff out that has no place in OUR house, but there was a lot of awesome junk in there! And our son is a freaking MANIAC! Wild boar, came out of NOWHERE! One snap, and Ivan gave its head a complete 180! It was awesome!"

"Our SON killed a boar with his bare hands? AND YOU LET HIM?" I yelled, running over to Ivan to make sure he wasn't hurt.

"Andy, relax, he's fine. He's our son after all." Kira soothed, pulling me away from the confused nation. "The animal didn't have a chance! We already chopped it up and ready for cooking. Think you can make that friggen bomb ass stew for dinner tonight?"

I groaned. "Kira, did you at least get your suit to the dry cleaners and get one for Ivan?" I asked.

Kira grinned and gave me her thumbs up. "It's all set, luv! And I already ordered that kimono for you. Did you get something for Yao and Arthur?"

"Yao picked ARTIE out this cutest doll dress." I smiled. Kira facepalmed.

"...I have a daughter?" She groaned. "Goddammit..."

"Hey, look at it this way. Once we get the blue out of your hair, we can pass Artie and Ivan off as our kids for real. You have any idea how fucked up the Schmidts will be?" I cackled, Kira grinning along with it.

"Yeah, I'm getting that done tonight. It's weird. I haven't been a blonde in ten years...goddammit, now I feel old."

"Kira, luv, you ARE old. You're five years older than me." I reminded her, enjoying the sight of her sinking to the ground in mental agony.

"Shut up! I'm only 29 for god's sake!"

"30 in two months." I reminded her. Torturing Kira is fun =D

Countdown to fundraiser: LOL it was last night =D

Nothing happened. Except...we met a new teacher at the lower grades of the Academy Kira teaches at, who got a Little!France unit. And he was automatically infatuated with my little Artie, who was mistaken for a girl the entire night. I think the dress helped...

And no one really recognized Kira without her blue hair. With it washed out, her hair is actually a kind of washed-out shade of blonde that looked perfect to pass Baby!England and Russia off as ours. Not to mention she took off her 'constant-glare' glasses and wore her violet contacts.

Yeah, we were totally a family.

And right now, it's breakfast time. The radio was on a rock station, and I was humming along to 'My Immortal' as I served out oatmeal and bacon.

"An~dy~~!" Kira sing-songed when the next song came on. "You know this song~~!"

I blanched as Kira stood up and wrapped her arms around my waist.

Warning: If you are against incest, do not read the next bit. Even though it is fake-incest. As in, NO romantic coupling between them :(

"_Take a breath, hold it in~Start a fight, you won't win~Had enough? Let's begin. Nevermind, I don't care~All in all, you're no good. You don't cry, like you should~Let it go, if you could~When love dies in the end~So I find what lies beneath~your sick, twisted smile~_"

She spun me around and held me to her chest as she twirled us around the kitchen, to the enjoyment of our family.

"Kira..."

"It's the song we played for our 'wedding', remember?" She murmured. I frowned. I don't like Serious!Kira. Something bad usually follows. Like a premonition of some kind.

"It's weird. W're cousins, but we fit as soulmates...do you remember the story your mama told you when she threw our 'unnatural relationship' at you? Trying to scare you away from me...but face it. Try to run. I'll catch you."

...Shit, something bad IS gonna happen. Is Kira gonna go berserk again? The last time that happened, she burnt down the house I lived in before my parents moved away, abandoning me at the hospital after my 'accident'. That creepy voice that usually stays in her head told me it was so I had no choice but to stay with her...preferably forever and ever.

I loved it. I found my girly-ass dream come true. Just wasn't expecting my female best friend to be my Prince Charming.

I nodded, and dug my face into her shoulder as the song finished. We parted, and she kissed my hand.

"Thank you for the lovely dance, senora."

"De nada, Senor Nitedream." I chuckled and sat at my place to eat my now-cooled oatmeal.

Okay, the mild incest part is over. And just to let ya know, this isn't gonna be a KiraxAndy fic. It's just there for reasons I will not put here. So suck my dick, bitches. There will be no ending to this fic until I'm bored and drop it.

In fact, I'll probable end up turning Kira into a bad guy, then pair me off with another Unit. I'm sure to get some flames from that, especially when revealed who's coming in.

Arte was steadily staring at me from his position in the playpen as I sat on the couch and worked on my laptop.

STAARE~~~~

"Is something the matter, little one?" I asked, placing the laptop aside and picking up the baby England. "Why are you staring at Mama instead of playing, little one?" I bounced him up and down, and groped his little rear for any signs of squishyness that signified the time to give him a clean diaper. Nothing. I felt smiliar groping around my chest by the little hands, and a nuzzling. I craned my head back to see Artie nosing around my shirt like a blind puppy, and the cutest sour look on his face.

"Mum mum mum mum mum mum!" Artie squealed, yanking at my shirt. I flushed.

"Artie, stop that! don't you dare turn into a pervert!" I scolded gently, putting him back into his playpen and turning to go into the kitchen for a bottle.

A piercing screech made me spin on my heel and pick him back up, watching him sob darkly while pawing at my shirt.

"Yao? Yao!"

"What is it, aru?" The Chinese man came into the room from upstairs, his hair still dripping slightly.

"What the hell is he doing? He's never done this before! It's scaring me!" A loud rip sounded from below my neck. I was kind of afraid to look. And said so to China.

"He's a baby, aru. They instinctually want milk from their mother sometime in their life. He sees you as his mother."

"That doesn't explain why I feel a draft around my belly, Yao."

"He ripped your shirt to-"

"AIYAA!" I screeched, feeling little pincers around my nipple, then a vacuum. I blushed and stuttered. "A-arti-eeee! N-no, Ma-ma-ma has no m-miiiilk!" I tried to gently detach him, feeling him latch on tighter. "H-help...!"

"What's going on in here?" A certain someone in all her blonde glory came in, and zeroed in on the action.

She was silent for a moment. "...Andy? Are you breastfeeding Arthur? Can you even PRODUCE milk?"

"K-ki-raaa! H-help me~!" The lone female sighed and strode over, placing a hand against my chest, and the other around Artie's middle, then wrenched us apart. I looke ddown to my tender chest and saw one of Artie's teeth had cut me, and the blonde infant was whimpering loudly in Kira's hold, until she pulled a bottle from her back pocket, shook it, and popped it into his mouth.

"You'll take that and be grateful, child. We'd feed you properly if we could, but we can't, so you'll have to settle with this." Artie seemed to understand that, as he stared up at Kira with solemn eyes until they started drooping closed.

"How did you do that, aru?"

I could feel the animated sweatdrop sliding down my head. "Most likely heard it from her own mother..."


	8. Chapter 8

It's chapter eight, and officially the longest story on this account. And of course, it would be from me, and not the actual owner of this account. Because Kira has a job and shit, and I'm a Homebody that works from his computer and spends Kira's money on gay porn and anime. Or gay anime porn. Junjou Romantica anyone?

Chapter 8:

"...What the fuck?"

"You are mine, luv. So don't get any ideas."

...this is a line...this is a line...this is a line...==_==

A dull thud reached my ears from my open bedroom door.

"IVAN, ARU!" Yao shouted. I stood up and went up the stairs quietly, meeting the eyes of a certain now-blonde butch. Yao was on the floor with Ivan's head in his lap as he tried to stem a flow of blood from his head.

"What the hell?" I yelled, slamming the door open the rest of the way. "KIRA! What the fuck did you DO?" I yelled, trying to get Ivan off the floor with help from Yao. "Are you trying to kill our son?"

"...Yes..." Oh shit. Goosebumps appeared on my arms from the tone of that voice. It was that creepy little devil that lives in Kira's head. "He was trying to take my Andy away. It was his fault Andy is so busy nowadays to pay attention to Kira."

"Yao, go get Artie and get out of here." I told him. "Take my phone, I'll let you know when it's safe." Yao nodded and disappeared downstairs to retrieve the sleeping toddler, then edge outside. There was a a standoff between me and the 'possessed' Kira. There was no helping Ivan, he was still alive, but I can't move him on my own.

"Kira...this isn't cool. I'm sorry, but...!"

"He ordered the baby for you. You know that? I was being crowded out of your life, luv. I just found him on the computer, ordering ANOTHER for you. Do you want to know who?"

I shook my head as Kira stepped closer, grabbing my chin and craning my head up so I had to choice but to look at her bright red eyes.

"When it arrives, nothing will change. Andy is mine, forever and ever and ever." She let out a childish cackle and released me, wrenching the door open and disappearing. I waited until the roar of a motorcycle came careenign from our driveway and into the road for me to sink to my knees. I couldn't breathe, the adrenaline pumping through me fast. Was I a sick bastard for loving the adrenaline that came when Kira started acting possessed? Most likely, but I couldn't help it, I've been sick one way or another my entire life.

"00~?" I looked down, seeign Ivan looking up at me half-lidded, a childish grin on his face. "Is 00 alright?"

I smiled sadly and dabbed at the blood with my apron. "I'm fine, Ivan. Thank you for protecting me."

"I promised, didn't I?" Ivan reminded me, and sat up but lost his grip and collapsed onto me, his head meeting my shoulder. "Sorry, 00. I will be better in a moment. Where is Yao-Yao? Nana didn't hurt him, did he?"

"No. I had him take Artie and leave. I'll call them back when we get you off the floor." I told him, lettign him use me as a crutch as we stood and he limped into the living room, collapsing on the couch. "Ivan...Nana is not well, so please...don't hold this against her. There is a devil in her head that makes her do things like this."

Ivan frowned. "00...Nana scared you so badly, you couldn't stand!"

I blushed. "Please, Ivan..."

Kira was still not back by the next morning, and breakfast was a quiet affair, until the ringing of the doorbell froze me up as I was feeding Artie. China took the spoon, freeing me up to open the door to whoever was leaning on the bell so insistently.

"Morning, ma'am!"

I sighed. "Another one? Look, I stopped ordering these ages ago, why are you still bringing them?"

The delivery man gulped at the look on my face. "Sorry, ma'am...not really my department. So if you could please sign, then you can just call the company..."

"GAH!" I yelled angrily, signing the paper and throwing it at him. "Bring it in, then. But if I end up with another one after this, que Dios se apiade de tu alma inutil!" I screeched at him, slipping into spanish, not even bothering to look at the manual.

"00? Is Nana home?" Ivan peeked into the room, to see the delivery guy bringing in a crate.

"No Ivan. It's a new friend." Russia smiled.

"Yay~! But this friend is for 00 only!" Russia said. I gaped at him.

"Q-que? What do you mean a friend for me?"

"Well, I have my Yao-Yao, and Artie is too young, and I don't like Nana anymore,so this friend is for you!"

I spun to face the nost delivery guy. "If your done, get the fuck out of my house!" I growled, slammign the door shut after them. "Ivan...do you have ANY idea, the consequences of what you just said and did?" I asked lowly. "I have been with your Nana since I was a baby. I was abandoned by my parents, and your Nana saved me. COUNTLESS times, your Nana saved me. So you got me a 'friend', because you don't like your Nana any more? Ivan...that devil possessed Kira because she found out. Your Nana pretends to be strong, but she's only strong because I make her strong. You broke your Nana, Ivan..." I leaned my head against the door, trying to get some air in my lungs.

"I-ivan, aru? Can you finish feeding Artie, aru?"

"Sure thing, Yao-Yao~."

A slim hand fell onto my shoulder. "Don't blame this all on Ivan, aru. It was my fault as well for talking him into it."

"I don't blame anyone, Yao. I'm just trying to fit the jigsaw in my head together. I'm tired, I'm going to go take a nap. Will you wake me when Kira comes home?"

"Yes, I'll send Ivan down, aru."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"Andy? Time to wake up, aru!"

"Mrrp."

"No way, aru. You have to eat."

"Nggrrl."

"If you don't get up, aru, I'll send Ivan up to carry you to the table."

"Grrsh..."

Does this conversation make sense to you? If it does, congratulations. If not, what's basically going on is that it is dinnertime, and Yao is trying to get me up, but me being the stubborn bitch I am, refuse to leave the warm and comfy confines of my bed. But, Yao doesn't like that I'm not eating enough, so dinnertime is very important. And I can't STAND being carried. Especially by my giant of a son...and that's basically what Yao is threatening me with. I grudgingly sat up and rubbed my eyes before putting on my glasses to see that Yao wasn't exactly alone...

"Hijo? If both of you are down here, who's with Artie?" I asked, still kinda too drowsy to enter panic mode.

Ivan smiled. "00's friend is with sestra!" He announced.

"...Huh?" I shrugged off my pajama top and put on a blouse that was hanging over the back of the chair. Why was I already wearing slacks...? Eh, must've been too tired to even change my clothes properly. Maybe it's time for a doctor's appointment...

The first thing I saw was a slick-blonde head. I knew only one other blonde, but she didn't slick her hair back, so it wasn't my insane cousin...

"Who're you?" I asked. The newcomer turned around.

"Ludwig Beilschmidt. You must be Andy."

I nodded, and took the baby spoon from him. He SO fails at feeding kids.

"Andy Nitedream. And you're getting more on his bib then in his stomach." I scooped some from the jar and plopped it quickly into Artie's mouth.

"...his? Why are you dressing him in girl's clothes?"

"I wanted a daughter. Yao made it happen." I answered easily, taking the seat on the other side of Artie so I wouldn't have to make contact with the German. From the corner of my eye, I could see Yao and Ivan trading looks. "If you two have something to say, then say it!" I snapped.

"No idea what you're talking about Nana!" Ivan answered smoothly. "In honor of our new comrade, Yao-Yao is making something special!"

I sighed. Of course he was. "It's dysfunctional, crazy, and half the time we have no idea what the other is saying, but it's our family, and yours if you want it." I told him, wiping off Artie's face before unsnapping his bib. "Yao, did the living room get cleaned up?"

"Sure did, aru! Ludwig helped!" Sure enough, no sign of the crate to be found. Or any dirt whatsoever, including the mud the deliverymen tracked in.

Okay, I offically like this unit =D

But now I have nothing to do.

Fuck.

I so phail at life.

"Is there anything wrong?"

I turned to look at the bonde newcomer. I grinned.

"Nope! Just wasn't expecting you to clean up after yourself. Not even Ivan cleans up after himself. Yao does, but that's because he's just as much a housewife as I am."

"A housewife...then where is your husband?"

"Eh...Kira left for awhile...but she'll be back! She'll be excited to meet you."

I don't think he quite believed me, but whatever. I could really care less. I got a hot German to keep me company! =D LOL

Ya'll want a shojo scene? As I was going around him to go back into the kitchen, I tripped over the couch leg *coughAGAINcough* and started falling forward, squealing slightly. My hand didn't even touch the carpet before a rough pressure around my chest caught me.

"Hey, are you alright?" I looked up, catching a glimopse of a dark ponytail ducking out of sight before looking back at worried blue eyes.

"Eh...heh heh. Opps? I really need to move that damned couch. I trip over that thing at least three times a week." Germany looked like he was considering shipping himself back to the factory.

"You honestly can't be that clumsy."

I stuck out my tongue childishly and chuckled. "Kira once put me in a bubble, just to see if I could keep from bruising for an entire week. It popped three hours later."

Germany sighed and pulled me upright, his arm staying in place a moment longer than necessary.

"Y-your chest..."

I looked at him curiously, inwardly laughing at his red cheeks. "What about it?"

"I-it's not..." His voice failed him bigtime. "Nevermind, it's nothing."

Ha, there's your shojo scene.

And no, it wasn't needed =D

But I am continuing that little chest argument. Just because it's funny watching the great Germany turn into the cherry's cousin.

"Seriously, what about my chest?" I asked, turning to him completely and putting my hands on my hips.

"It's nothing! Absolutely nothing!"

I grinned after a second, then gave him sly eyes. "I get it...you're a pervert!" I accused. "You felt me up!"

"No! I wouldn't...!"

"If you wanted to look, you could've just asked. I don't have anything to hide." I told him, moving to lift my shirt up, but his hands took ahold of it, forcing it back down.

"That isn't necessary! Really!"

"...You idiot." I pouted and turned away, leaving him dumbfounded.

Heh...maybe I just like fucking with people's minds? It is fun after all...

A loud pounding sounded from the front door during dinnertime, coupled with low murmurings.

"What's going on, aru?" China asked, frowning.

"_MI PRESIOSO TESORO~~_I seemed to have forgotten my key! The car is here, can you hear me? Andy!"

"Nana is being too obnoxious. She'll scare sestra." Ivan frowned, standing up. I jumped up and grabbed his shoulder to stop him.

That voice...that creepy little double-toned voice. That devil hadn't left Kira alone yet? Of course...she left before I could do anything...but it's been in control for so long...

"00?" Ivan called out. I snapped my head to look over at him, then over at my shoulder at the puzzled face of Ludwig, and Yao's angry face.

"Yao, take Artie and hide in the back hallway, within easy reach of the back door so you can escape if needed. You two should-"

"Nana is scaring 00 again, isn't she? That's not very nice." Ivan interrupted, bringing his faucet pipe out from under the table. Ludwig stood as well, putting his hands on the table.

"I am not understanding this! What is going on?" He demanded.

"MI PRESIOSO TESORO! I hear voices! Are you home?" The calling voice was coupled with impatitent poundings.

"Go." I whispered harshly and went to answer the door, coming face to face with the schizo blonde. "Kira..."

Her arms went around me, and buried her face into my hair.

"Mi presioso tesoro! You're okay! You didn't answer the door right away, so I thought something happened!" She looked around the living room and as much of the kitchen she could see, as if looking for someone.

"Where are the children? Isn't it dinnertime? You and Yao are usually so punctual with mealtimes..."

"They went out for the night...and being on my own, well...Not much use spending time on cooking a meal for a single person. I actually just got done eating ramen...if you're hungry, I can make you something." I stepepd aside, letting the enemy in the house. But she froze at the doorway leading into the kitchen.

"Andy...I don't like ti when you lie to me." She frowned and turned to me. "There's abandoned dinner plates on the table." I cursed, not paying attention when she reached over and grabbed my shirt, pulling me towards her. "Mi presioso tesoro. Tell me the truth."

"The truth? You want the truth?" I asked, trembling slightly. I grabbed the hand still holding onto my shirt and glared up at her, seroing in on the blood-colored pupils. "YOU'RE A DEMON!" A sharp pain came from my cheek, but I didn't stop. "Kira! You're acting crazy again! Get ahold of yourself, or I'm LEAVING!" She froze slightly and frowned. The bloody pupils dimmed.

"Andy...You can't leave me Andy..." She carressed the cheek she backhanded and fixed my glasses, before bending down and nuzzling the unhurt side of my face as she circled ehr arms around my waist.

"I'm so sorry, Andy...don't leave me..."

I relaxed my shoulders some. "Kira..."

"Especially...since you have no where else to GO!" She started squeezing my midriff, closing me into her harder and harder. It was getting hard to bring air inro my lungs.

"Together...forever...Andrew Andrea. My little Andy. Mi presioso tesoro."

"Ki...ra...sto...p..." I gasped, wasting precious oxygen. My vision began to dim. A loud crack came from my side, stinging pain shooting from each nerve in the area. I screamed out. The bitch must've broke one of my ribs! Dammit, those are a pain to heal!

"00!" I smiled at the name and let myself fall to the floor when the pressure released me.

I woke up, my sight beyond blurry, worse then when I'm without my glasses.

"Oh! Mr. Nitedream, you're awake!" I looked over to see a little scrappy thing in nurse's scrubs messing around with an IV. Wait...

"What...? Mr. Nitedream...so Kira's here too...?"

"I'm sorry? Oh, Mrs. Nitedream...I'm sorry, but she is no longer with us..." The nurse looked genuinely sad. I was confused, or delusional from the meds. Whichever.

"But...I'm Andy...so how is Mrs. Nitedream dead...?" I lifted my hand to check if I really was still in my body. Yup. There's that scar on my wrist.

"I'm sorry? Well, these painkillers must've made you a little loopy. Anyway, your family is in the waiting room if you wish to see them, Mr. Nitedream."

"...Yeah..." I nodded slightly, and picked up the glasses I spotted on the table. Well, at least my vision isn't blurry anymore.

"Andy, aru!" Yao rushed in first, holding Artie. Ivan followed after his enthusiastic wife, Ludwig following them.

"00 is okay now?" Ivan asked, holding my hand. I smiled up at my psuedo-son and blew a lock of hair out of my face.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Ivan."

"You gave us quite a fright, Andy." Ludwig remarked. "For a moment, I thought we'd lost you."

I squeezed Ivan's hand. "Who was it that killed my husband...?" I asked. The three wouldn't look me in the eye. Ludwig cleared his throat. I looked over at him.

"Forgive me, Mrs. Nitedream. I don't know what came over me...when I saw him hurting you...I overreacted. I can never repay you for taking me into your home, and how I repay you is by killing your husband..."

"It was you, aru?" Yao asked, astounded. Ludwig nodded hesitatingly.

He looked up, shocked at my chuckling, soon joined in by Ivan.

"It was a demon in Kira's skin. After she was done with me, she would've came after the rest of you. Kira...Kira has been dead for so long...you saved her as well, Ludwig. That demon in her head...That DAMN demon from the scum pits of hell..."

I wasn't allowed out of the hospital for a week after I woke up. I'd only been there a few hours when I woke up, which explained why that intern had no idea that the Mister and Missus roles were swapped. She must've gotten it at one point, because she made it a point to return and offer her condolences over the passing of 'Mr. Nitedream'.

I'm still numb over that...I understand that yes...Kira was dead. She died by Ludwig's hand, because he was protecting me.

Kira...

Kira is...

Kira is DEAD...

I cried. Not over that demon in my cousin's skin, but over the real Kira. The one that protected me since I was a infant, and she was five. Five years difference, and yet she was with me every step of my life. From when she took me away from my abusive mother as a baby when she returned from kindegarten, then grade school. To having her teacher excuse her early so she would be there when I was let out of school. To when she gave up High school halfway through so she could get a job during my school hours so she'd have her own place that I could escape to. To when I graduated high school and Kira 'proposed' to me, just to piss off my mother and her father. Abuela...she knew everything that went on. That's why when it came time for her to make her will, she struck everyone against us off the list, pissing off a lot more relatives.

That's when Kira thought up the idea of changing our names, then selling abuela's house to ourselves. Before we were Andy and Kira Nitedream, we were Andrew Rodriguez and Katrina Vasquez. Our abuela's lawyer, who then became OUR lawyer, wasn't the cleanest of lawyers, which is why abuela used him. He made our marriage 'legal', given our familial circumstances, then erased Andrew and Katrina off the radar. Despite it all, my mother still found us, and word spread through my side of the family. Kira, the lucky brat, washed her hands clean of her family after that man-to-man fight with her father, and fully renounced herself as part of their clan. My family still came calling now and again, because, to tell the truth, in the end we were sloppy in covering our traces.

That past is etched in stone and my memory. Despite the beatings, the depression, and the sickness that came over my body again and again, I wouldn't trade her for anyone. Kira was mine, and the many memories we amde will never change that.

I cried during her funeral, which, despite my best efforts, wasn't small and private. And you can guess who caused that.

"Andrew!"

"Mother." I looked at her levelly, not letting any emotion go across my face, despite wanting to take a cleaver to her head. "Why are you here? You never liked Kira..."

She slapped me. I put a hand to the throbbing redness. "Ouch."

"How dare you speak to me that way, you insolent brat! What is with those clothes? Even now, you dirty everything you touch with your uncleanliness!" She seethed. My father came from behind her and grabbed her hand.

"Miriam, enough. We are not here for that. This is a solemn occasion. Our son lost the safety and support of his best friend."

"He probably killed her. Making friends with Katrina was the only thing you have ever done right! At least she kept you out of my face as much as possible! Yet, at the end of the day, you still shadowed the doorstep!"

"It's not like I wanted to." I murmured. She didn't hear me.

"And now she's gone! Who's going to take care of you now?" She demanded.

"Miriam, that's is no need for such harsh words..." She rounded on my father.

"AND YOU! So soft, and always loved that piece of trash more than me! Even when you found out he whored himself around while Katrina wasn't looking!"

"GO TO HELL!" I shouted, making the two start and look at me. Most of the room looked at me.

"00, do you want to go?" Ivan came up from behind me and put a sturdy hand on my shoulder.

"Who are you?" Father asked, strong but soft.

"Ivan is my and Kira's son. But he has no relation to YOU. I am financially secure thanks to abuela, as for support and safety? I have my family. I have my son, my daughter and daughter-in-law, and a special friend. It's my real family, the one that Kira started for me, and left me with, knowing I'd be safe and happy, once I was done mourning for her. I am burying ehr in the family gravesite. And I forbid anyone related to this accursed family that cast me aside from ever even allowing their shadows darken my property."

The weight of my words weighed heavily on everyone's eardrums, but just allowed Yao, Ivan, and Ludwig to smile darkly. Most of the uninvited guests left, except for my mother and father.

"Your son? Your SON? YOUR SON? SUCH ABOMINATIONS UPON MANKIND! You and Katrina being involved THAT WAY is DISGUSTING! FILTH! WHORE! INCARNATION OF SIN! REPENT IN HELL!" She grabbed my hair and threw me to the floor. Ivan produced his faucet pipe and slammed it across her stomach, making her choke and gargle before vomiting on the carpet.

"Come on, Miriam." Father led her out of the building, having to drag her the rest of the way when she collapsed.

"Are you alright, 00?" Ivan asked, lifting me to my feet and straightening my kimono the best he could with his large, unskilled hands.

"Enough, aru! You're gonna make it come apart completely, aru!" Yao handed Artie to the Russian and started undoing the damage.

"Seems your life has never been easy." Ludwig commented, pushing me towards a chair before I collapsed from my wobbling legs. I chuckled wearily.

"Actually...the best years of my life...were after me and Kira got married. It made my past bearable. And I got you guys now, so I guess it won't be so bad."


	9. Chapter 9

Yeah. This is the chapter that made me up it to M. Don't blame me, blame the writing staff. Oh shit...I AM the writing staff! Well...fuck...

Chapter 9:

Okay, wtf?

"We're leaving now, aru!" Yao called cheerily,appearing in the kitchen doorway with a suited-up Artie on his hip.

"...You're leaving? To where?" I asked, my glasses sliding down my nose from when I looked up from my laptop.

"For Artie's baby pictures, aru! We'll be back!"

"Goodbye,00!" Ivan called as well before the front door closed.

"...As it's my money they're spending, shouldn't they inform me ahead of time when they're doing things like this?" I asked rhetorically. Ludwig nodded absently. The pressing silence from the rest of the house made things uncomfortable.

"I think...I shall go gather wood..." Ludwig stood, reaching for his coat.

"We have enough wood to last us through the rest of winter, Ludwig." I frowned. "If you cut down any more trees, you'll decimate the store for winters to come. Half the wood out there will rot before the next cold season as it is."

That stopped him. I sighed. "If being alone with me is that hard, I can go grocery shopping, I suppose, while you watch the house..."

"Uh, no, no! It's not that...actually...to tell you the truth...I'm a little worried that being alone with a male would give you another attack..."

"I'm taking my medication again. The only thing I'm worried about is Kira coming back from the grave. She's buried right outside for god's sake."

The clock ticking was loud, knocking against our ears. My fingers paused on the keys, making Ludwig look up at me from the newspaper.

"I'm going to make some coffee...would you like some?"

"Yes, if it's not too much trouble."

This is going nowhere...goddammit Ivan, why did you get Germany to be my 'comrade'? Might as well've gotten Japan with the amount of abstinence going on around here. Though Japan is such a otaku, he'd probable collapse from the amount of moe around me.

I switched on the radio for background noise, starting to hum along with a 3 Doors Down song. Looks like I caught it halfway through. Germany listened to it, frowning.

"What is this?" He asked, turning in the chair slightly.

"Citizen Soldier." I told him, pausing in my humming so I could sing along with the lyrics. "_Hope and pray that you never need me but rest assured I will not let you down, I walk beside you but you may not see me, the strongest among you may not wear the crown~on that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care, I'll be right here~On that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear, I'll be right here~ _It's a good song. One of my favorites from this band."

"Ja. The words are somewhat inspirational."

"...Honeslty, I never thought it as inspirational. More like how people should be. What does a soldier fight for, Ludwig?"

"To protect and serve their country." He answered automatically. I nodded.

"Well, I wasn't thinking of 'serve', but the protecting part. There are people who can't protect themselves, so there are those who take an active role in protecting them. To basically be a soldier without actually being one. Am I making sense?"

Ludwig nodded. "Amazingly, yes."

I brought the mugs back to the table and resumed typing as Lady Gaga started playing 'Alejandro'.

I love my radio station. It was silent between us again, finally ticking me off.

"If you don't atart talking about something, I'm going to start fucking stripteasing." I growled. Ludwig coughed on his coffee, some of the scalding liquid going down the wrong way.

"WHAT?"

I sighed and powered down my laptop. "I'm going to go take a shower..."

"WHAT? We left the house just so you two can hook up, aru!" Yao scolded the blonde when the Chinese man asked if their plan worked. "A striptease and a shower, aru? Are you that thick, aru?" Ivan was in the background, doing his 'kolkolkol' thing, while Artie just played with some alphabet blocks that Yao got for him. Yao turned his back on the ashamed German and started muttering.

"Guess we'll have to be trickier than before..." He turned on his heel and pointed at Germany. "You stay here and look after Artie, aru! Me and Ivan have to go pick something up from the pharmacy, aru!" He grabbed Ivan wrist and took off before the German could protest. Artie looked over at the German, the two blondes having an impromptu staring contest.

"...Hard to believe a young'un like you ends up as my enemy..."

"This place is a sanctuary." I told him, leaning against the doorway. "Past grudges and future wars are averted. The only thing to fear was mine and Kira's wrath. But with Kira dead, there is only me, but I can't do much with this body." I stooped down, stacking Artie's blocks.

"Mum mum mum mum!" Artie chanted, gurgling happily as he reached over to hug my arm.

"How long have you been standing there?" Germany asked, nervous that their little plan was discovered.

"Ludwig, I knew from the start. Seriously, Yao and my son are not that sneaky." I chuckled a bit. "I'm not the kind to allow others to play me a fool, but I'm going to go along with Yao's next plan. Unless you aren't really as interested as you claim to be."

"I-I am! It's not that simple for me, though. After all, you keep saying we are family, but family does not get romantically involved...and you are still mourning the death of your husband...I am in your debt for needlessly caring for me..."

"So you're shy AND have a complex." I deadpanned. "Ludwig, you are an idiot. Unless you haven't noticed, this family is nowhere near normal. I will forever be mourning Kira, but I can't let that stop me more than it already has. I have so many scars, I refuse to find someone else who will undoubtedly give me more. So, since this sentimental bullshit I'm sprouting is too much for you, I'll dumb it down for you." With that, I strode across the living room,planting a knee between his spread legs, and planted a juicy one on his lips. After a moment, I stood and left the room, leaving behind a shocked Ludwig and a oblivious Artie.

The next day, I was down in my room, working on the large painting that has been in progress for the last four years, singing along to the playlist on my desktop.

"_Your parents say everything's your fault, but they don't know you like I know you, they don't know you at all~_"

"Andy, aru! I brought you some tea!" Yao said, coming downstairs with a small tray with a lone cup.

"Thanks." I muttered absently, trying to decide between slate and midnight paint. I ended up just mixing together plum and indigo to create a qipao China had yet to wear.

"I would like to see the finished painting when it's done, aru."

"Yeah. Send Ludwig down, would you? I wanna get a precise match on his coloring." I mumbled and took the mug, not even noticing when Yao disappeared upstairs.

"_I'm not the one who's so far away when I feel the snakebite enter my brain~ never did I wanna be here again, and I don't remember why I came~_"

"China said you wanted to see me." I turned and waved him over, staring at his hair.

"Wanted to make sure I got the coloring right..." I murmured, making him bend his head so I could rake a hand through it. "Made it too dull..." I let him go and turned back to the painting, chewing on my lip as I grabbed my mug, licking my lips.

"Should open up a tea shop..." I voiced. Ludwig nodded after a moment.

"Is this all you needed me for?"

I sighed. "Yeah...I'm finished for the-" A burning started in the pit of my stomach, making me gasp and drop the mug in my haste to grab my midriff. "Argg...oww..."

"Andy, are you alright?" Ludwig asked, panicking slightly as sweat dripped down my face. He grabbed the cup and sniffed it. "I don't detect any poison...an allergic reation maybe?"

"L-ludwig..." I gasped, pulling at the long shirt I was wearing over bicycle shorts. "It hurts, Lud..."

The blonde pulled me up into a bridal lift and deposited me on the bed, getting ready to go call for Yao, when I grabbed his shirt and pulled him down on top of me. I moaned when his hand unintentionally brushed against a sensitive part of my anatomy.

"Ah! Forgive me, I didn't mean to...!" He sputtered, trying to lift himself back up.

"L-lud...wig...please..." I unintentionally moved my pelvis so his still raised hand could touch that part of my body again. "I'm gonna die..."

Ludwig gulped and helped to pull my shirt over my head, revealing pale skin and dusky nipples, along with a few pink, raised marks across my stomach and sides. His thumbs followed each line from my neck, down to the waistline of my shorts before pulling them down to my knees.

"Andy..." Germany whispered. I whimpered, pulling myself up by his neck to attack my mouth to his.

"Lud...hurry..." I whimpered. Germany growled and grabbed a straw ball of yarn that escaped from my craft box while I was looking for a extra painting pallet. He grabbed my hand and started twining it around my wrists, over and over until it was too thick to break through. He flipped me over onto my stomach, nipping at my neck as he used my saliva as a lube substitute. I whimpered, driving myself back against his fingers, straining my shoulders as he held my bound hands down against the mattress.

"Ready?" He asked unnecessarily, his voice a bit rough. I made a keenign sound, swaying my hips until he held my hip fast with his free hand before driving home. The sudden invasion made my back arch and a pathetic cry spring from my lips.

"L-ludwig...!" I whimpered loudly, my knees threatening to collapse already. I could feel more wetness coming from inside, most likely some of my blood vessels havign been severed from something so large enter me so roughly. Note to self, spit SUCKS as a substitute for lubricant.

He started withdrawing slowly, then snapping his hips forward, burying himself back in to the sound of my drawn-out moans. Again and again he buried himself balls deep withing my hole, letting wrists go in favor of stroking my leaking dick roughly, his calloused hand providing just enough friction to drive me crazy with the slow strokes.

"L-lud-w-wig...!" I cried out when he finally hit that shriveled gland inside me, white blocking my vision as I emptied onto my bedspread. A rush of something liquid pushed against my prostate, furthering my orgasm until I was a crying, spasming mess in my own cum. Ludwig took his time, breaking the yarn strands two at a time until my poor chafed wrists were free, and he pulled a boneless me into his lap. I couldn't even move as I fought for breath.

"B-besame...Ludwig?" I requested. He looked down at me weirdly. "Kiss me?" I asked again, back into my plainly spoken english. He granted my request.

"...Are you alright? Andy?" He asked.

I nodded slowly, too numb to move as he lifted both of us off the bed and take off the soiled sheets one-handed and wiping me off with them before laying me down on my bed and cover me with the quilt. I opened my eyes a slit to smile over at Ludwig.

"Lud...?" I murmured. "Next time Yao wants to put an aphrodiasiac into my tea, warn me first...?" I requested as he redressed himself.

"I will. Rest, Andy."

I nodded and fell asleep, missing him mouth something over to my unconsious form.

"Did you two need to be so loud, aru?" Yao asked, exasperated when the blonde reappeared from downstairs. Germany blushed.

"Andy asks that when you drug his tea again, to warn him. He thought he was dying at first." He told him, going to the second floor to use the shower, missing the flustered expression on Yao's face.

My eyes felt as if they were glued together as I sat up, hissing at the pain ravaging through my backside. My hips were on fucking fire! Dammit! TT^TT And I was not enjoying the dried-up itchiness attached to my skin.

"Goddammit!" I growled, standing up slowly and grabbing my robe before heading upstairs. "Good morning~." I called out groggily.

"Mummy!" Something tackled my stomach and nearly made me fall over. I looked down to see a mop of sandy-blonde hair coming up to my waist.

"Huh...?" The blonde looked up, letting me see the caterpillar-eyebrows and emerald eyes.

"Arthur...? You...you're..."

"I'm big now, Mummy! Big brother and big sister said so!" His eyes glittered. "Now that I'm big, can I be a big brother too?" I chuckled.

"Maybe, Artie. I don't think mummy is up to anymore kids, and I'm sure big sister would like a rest as well."

"You're awake. How're you feeling?" I looked over to see Germany sititng at the table. I lifted Artie up into his booster seat and sat down as well, wincing when my rear came in contact with the hardwood chair. I really need to get cushions...eventually.

"Could be better. You didn't really go easy on me, considering..." He looked as if he was holding his breath at that. "It HAS been awhile." I chuckled at his red face when he let it go. "What, you thought I was a virgin?"

If possible, he turned even redder. "This is not appropriate breakfast conversation, especially in the prescence of an impressionable child..."

I just ignored his protests as I powered up my laptop and grabbed the phone.

"What are you doing, Mummy?" England asked, looking over my arm to the computer.

"Mummy has a surprise for big sister, so don't say anything, alright? It'll take awhile, think you can keep a secret for that long?"

Arthur nodded, eyes shining with curiosity. I looked through the corner of my eye to see Ludwig watching the two of us with a small smile on his face. Is he daydreaming or something? Ha! Imagine that, Germany daydreaming while smiling at me and Little!England!

"Well, soon, you will be an adult, so mummy and big sister need something to do with our time. So, mummy was thinking of opening a little tea shop in town. What do you think?"

"I think it's a great idea! What do you think, Papa?" England turned to look at the other blonde. I froze, and Germany didn't seem to know what to do, or how to even respond.

"Hmm? Mummy! Mummy, what's the matter?" Artie grabbed my sleeve and started shaking me slightly. I took down my hand and covered his own, a small smile on my face.

"Nothing's the matter, bebe. Just a small headache..."

"Do I need to get big sister?" I thought a moment and smiled.

"Yes, go get your siblings, then go get dressed. You and big brother can go out and play in the snow."

"Alright then!" Arthur jumped down from his seat and left the room. It was silent while I fought the familiar burning behind my eyes. I didn't know what for, though. Sadness? Maybe embarrassment...after all, Kira had barely been dead two weeks and she was already being replaced by a mail-order companion...

A pressure came from ym lower back and I looked up to see Ludwig pushing me out of my chair and towards the sink. Thank god, when I felt bile burning my throat and disturbing my gag reflex. I started retching my stomach inside-out when Yao entered the room and shooed Germany away, holding my hair from my face and pointedly looked away from the bile sliding down into the drain.

I finally stopped and gladly accepted the bottle of water Yao put in my hand. "Are you alright now, aru?" He asked gently.

"...He thought Ludwig was his Papa..." I murmured hoarsely. "I don't know why that upsets me...but it was almost as if he doesn't remember Kira at all...god this is like Kingdom Hearts or some time of shit, with that memories bullshit. Fuck! Goddmmit Yao, it's like nobody remembers Kira at all except for me! Not even the school called..."

"Because Kira was a huge part of your life, aru. That, and Artie was still like a baby when she died. Ivan is going to talk to him, aru."

"Is he taking him to the graves? I wanna go too." I stood up shakily, Yao being my crutch as we put on our winter gear and trekked into the thick snow towards white-covered stones coming from a gated area. It didn't take long to find them, as I had Kira placed into a still empty corner of the yard, not far from where I buried Prussia...shit, I hope Ludwig doesn't find out about that...

"Mummy!" England turned and came over to me, stumbling in the drifts. "Big brother told me! I'm sorry Mummy! I didn't mean to make you cry!"

"It's fine, Artie. Don't worry. Actually...I think Ludwig would like it...if you started calling him Vati."

"00 will be alright?" Ivan asked, cocking his head. I nodded.

"00 will be just fine, Ivan."

"0...0..." Artie tried to repeat the strange word. "What does that mean, Mummy?"

"It's Russian for Mummy, Artie. It's a special word, just like when I call you bebe, or you call Ludwig Vati, or when your father called me precoso tesoro when she was alive."

"What does that mean? And in what language? I want to know it all, Mummy!"

I laughed. "That would mean teaching you all kinds of different languages, Artie. Russian, Chinese, German, and Spanish. Do you think you'll have enough room in your head for five different languages? Not to mention, Mummy doesn't know all of those either, but I can definitely teach you Spanish, if you wish. For starters, precoso tesoro is Spanish for 'Precious Treasure'."

"Precoso...taysoro?" Artie tried to repeat. I ignored the slight pang in my chest.

"Precoso tesoro. And one day, you'll meet someone where you want to treat them like the most precious thing in the world, they will be your treasure. Just as big brother treats big sister." Artie looked back to the Russian and Chinese, walking close together with Ivan's arm around the Chinese man, keeping him from stumbling in the thick snow.

Arthur nodded in understanding, and I let him down so he could stamp his feet clear of snow on the front porch, it just barely clearing the foot tall bank of snow.


	10. Omake

Fuck you all.

IT'S AN OMAKE, BITCHES.

+_+ As if this story really needs one... +_+

"Ah! AndyKitty, KiraKitty, how are you?" JapanNeko asked, cruising by on his faithful stead, the overly fluffy Pochi.

The black cat looked over its shoulder from scolding the larger blue-furred one.

"JapanNeko. I'm just fine. But KiraKitty is in trouble. Once again, she gambled away some of our personal store of canned tuna, so now she must go fishing so our Masters don't get suspicious. Honestly, she never learns!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, AndyKitty. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know." The tuxedo meowed. AndyKitty nodded.

"Yes, if you see GerMouser, let him know I must speak with him before the meeting."

"Actually, I am going to meet with him and ItaBby now, if you care to join." KiraKitty grinned.

"Go ahead, AndyKitty. I need to go find LiechtenKitten anyway. Maybe piss off SwissCat while I'm at it."

"Going near LiechtenKitten, you'll do that anyway." AndyKitty griped, but departed anyway, climbing aboard Pochi.

JapanNeko had no idea that when he found GerMouser, it was to him pinning down ItaBby. AndyKitty just sweatdropped.

"GerMouser, what are you doing?" He asked, dropping down from the dog and approaching. GerMouser jumped up.

"I was just teaching ItaBby a lesson, honestly!" He explained away.

AndyKitty nudged his head under GerMouser's chin, purrign slightly. "You're too nervous. It's not like I care, I know ItaBby is overly affectionate, honestly." GerMouser sighed in relief. It was always a bad day when AndyKitty was upset with him. AndyKitty looked back at the slightly blushing JapanNeko. Good thing HungaryCat wasn't nearby...

"Thank you for bringing me here, JapanNeko. If you want to, you and Pochi may join us for dinner. I think KiraKitty is going to stay with LiechtenKitten for the night."

"Thank you for the invitation, but i must respectfully decline. Maybe another time."

"AndyKitty, I still have not finished my rest, would you like to join me?"

"Okay. ItaBby! Siesta! Come join us!" AndyKitty called out, missing GerMouser's disappointed/irritated look.

"Yay, siesta!" ItaBby cheered and followed the two lovers over a nearby fence, presumably going to curl underneath AndyKitty's Master's porch, where the generous master had renovated to become like a real home for AndyKitty and KiraKitty, complete with weatherproof walls and floor, and an opening so the cats could enter the kitchen for mealtimes.

"Ve~! These are so comfortable!" ItaBby said, rolling around on one of the cushions.

"Yes, these are quite nice. Different then the ones from last time I came over. Did your master switch them out?" GerMouser asked, selecting a burgundy one to lay on. AndyKitty joined him, curling into his side. He nodded.

"Master likes to make sure me and KiraKitty are comfortable. That, and the last ones needed washed, since KiraKitty just lays down with muddy paws."

AndyKitty looked up to see ItaBby had come over from his own cushion to curl up on GerMouser's otherside, already fast asleep.

"Sleep, AndyKitty. I'll wake you and ItaBby before I leave." GerMouser nosed the drowsy kitten until AndyKitty laid down completely, soft snores coming from him. GerMouser felt as if he was in heaven.

.:END:.

Yeah, I'm sorry. But I was sorely tempted to put in a threesome at the end here, but didn't to save ya'll what brain cells most of you still have, despite rotting them away with the stuff me and Kira put out.

It's all good, 'cause now I got the threesome playing my head...shit, I am one sick bastard.

I'm sorry...


	11. Chapter 10

It's chapter ten. holy fuck.

Chapter 10:

Fuck Dora the Explorer

**-**asterish asterisk or a line whatever**-**

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT COMMIE BASTARD DOING HERE?"

The shop went silent as most of the customers either looked at the blonde in the bomber jacket in the doorway, or my ash-blonde son that he was pointing at. Ivan just smiled.

"Alfred, it is good to see you, da?"

The customer I was serving craned her neck to me a bit to whisper...loudly.

"Miss Nitedream, is that son of yours really a communist?"

I gritted my teeth, murder flashing in my eyes. "Excuse me a moment." I swerved around tables until I approached America and hit him upside the head with my serving tray and grab him by the collar of his jacket, making him double over so I could make him look me in the eye.

"You watch who you are speaking to. That's my son, you disrespectful brat!"

Alfred looked frightened. "I'm so sorry, ma'am! I didn't mean it, honest!" I released him.

"Good. I won't make you apologize to him, but be careful of your tongue!"

"Yes, ma'am." He looked scared as I turned and walked back to my customers, everyone resuming their own lives now that the spectacle was over.

Okay, in case you were wondering, this is a full six months after the last chapter, and now summer. In order to replace Kira's income, I used Kira's insurance to open up this little coffee shop, where now the whole family worked, including teenaged Arthur, who was still wearing dresses and being called Artie. Sometimes he threw a fit, but he was stuck as long as everyone thought he was a girl and I and Yao were making his clothes. I even had him grow out his hair so I could put them in two little spiky pigtails. Though, at the moment, it looked as if I was going to have to save him from that France unit that we met at Kira's fundraiser seven months ago.

Though, the question now is, where the hell did America come from? Oh well. It as none of my business, as long as he didn't harrass my family. Especially my daughter, what with an overprotective Madre, Vati, Nii-Nii, and 10B.

A quick tapping on my shoulder showed a out-of-breath teenage girl. "I'm so sorry ma'am, but have you seen a loud blonde, wearing a jacket with a giant 50 on it?"

"So that unit is yours, eh? He came in here and started messing with my son. He's over there, back table, chatting with Francis and Artie."

"Huh...? I don't..." She looked around, finally spotting the Russia unit busing tables, the China over at the counter, and the France in the back talking to my girlish England. "But..? How...?" Poor girl looked as if she was gonna have a heart attack.

I sighed and steered her into an empty table. "Yao! Could you get this girl some strong tea? She's going through a little shock!" I sat down on the other side.

"The explanation is simple. While I can't explain how France got here, and apparently America is yours, that leaves the rest. They're my family."

"You're not a unit too, are you?"

"Oh god no! You're new to the Hetalia community, aren't you?"

"How'd you guess?" She chuckled, embarrassed.

"Here we are, aru. Are you alright?" Yao asked, placing the steaming cup in front of the girl.

She nodded and smiled at Yao. "I'll be fine, thank you."

Yao turned to me. "When you have a moment, Ludwig wants to talk to you, aru."

"I'll be there in a moment. Have Ivan go check on Artie in a moment, alright? You know how that Francis is."

"Will do, aru!"

"So...Germany's here too?" The girl asked nervously.

"He's my husband." She spit her tea out back into the cup and started coughing.

It took a moment for me to explain it to her, starting with getting Little!Russia nearly a year before, then extending our family to Yao, then Arthur, and finally Germany. She seemed sad to hear about Kira, just as I had to gulp back the rock in my throat when I mentioned her. It took only a few minutes, and I was interrupted by Ivan, carting the American back to the girl, who looked embarrassed at the looks she was getting from a few customers.

"A;01C=K9." Both me and Ivan chorused when the girl started scolding America, who actually looked ashamed of himself.

"I'm Alana by the way. Can we come again, provided Alfred doesn't make a racket everytime he sees your son?"

"It's fine with me. Will you two be safe getting home? And I thought I lived way out."

She laughed. "We'll be just fine! Can you believe this bonehead actually knows how to ride a motorcycle?"

"Hey! I'm right here!" Alfred pouted, and retaliated by shoving the helmet on the girl's head.

"Andy, It's about time to lock up. Do you have the keys?"

"I gave them to Ar-"

"HOLY SHIT ITS GERMANY!" America freaked out. Germany raised his eyebrow while I just ignored him.

"I gave them to Arthur, luv. He's staying with Ivan tonigh-" A loud crash came from inside, and Artie yelling.

"VATI!" Ludwig went thundering inside, I and Alana right behind him when she discovered Alfred disappeared, and I heard Artie yelling.

It was chaos inside, where Artie was staring horrified at two blondes in the middle of a fistfight, several tables and chairs broken. The crash came from the broken glass counter, now covered in blood and frosting. Yao and Ivan stood back, the Chinese nursing a cut on his cheek from flying glass.

"Alfred!" Alana called out, looking between passing out and jumping in there to land a punch herself.

"Ludwig, get Artie!" I told the blonde, gathering up my apron to jump over the wreckage of a table and reached for the shotgun I kept in the safe under the register. The first shot had everyone freezing and looking over at me, to see me kneeling next to the register, now moving the barrel from the ceiling to the gaping blondes in the middle of the resturant.

"Get up and part. NOW." I growled. The two jumped apart as soon as the order was given, hands in the air.

"Mummy!" Artie came running to me and hid her face in my apron, Yao, now with a band-aid on his cut already sweeping up glass and debris and Ludwig and Ivan guarding over America and France until France's owner got there.

"Artie, what happened?" I asked, lowering the gun and jumping down to gather the unit to me.

"Francis was harrassing me as usual, then America came back in and started spouting off about not noticing who I was before, then Francis said something in french, Alfred must've thought it was an insult because the next thing, the two of them were fighting..."

"Did you get that Alana?" I asked the red-faced girl.

"AKA, the damage was America's fault. I am so sorry, Ms. Nitedream. I'll be happy to pay for damages...or, rather, Alfred will..."

I smirked. "Alana, are you familiar with the anime, Ouran High School Host Club?"

She nodded, then the realization dawned on her. "You mean, have Alfred work here to pay off the debt? But, if Francis is a regular customer, aren't you worried about the two fighting again?"

"Nope!" I grinned. "Besides, you don't realize that the table in the far back, the one Artie and Francis were sitting at? Was an antique rosewood from 1824 that my great-grandmother recieved as a wedding present from my great-grandfather's family. Irreplaceable, seeing as it was handcrafted by a former slave from my grandfather's ancesteral plantation in Florida. So, in reality...there is no way to pay me back. Of course, I can always get another antique table, but that one was special to the family."

Alana just looked more and more horrified as I wove my tall tale. Artie looked ready to bust a gut from trying not to laugh.

"Are you freaking serious?" She squeaked.

I smiled. "Nope."

Arthur laughed as Alana started to deflate. "Why would you put me through that?"

"To see the look on your face." I told her, smiling happily. "It might've been an antique, I don't know. I just wanted to get Artie her own table to sit at while we're working, and she chose that one. It was only two dollars at a yard sale. That one might've been cheap, but there's still the counter, chairs and other tables, that all together to fix or replace will be costly."

Alana drooped a bit. "Alright. But working minimum wage, how long will it take Alfred to pay off?"

"I'm not sure...Yao!"

"Hm? What is it, aru?"

"Alfred's half of the bill. If he worked here minimum wage, how long will it take for him to pay it off?"

"Yao stopped and put a finger on his chin, thinking.

"Well, if he worked here full-time, he should have it paid off by next month, aru. But only a few hours, by the time school starts, aru."

"Actually, that's perfect!" Alana said and turne dto me, starry eyes and all. "Miss Nitedream, what about if he paid it off working here during the school year? I'm going to be a junior this year, and I'm going to need him occupied while I'm at school so he doesn't wreck the house! Please, Miss Nitedream! Please!"

I spluttered for a moment.

"Mum? Me and Ivan are going to school too, remember? You could use the help..."

I sighed. "That's true...I'm going to have to talk to your Vati."

"That means yes!" Artie told Alana, smiling. I looked at him dumbfounded.

"What? Artie, I said-"

"Vati does whatever you tell him. So when you said you'll talk to Vati, it equals yes, because asking him is just a formality, to keep from demasculating him."

I facepalmed. "Fine, just don't tell your Vati that..."

"Andy! I just got to my voicemail, how in the world did Francis destroy your shop?"

"He got into a fight with an America unit." I deadpanned to the woman that just rushed in. "America is gonna work off his half of the repair this fall. I'm trusting you can pay for Francis's half now?"

Maddy Charleston nodded and whipped out her checkbook. Damn rich people. I waved her off to Yao.

"Yao, Missus C is here for Francis!" I called out, then took Alana over to Germany. His irritated, hardass expression softened when he saw MY pissed-off expression.

"What's the matter, liebling?"

"Alana can't pay for her America." I told him flat out. "With Artie and Ivan going to school this fall, we'll be short-handed. How to you feel about Alfred working here during the school year to pay off his half of the repairs?"

"What did Yao say the cost would be? We can't keep the shop closed until we can get the money to replace everything."

"Estaremos Ludwig bien. Voy a cuidar de el."

Germany sighed. "Sie wissen, dass ich das nicht verstehe."

"Uh...what are you guys saying?" alana asked, confused and a little freaked out. I glared at Germany until he gave in.

"Fein aber nurm bis seine Schuld zahit ist."

"Yo no lo quiero cerca de mi hija mas de lo necesario."

I turned and smiled at the teen. "Alright. But just long enough, alright? And he better be a hard worker."

"Yay! I promise, Miss Nitedream! Alfred will work really hard for you!" Alana ran off to smack America up the head and tell him the news. When I started to walk off to help Yao clean up, Germany gripped above my elbow to keep me rooted.

"Sie schulden mich. You owe me for putting up with that idiot, Andy."

"What did you have in mind?" I demanded, looking back at him. Though my knees felt like jelly, I forced them to stay straight. Fuck the German language! And fuck the German speaking it to me!

"Sie werden kleinen Hasen sehen."

...Okay, I admit. I feel kind of scared. After all, my Germany is one FUCKING KINKY bastard. After our first time, he automatically went out and got a job at the phosporous mine outside town. Just STRAIGHT UP took the position of family patriarch. Yeah, I wasn't happy at first. I mean, he knew how I felt about this whole him-me-her thing. I still mourned my cousin.

But with no real reason for the money, I don't know how it happened, but under my bed there now sat a white box...full of bdsm shit. It was only used twice, willingly. After that, I put my foot down. I was unable to get out of bed both mornings because of my back, and I didn't want Artie to ask about the burns around my wrists and neck.

One good thing happened. He got a dog. Well, seeing as it's Germany, you'd expect a dog. But since it IS Germany, you would've thought a German Shepherd, huh? Wrong. A pure black, bear of a mixbreed. That I happily named Xaldin. Yay~

But when he pulls that freaky, sexy-as-hell German possessive 'I-own-you' shit...all bets are off, and Artie is sleeping over at Ivan and Yao's apartment that night. A little like Kira's demon, but that was just scary, not arousing. Wait...does that mean the demon was German? Eh, I lost count of how many bloodlines Kira was produced from. It might've been Prussian for all I know, it was perverted enough...no, Kira was perverted on her own...

Fuck it, now my head hurts.


	12. Chapter 11

So beyond rated-M. What the fuck was I on? *attempts to flip bed, and fails*

Chapter 11:

It's over?

The two of us crashed through the door of the house, Ludwig keeping me in place with a gripped fist on the hair of the nape of my neck. He kicked the door closed and forced me to turn, holding my wrists behind my back in one large hand, and started directing me downstairs, where he threw me on the bed.

I turned around to look at him, a little freaked when I saw him scoot the box out from its hiding place under my bed.

Ludwig frowned down at me. Okay...what?

"What's going on?" I asked, sitting up and readjusting the falling shoulder strap on my sundress. "Ludwig...?"

"I was at the graveyard last week." He said offhandedly, removing a leather collar from the box and fastening it around my outstretched neck, pulling on the chain to make it snug. "I wanted to pay my respects to your family, when I came across upturned earth...without a headstone. What is down there, Andy?"

My palms started sweating. "I don't know, Ludwig. I rarely go into the graveyard..."

"You're lying." He deadpanned, pulling my arms behind me so he could snap them together in a pair of police-grade handcuffs. Meaning my wrists'll be a bloody mess if I'm not careful.

"There is a reason you should've kept your documents more secure and organized, Andy. And do not attempt to blame it on Kira as well. Using your deceased cousin as an excuse with me. Pathetic. Something so disgusting, but I'd expect it from a whore such as you." He accentuated the last statement with a hand grasping a sensitive part of my anatomy. Damn those gloves to hell! I sucked in a breath and whimpered, feeling sweat pool in my padded bra. I felt something brush my ankles but ignored it until my wrists were jerked downward and flipped onto my back. My legs were bent upward from tugging at the cuffs on my ankles, my wrists now attached to them by a length of chain.

"Andrew..." Germany whispered in my ear, his voice the epitome of husky sexiness. A visible shudder rippled through my back and I attempted to straighten my slightly cramping legs.

"Ludwig...please..." I whimpered. My eyes widened when I saw him remove a knife from his boot...WHAT THE FUCK HE'S STILL WEAREING HIS SHOES. Oh...fuck...nevermind. His knife was scraping across my collarbone, one wrong shudder's worth of slicing my neck open. He traced it down until it met the middle of my bra and sliced it open, revealing pebbled nipples and my heaving lungs.

"Look at you. Just a few chains and you're excited all over. And the response to mein messer!"

I groaned and hid my face into the sheets, but Germany was having none of that. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look into his ice blue eyes.

"Wo ist mein bruder sie klein hurt? Beantworten sie mich schlampe!"

"What...Ludwig...AAHHHH!" He yanked on my braid, craning my neck back further than before. What was going on? Really, what was happening? He's never acted like this before! Like he's not even Ludwig anymore! As if...Kira's demon was back...but a hell fo a lot worse because Kira tried to hold it back!

"Ludwig, stop! Stop!"

"Nr., die ich nicht denke, dass ich werde."

"What does that even mean?" I demanded, just to feel a sharp pain from my face being backhanded. I spat out blood. "Ludwig, what are you doing? You're taking this too far! If it's about Alfred working at the shop, I'm sorry! I'll call Alana and work out something diffe-AAAAHHHHHHH!" I had my eyes closed, so I didn't even see him pull out a cat o'nine tails and whip at my unprotected blood, catching my back rougher than necessary so I could feel little rivulets of blood crawling across hypersensitive skin.

"Mein bruder! He's in that unmarked grave, isn't he?"

"No! Ludwig, please! Stop! Ludwig!" Every mark that whip-thing made, a scream would rip from my throat, along with tears, and more blood. This wasn't bdsm anymore. This was just torture. After what felt like hours, he stopped, and I heard something hit the ground, along with a thud. And yelling in German. I didn't care what was happening, as long as the onslaught of pain stopped. I was still gasping and sobbing into the sheets. Relief flowed through my aching limbs when I felt first the leg cuffs, then my wrist cuffs come undone, and somebody rubbing the feeling back into them.

I turned my head slightly, put could barely see, with both my eyes raw and my glasses gone. Said lenses were replaced, but I didn't want to open my eyes more than I already had them, which was barely slits.

"Why...? What did I do to deserve this...? You have Kira, why did you take Germany too, Demon Please...just leave me alone..." I cried lowly, barely a whisper, though no more tears would come. Sleep did, though. Thank god.

I awoke to a dark room, as if everything that happened was just a dream. I would've believed it, if I wasn't bandaged from my armpits to my hips, and I wasn't crying out in pain from just sitting up.

"Jeez, you'd think after that, you'd know beter than to move!" A familiar voice called out before the light was flipped on, revealing a face I thought I'd never see again.

"Pru...ssia...? But..."

"Tch, that husband, then that son of yours...is this place just full of psychos? And it seems it even infected mein bruder! You're lucky I heard ya, or he would've beat ya to death!"

"You mean...you were alive this entire time...? Kira and Ivan saved you?"

"You are REALLY out of touch with what's going on aren't ya? Yeah. They stashed me upstairs, since you never go up there."

I looked away towards the wall, guilt causing a lump in my throat. "I'm sorry, Prussia...I'm so sorry...and you repay my hatred with saving this sorry excuse for a human..."

"Hey, hey! Don't cry! It's no big deal, no harm done, right? You raised your kid right, he hasn't called me...that isn't important! C'mon, I know I'm too awesome for you to do that to me, but I guess I deserved it! Seriously, I think you've been punished enough, right?"

I sniffled slightly, looking at him with raw eyes. "The Demon...he took Kira, Prussia...now it's in Ludwig..."

"Demon...?" Prussia asked. "The hell are you talking about? There's no such thing!"

"Bruder, is he awake?" A head of blonde hair came downstairs. I froze, my lungs refusing to draw breath as I stared at him. I started shaking when he looked at me, then turned to go back upstairs. "Can you help him upstairs when he's ready to eat...?"

"Sure thing, West!" He looked back over at me and grinned. "Doesn't seem like he's possessed to me! C'mon, West says you haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday, you need some food in ya to heal those wounds of yours!" He came over and lifted me up effortlessly, making me squeal and kick my legs wildly.

"P-put me down! Put me down, put me down, put me down!" He did. In my kitchen chair, across the table from a silent Ludwig. Who just stared at me. I 'eep'ed and shrunk into myself.

"Andy..." Ludwig called out softly. "Forgive me. I don't know what came over me..."

"Shut up." I murmured. He looked up, confused. I just glared. "No quiero oirlo! Asi que callate!"

"Hey, you aren't cussing him out, are you?" Prussia asked, appearing with my special coffee mug.

"No..." I told him quietly. "I'm just wondering what will happen now. I don't think I can ever get over that...and the children will want to know what happened..."

"So you want a divorce?" Ludwig asked. Prussia just started laughing.

"No way! That Russian bastard didn't say anything about this! Since when were you guys married? And why wasn't I invited!"

"Common law marriage...Something uncomplicated, but it insures either of us is taken care of incase the other dies." I told him stiffly. "Ludwig...our relationship wasn't created so I could become a bloody mess for your brother to take care of!" I told him, fire in my eyes.

"Hey, tell ya the truth, I think it was awesome taking care of you. Bruder got himself a hot wife!"

I stood up carefully, my back stinging like hell. "I'm not hungry..." I told him, and went to go back downstairs.

"Hey, hey! C'mon, Andy! You don't have ta be scared of West anymore! Hell, he's a marshmallow!"

"I hate marshmallows." Something snaked around my waist and kept me in place. I squeaked and went still.

"Kesesese~ ya know, you're pretty cute when you're pissed~"

"Bruder!" Ludwig interjected. "Andy is in no condition to tolerate-"

"Kesesese~ Then why is he hard?" Prussia interrupted, surely enough, a hand rubbing me through my pants. I went red and felt my knees go weak. Fucking Germans constantly messing with me!

A green-sleeved arm smacked away the blue one from my pelvis. "Aw, c'mon, Westen. He's practically begging for it! Aren't ya, babe? And frankly, I don't think you can say much."

I whimpered in response, as he skimmed his fingertips at my hips.

I had no idea what time it was when I woke up next. All I know is that my back was sorer than ever, and I was sandwiched between two naked Germans. Along with my being naked too. Fuck. I groaned at the gross taste in my mouth and went to get up to brush my teeth, if I wasn't snagged around the chest by a cuddling albino.

"Where ya goin', gorgeous?"

"The bathroom, idiota. Let me go." I smiled at his groggy tone.

"Forgot I snagged me a smoking senora. Wanna see my five meters?"

"I saw your five meters already. Seriously, Gil, let go, befiore you wake up Ludwig."

"Fine. Killjoy." He muttered and released me, but watched through hooded eyes and a smirk as I staggered to the adjoining room. "That, is one fine ass." Prussia says appreciately to his brother. The blonde nodded.

"I messed up, bruder. I may have scarred him forever..."

"That's why I came out of hiding, bruder. You seriously almost killed Andy. And that is definitely NOT awesome."

"I don't know what came over me...that blood...and his cries..." He couldn't make it connect, but it registered with Prussia.

"Yeah..." He said, out of it. He blinked furiously when the bathroom light hit his eyes as I came out, now in a nightgown and crawled back into my space, to automatically be smothered by elder German brother, my stomach turning into a pillow for him as the blonde turned and laid an arm around my chest in a half-hearted attempt to cuddle.

I was confused, but was too tired to do anything but yawn and go back to sleep. Or I would've, if a certain Prussian hadn't moved my nightie up so he could tease me. I could FEEL his pout.

"Aw...you cleaned. That's no fun."

"And neither is the feeling of something sticky running out of my ass. Estupido."

"Yeah, cuss me out in spanish. it's dead sexy, senora. Especially the idea of fucking a married woman, when her husband is right there in bed with us."

"Excuse me, but did you just call me a _her_?"

"Sure did, bitch." Prussia grinned and started nipping at my thighs. I whimpered.

"C'mon, Gilbert. I'm too tired. Let me get some sleep. For god's sake I was practially a German sperm dumpster only a couple of hours ago."

"Then stop saying such things, Andy." Ludwig finally spoke, groaning. "Your voice alone is enough to tempt us. Then you come to bed in a _nightgown_..."

"So the nightgown's no good?" I asked cluelessly.

"Kesesese~."

"Shut up, bruder."

A crisp morning two months later found us at the tea shop, Prussia now hanging out at Artie's table while my cross-dressing son readied his backpack for the day, as the school term had started three weeks ago.

"I'm off, 00!" Ivan said, holdng his coat and bag. Yao stood on tiptoes to plant a kiss on Ivan's cheek.

"Me too, Mum! I'll be late, I have student council today!" Arthur informed me, letting me kiss his forehead in the secluded sanctuary of my shop. I looked over at the blonde outsider standing beside the door as she ran off the usual lists of 'DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT's.

"Be careful. Call me if anything happens."

"I will, mum." Artie promised as she joined alana and the two walked to the bus that had just pulled up.

Alfred waved at Alana enthusiastically, before turning to me with a big grin.

Ivan left the shop in high spirits, ignoring the glare that america still threw at him every morning.

"Have a good day, Ivan!" I called. Prussia jumped up and flew at me while i was distracted, but I wasn't distracted from his hand automatically groping my ass. I squealed and wheeled around to slap him before storming off in a huff. Ludwig sighed and retreated into the kitchen, Alfred going to get the coffee started up at Yao started prepping tea leaves. I switched the sign around and took my broom to sweep outside.

Just a normal day. Me and my family of units.

Fuck it all. As if any day would be considered normal. I have a pair of German lovers, one that I thought I had killed and another nearly killing me. A son that drinks vodka like water and doesn't even get drunk. A 'daughter' who was born a boy and currently being pursued by a French pervert. A honorary teen daughter who is a normal human and owner of a boisterous America unit. And me? Everyone outside my family thinks I'm a girl. I married my cousin, who everyone thought was a boy, then married a Unit from an anime.

The Demon is gone for good and the scars on my back are healing. So...I guess...

Que sera, sera. Or whatever Shigure Sohma constantly said in Fruits Basket.

END

Wow...yeah. It's over. That's it. Wait...am I the only one that finished their manual story? So...I have no idea what to do now...

I can jump on the next bandwagon, those letters thing? Nah. FUCK THAT.

Bye everybody.


	13. Epilogue

The office was tense. Eyes were on me, and I kept my own to the floor, only flinching once when the door opened. I clenched my eyes closed, fearing the worst, but opened them wide when I heard the voice and snapped my head up to take it the blue-haired figure kneeling in front of me.

"Andy, what happened? Your pretty face is all bruised up! Yo, princey-pal! What the fuck happened to my Andy!" I wanted to smirk at the sharp voice that was making the principal wince, especially when the speaker was clearly over six foot and the build of a construction worker that was used to lifting two hundred pounds of cement.

"Err...are you Andrew's guardian? I'm Mister Sharp, the principal of this school." The principal asked, staying in his seat but extending a hand to shake. "I'm sorry for calling you out of work for this, but it's procedure. Mr...?"

"Name's Kira." She told him, taking off her sunglasses to glare at him with vivid green eyes. "Now what happened to my Andy! Am I gonna have to bitch-slap some pussy's daddy?"

"Er, that's completely unnecessary...Kira. Just to let you know, Mister Rodriguez here started a little brawl with Mister Brian Duvall. I've heard his side of the story, and his parents have already collected him. Now I'm waiting for Mister Rodriguez's side of the story, but he insisted you were here as well."

"..." I looked down again, not liking the feeling I was getting from Kira. Her hand crept over and put on my head, making me lean against her with her hand stroking my head.

"Sharp, I'm telling you now. Look up his record. Does it mention ONE transgression? No, it doesn't. So now, all of a sudden, Andy is a delinquent that starts fights with the star of your fucking basketball team. Yeah, you don't need to tell me, I already know. I'm more involved in this fucking school then you know. So, what did this Duvall bitch say? All he was doing was talking to his friends, minding his own business, when Andy just attacked him out of nowhere and all he did was defend himself! FUCKING BULLSHIT!"

"Kira, please, there is no need for that kind of language!"

"Fuck you! Call this fucking kid back in here, I wanna hear his story for myself!"

"It'll take awhile, I mean, his parents also work..."

Kira growled and stood. "Call this fucking kid in, or I'm going to the police and press charges for assault, and believe me, there WILL be a full-scale invasion into this school. I trusted this institution to keep an eye on my boy, and here he is bruised up, and the fucking school wants to just punish him, when he didn't even start the fucking thing!"

I grabbed her jeans and pulled on them, directing her attention at me. "Kira...please. Can we just go home?" I asked quietly. Kira sat down slowly and scooped me up. Pretty easy when I was basically a twerp. Sixteen years old and I still look like I'm twelve.

"Mis...er...Kira. There is no need to call the police on this matter, right? It can easily be solved-"

"If you finish that sentence, you will see the full pissed-off mode. What I showed you was just Bitchy. No, Ted, it apparently can't be solved!"

"Then I'll just let Andy off with a warning and we can call it a day, alright?"

"Why me!" I asked. "Mister Sharp, do I look like I'd be picking fights with ANYONE! It started because Brian-!" I stopped and went red. My eyes were burning, threatening tears. "He...cornered me in the locker room after gym...and was bullying me...I left it alone then, then I overheard him bragging to his buddies about how he made me his bitch...then Allie went psycho and told him if he didn't shut his mouth, he'd regret it. Brian went around her and started shoving me, calling me names...and that's how it started."

"Who threw the first punch, Andy?" Kira asked. "You, or him?" I refused to make contact with her burning eyes.

"I did...but it wasn't me who started it! If he didn't start-!" I had to stop again, because my stomach was cramping up horribly. I coughed into my hand, my head hurting from the pressure.

"ANDY!" I looked over at Kira, who was staring down at my hand before picking me up and taking me out to the car. I took that moment to look down, and saw my hand was covered in blood.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel the same way._

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now._

I opened my eyes to bright lights and a white ceiling, a disheveled Kira sitting next to me filling out papers.

"Kira..." I called out, wincing from the burning that was coming from my throat.

"The police is doing a full investigation when I brought you in. Can't believe no one took your medical history into account. You have some serious bruising on your kidneys, and a rib has a hairline fracture. The kid obviously knew how to do some serious brawling, because you had too much damage then from just one schoolyard slapfight." Kira told me, not even looking up. But I did wince when I saw the pen in her hand snap in half, ink splattering everywhere. "Andy...when you leave tomorrow, it'll be to my house. You're not going back to that abusive bitch your father married."

I opened my mouth to deny what she was accusing my stepmother of, but shut it when I saw her face. One word of any of that from me could easily lead to someone's murder.

"...Did...you already get my stuff?" I asked easily. Kira nodded. I sighed, a little relieved I won't have to have a final confrontation with my stepmom. "What about school?"

"The principal, any teachers that were involved, and the fucking nurse are all under police investigation. Duvall was withdrawn from school until after the trial. He's being formally charged with assault and battery. I went for attempted murder, but it was shot down. Apparently your injuries were serious, but not life threatening. Complete and utter bullshit, but oh well. I have to leave it to the justice system, otherwise it'll be me up for trial, then I wouldn't be there to take care of you." Kira reached over and stroked my hair, moving my bangs from my face. "Andy...come to me...for everything. You don't have to rely on anyone else or just yourself. Okay?"

I nodded and succumbed to the drowsiness her stroking was doing.

_And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life. _

_Cause sooner or ever it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight. _

I awoke to someone shaking my shoulder and yelling loudly. "WAKE UP! DAMMIT ANDY!" I jerked up and threw my arms around the blue-haired woman, bawling my eyes out. The nightmares were worse than before. They wouldn't stop coming. Kira just held me in her lap like a little kid and rocked me gently, letting me cry it out. I was now eighteen years old.

"It was horrible..." I whispered, digging my face into her chest.

"I know, precioso tesoro. I know." She stood up with me in her arms and took me into the kitchen, where she sat me up on the counter easily, withdrawing a glass canter of brandy from the liquor cabinet and gave me a shotglass of it. It burned going down when I threw it back, making me cough. It felt good when it hit my stomach though. It warmed my body and I held my arms out sleepily to the bluenette. She picked me back up and took me into her room, where she laid me down, bringing the comforter up to my chin before getting in herself, allowing me to dig into her side and steal her body heat.

"Sueno pequeno el bien." She murmured, draping an arm over me.

_And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand. _

_When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am._

Kira was my entire world. If it wasn't for her, I would've been dead long ago. She was my caretaker, my guardian. My husband, my best friend. We were so happy, we didn't even know it was going all downhill. Kira never told me she was hearing that voice inside her head. The demon that was threatening to shred her mind apart. I never knew, and she never told me. It was starting to get to the point, that when I heard her name for me, it made me want to cry and hide. Away from her, towards her.

Then, the crash came. The demon succeded, and took away her body. She almost killed me. Then her eyes cleared for that brief moment, and ran out the door.

It wasn't until the police came to my door the next morning, that I got into my car and went to the hospital.

She was awake when I arrived, just her chest and leg bandaged up. She had stitches above her eyebrow and a small smile on her face. I took her hand and smiled back.

"Everything's fine now..." She promised. "I'm so sorry, precioso tesoro." I hid the chills that went down my back.

_And you can't fight the tears that aren't coming, or the moment of truth in your eyes. When everything's like in the movies, yeah, you just bleed to know you're alive. _

She lied. That bitch lied to me. Everything wasn't fine. It was a week after that that she decided she was going to order me a 'companion', so she wouldn't have to worry about me as much. He was our soon-to-be son, Ivan. He grew quickly into an adult Ivan, and wanted a family of his own. That's when Yao came, and soon after that, Arthur. It was with that the demon came back, and Kira had let it happen. The breaking point was when Ludwig came. Kira had been completely taken over, no sign of her coming back like what had happened the last time. She had lured me into a false sense of security, then literally tried to kill me with her love. Her inhuman strength, crushing my ribs with her bear hug. If Ivan and Ludwig hadn't come, I would've died. Instead, Kira did.

Kira was dead. She hadn't even reached thirty yet. She died because she loved me too much.

_And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. _

_When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. _

I'm called Andy Beillschmidt now. After the 1st anniversary of Kira's death, he proposed. I accepted his ring, and he completely understood when I insisted on keeping my ring from Kira on my middle finger, next to his. we opened up a tea shop in the square, and that's when I met Alana. She had gotten an America unit in a sweepstakes, and her father kicked her out of the house for it. He had a thing for my 'daughter' (my cross-dressing Arthur). Alana and Alfred live with us now. It helps fill the void a little more. But there will always be this gaping hole in my chest when I keep thinking 'what if'. That's when Ludwig and his brother Gilbert take me home for private time, leaving the shop in Ivan and Yao's perfectly capable hands.

_And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. _

_When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. _

"Wow...you know, when Miss Lolli told us to get the scoop on our buyer's lives, I never thought we'd find something like this!" The dark-violet haired girl sitting across the table from me looked over at a ravenette who shared the same name as my first 'husband'. They look nothing alike, so it didn't hurt as much.

"This is just too awesome. So, are you a transvestite or something? You're a dude, but you spent half your life as a woman..."

"Yeah. I guess I am, kind of." I said, cocking my head slightly. "Not exactly sure. I mean, maybe I'm just a crossdresser like Artie? I'm comfortable wearing women's clothing and acting as the wife. Lord knows with my men I can never pull off being the husband." The ravenette grinned.

"Dude, Rixka, this is awesome!"

"Thanks for meeting with us, Mrs. Beillschmidt. Can we call on you again if we have more questions?"

I nodded. "Thanks for coming. And good luck Kira, Rixka. You know where to find me!"

They waved and took off, the shop's bell tinkling after them. A blonde approached me as I stood.

"Are you alright, Andy? I know it must've been painful to talk about her..." Ludwig put a large hand on my shoulder.

"I think...it'll be alright now." I smiled up at him and kissed his jaw, really the only place I can barely reach. Damn freaky super-tall people. "Now, a lot more people will know what Kira has done for me...and how happy I am now, even when she's gone, because of what she did for me."

"You know, those two seem very familiar to me. I wonder why..." Ludwig thought, a crease coming to his eyebrow. I chuckled and reached up to rub it away.

"They're the same people that run Oblivion and Discipline. Flying Mint Bunny wouldn't come out this far, so they took over for my shipments."

"Why does that sound like a BDSM shop?"

I shrugged. "Who knows."

_I just want you to know who I am._

_I just want you to know who I am. _

_I just want you to know who I am._

Everything'll be fine...


	14. Here it goes again

Hello, everybody.

Alright, I lied. That wasn't the end.

There's more coming.

Yay.

I'm uploading the next chapter soon, I'm just having trouble deciding which unit I'm gonna bring in next. I was thinking of Bad Touch Trio, or using my own manual to bring in my version of Romania.

I have no readers left, unfortunately, so will someone please review and help me make up my mind?

Thanks,

Nitedream


	15. Chapter 13

"Fucking A, man!" America grinned as Alana walked through the door with a couple of McDonald's bags, immediantly swooping down on her, taking a bag while kissing her cheek. "You rule, Alana!"

I chuckled quietly as I laid out the Indian take-out I got for those of us who refuse to eat the grease-laden fast food. Namely: China, Russia, Germany, and Arthur. I was fine with McDonald's, considering I order the same thing everytime and have yet to tire of it.

"How was work, aru?" China asked, sitting down at the table properly, the rest of us following suit.

"The same as usual." Alana announced tiredly. Now that she was sixteen, I allowed her to start working at the cafe, trading off with China over the register. "Old biddies wondering what I'm doing living with a guy I'm not married to in my employer's house. Middle-aged men hitting on me, Ivan threatening to break bones whenever a guy gets too close to Artie, etc. etc."

I sighed. "Vanya, what did I tell you about threatening bodily harm?"

"Never follow through!" He announced proudly. I smiled and strained to reach up to pat his head. He had to stoop over, though.

"Oh, yes, Mummy, you have a few messages waiting for you on the answering machine." Arthur announced.

"Thank you, baby."

Yes, a normal family dinner (though it's rare for us to order take-out, considering there's three people who love to cook living in the house.

"Andy, there's something we need to talk about." Germany told me, Prussia craning his neck to look at me from the other side of Germany.

"What about?" I asked suspiciously, looking between him and Prussia.

"After dinner." He left no room for arguments.

"Uh oh. you guys aren't gonna start fighting again, are ya?" America asked, lowering his Big Mac somewhat.

"Depends on what Ludwig wants to talk about." I narrowed my eyes slightly.

It's true, there were plenty of times that when Germany announced that 'we needed to talk', especially when added with 'after dinner', it always leads to a massive fight that lasts over a week. Including the cold shoulder (on my part), slammed doors (Germany), whining over how unfair it was (Prussia), and general uneasiness that make sChina and Rusisa stay in there little apartment and refuse to come over until we've made up (which usually involves kicking Artie out to stay with big brothers for a couple of days). Alana and Alfred retreat themselves, to a cottage on the edge of the property, by the woods, that Germany, Russia, and America built so Alana would feel less like she was recieving charity from someone she met over her unit smashing half his shop.

"W-well, aru. It's getting late and I want to get an early start tomorrow, aru! Are you coming, Ivan?" China asked, smiling nervously.

"Da! Let's go, Yao-kun!" Russia hugged em tightly and kissed the crown of my head while Yao packed up their dinners. "Spokoinoi nochi, mama!" He said happily.

"Buenas noches, hijo. Dormir bien, miel!" I called after China, who was already doing a steady retreat.

"I'm finished, mummy. May I be excused?"

I nodded, but was interrupted by Germany's loud 'Nein'.

"Arthur, would you like to tell your mutti why the school called today?"

"What?" I looked wide-eyed at my son/daughter. "Artie, did someone try to hurt you?"

"Nein, Andy. Arthur was caught behind the gymnasium with drugs."

"It wasn't me!" Arthur insisted automatically. "I didn't want to get anywhere near it, but...!" Words failed there when tears came into being.

"Alfred, we should leave." Alana whispered and took her unit's hand, who insisted on grabbing the last of his food before they left the house quietly. Though America wouldn't leave without trying to jump in and say he'd be Artie's hero at school, since he was in his homeroom.

"Go on, bebe. What happened." I asked her, more like softly ordered.

"Kesesese! This is awesome! Finally you do something bad, GroBbritannien!" Prussia cheered, though cowed slightly with the duol glares he recieved from the proclaimed 'mother and father'.

"Why does mummy put up with you?" England scowled at the albino, who just grinned lecherously.

"Because bruder's just isn't enough when it comes to feeding your mutti. My five meters fixes her nicely~OW! Gottverdammt, Westen!"

"Seien Sie ruhig Osten!"

Prusisa sulked and muttered in German under his breath.

I raked a hand through my hair. "Bebe, madre isn't capable of too much stress at the moment. So help madre by telling her exactly what happened. Tomorrow, me and su padre will go down to the school and speak with the principal."

"We'll have to anyway. One of the messages that's waiting for you is a request from the principal for an immidiate parent-teacher conference."

"Mum, honestly, I didn't even want to go anywhere near those bloody gits! I wanted to stay in Study Hall! But Eric said that if I told, he'd spread around the school that I was a...a...argh! I thought he loved me, blast it all!" Arthur full out burst into tears.

"So this Eric bastardo threatened you. Did you...did you..."

"No, I didn't take it. I only stayed in the area with them. You taught me right, Mummy."

"Well...I'm not happy that you just let them use you like that, Artie. I really wished you called one of us to come get you immediantly."

"I'm so sorry, Mum!" Arthur sobbed. I stood and went around the table to hug the unit I'd raised, comforting him. I looked over at Germany who hadn't said a word since he told me about the parent-teacher conference.

"Ludwig, what should we do? If Artie goes back, he'll be bullied, and with this on her record, no one's going to help her. I know..."

"That's right, you got bullied alot as well, right mummy? But Uncle Kira protected you..."

I nodded mutely as Germany and Prussia stiffened, unnoticed by the younger blonde.

"Come on, bebe. Let's get you to bed. Padre, Madre, and Tio Gilbert will take care of it."

Artie nodded and left the room, going upstairs.

I sighed and slumped into my chair, rubbing my temples. "Maldita sea, why is this happening to my baby?" Arms circled around my shoulders, hugigng me to a firm chest. I looked up to see Prussia smilign down at me slightly.

"Don't worry, liebling. Everything'll be fine! Let bruder and me take care of it! You got enough to worry about!"

There was something about those eyes...

"Gilbert, what are you hiding from me?" I demanded immediantly.

"Bruder?" Ludwig voiced, confused. Cornbered, Gilbert groaned and went into the living room before coming back with two books. Both I recognized, though the obviously older one was remembered with a burning in my stomach. He opened first the newer one, Artie's yearbook for this year, opening ti to the faculty page before doing the same to my old yearbook, the same one before I transferred in the middle of the year.

"Mr. Sharp? What-how the hell is he still a principal!" I shouted.

"Here's the kicker, fraulein. Here's that little bastard Artie was talking about. He flipped through Arthur's book, stopping and pointing at 'Eric'.

"Duvall? Why does that...joder, que dio lugar a demonio!" I shouted in spanish, my grip threatening to rip the book in half. My grip relaxed before dropping the book to hide my face in my hands, attempting in vain to hide my tears.

"Andy, it was this 'Duvall', that gave that scar on your temple, isn't it?"

I nodded miserably. "I have a stomachache, i'm just going to take some medicine and hit the pillows. Will you two be coming to bed soon?"

"Yeah, we'll be there soon. Bruder and I need to clean up first." Germany sent me a small smile before dragging Prusisa into the kitchen by his collar.

"Hey1 what the hell, Westen!" Maybe I wanna keep unsere kleine Prinzessin company!" I left the two Germans by themselves, heading for our basement bedroom. There, I automatically hit the Play button on the answering machine and starting changing for bed, gulping down a little pepto bismol i swiped from the bathroom.

_"Missus Beillschmidt, this is Mister Sharp calling from Xavier High School. There was a incident at the school today that Arthur was involved in. I would like you and Mister Beillschmidt to come down tomorrow for a conference, so we can talk about Arthur's behavior. I'll be free all day tomorrow, feel free to come in anytime during school hours. Thank you and have a nice day."_

BEEP "End of message." My machine voiced. "Next message."

_"Hey, uh, Andy...I don't suppose you remember me...we went to school together. This is Brian Duvall...man, I honestly don't really know what to say. How's your cousin doing? Well, actually, I called when I found out our sons got into some trouble at school today, and I guess it's fate that it'd be OUR kids. I wanted to say something really important, but i suppose it'll mean more face-to-face. I hope you'll be able to make it to the conference tomorrow..."_

BEEP "End of message. Next message."

_Miss Nitedream, this is Rixka Mirage from Oblivion and Discipline Inc. We were going through our records, and we found a few...anomalies. Mostly about the time frame of your units. And we'd like to send you a Beta unit...One none of our customers have yet, and we'd appreciate your input as a successful owner of our Units. We sent it out yesterday, in fact, so it should be arriving tomorrow. If you have any problems, I'll give you my direct number. It's 867-5309. Feel free to call at any time. Thank you!"_

BEEP "End of messages."

"...That number sounds so goddamn familiar...must be my imagination." I murmured to myself, turning the light off before snuggling down into bed, too out of it to feel two pairs of familiar arms circle around me later that night.

"Ludwig, you think we should've woke Gilbert up? He's going to be muy enojado when he finds out we ditched him."

"This conference if between parents and the principal. Not extended family. We're Arthur's parents, so we'll deal with it. Besides, you wanted him there when your package comes in, right?"

I smiled happily. "I'm kind of excited. A new family member!"

The albino stared down at the manual the deliveryman handed over before letting out a long string of German.

"SCHEISSE! WIR SIND GEFICKT!"

He dropped the booklet and backed away a bit. Those words spelled out his and Germany's doom.

Yeah, a bit of a lackluster update for a fanfic that was supposed to already be completed, but I needed something to do, and with LolliDictator coming up with new manuals, I thought why not revive it, like Kira kept doing with her '20 Song Drabble'...if you haven't seen it yet, my new profile avatar is a pic Kira got off the internet and messed with on Paint. That purple haired girl on Axel's shoulders is supposed to be Rixka. It kind of sucks, but I wanted to change the avi.

Please look forward for the next update! It was something me and darkbeyonddeath666 agreed on. I'm already in fanfiction hell with this monstrosity, why not dig the hole a little deeper?


	16. Chapter 14

I guess this wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

Though Alana is kind of bugging me...maybe I should write her out completely? Send her to Siberia. Or Kansas.

I'm also having trouble with my own OC Unit. She refuses to be written properly, dammit. Speaking of which, the first few chapters are too freaking inconsistent. Might have to rewrite them...what a pain.Kira magically went from student to teacher in the course of two chapters...yeah, no.

Chapter 17:

"It wasn't me!"

"Yeah, no..."

...

Tis a recap.

_Is everybody listening? Once upon a time, there were a pair of distantly-related cousins named Kira and Andy. They grew up and acted like a married couple because Andy was constantly bullied by both classmates and family. One day, Kira 'accidentally' ordered some new products. One by one, Units came to live with them while Kira slowly went insane. _

_Now it's two years later, Andy and his (her?) family of Units gained two more family members along the way: Alana and her Unit, America. Now the old company that sent him (her?) Units has called on the same day his ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit, who has been posing as his and LUDWIG BEILLSCHMIDT's daughter, was caught with drugs at school with the son of the same man that man that made Andy's high school life a nightmare. The new 'family member''s arrival was left in the hands of Andy and LUDWIG BEILLSCHMIDT's other lover, GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT, who we left freaking out after reading the front of the manual, and who is now keeping himself locked in their basement bedroom._

Everyone caught up now? Though you'd could easily find out what happened by reading the past chapters...

Andy looked back when he felt a chill running down his spine, hands slightly tensing on the steering wheel.

"What's wrong, Andy?" Ludwig asked, looking over at the shorter male.

"It was nothing. Just nervous that after all these years, I STILL have to deal with those bastards...though I'm having fun thinking of the look on their faces when I'm introduced as MISSES Beillschmidt. Though there's a reason I'm wearing a skirt...

Ludwig's cheeks went slightly red. "You look...nice, today. Red is very...you."

I grinned at the awkwardness the German exuded. The man could use some tutoring from Francis on romance. He was a gentlemen, yeah, but he didn't have a romantic bone in his body. Was kind of sad, sometimes. Then I'd slap myself for acting like such a girl.

Yeah, I'm a walking contradictory.

We'd pulled up to the school and I reached through my memory of where the office was. Suprisingly, we made it without getting lost.

The receptionist, who I was kind of glad to see changed since I went to school, told us to sit while she went to tell Mister Sharp we'd arrived. We had just arrived when another man entered the room, his name making me stiffen slightly, even if I knew he was going to be here.

He turned and sat down next to me, leaning slightly as he was nervously twiddling with a carnation he was carrying for some reason. He turned towards us slightly with a nervous smile.

"How's it going? Your kid get in trouble too?"

I rwached over and took Ludwig's sleeve, the gesture going unnoticed by the other man. Ludwig nodded stiffly to his question, not knowing who he was.

"Yes. Arthur and another child were caught with illegal substances. We came to get it straightened out."

"Huh? So you're Arthur's parents? Name's Brian Duvall. I'm Eric's father." He held his hand out, Ludwig shaking it, and judging by Brian's wincing, was squeezing it more tightly than was necessary. "It's nice to meet you, Mister Beillschmidt. Oh man, how embarassing. Sorry, I left that message on your answering machine, thinking you were my old classmate...I'm really sorry about that..."

"I believe you left that message for Andrew Nitedream." Ludwig stated. "Who you've ignored this entire time. Though I don't blame him." Brian started at this and looked beside Ludwig, directly at me. He took a step forward when I forged up the courage to look up at him.

"Hola, Brian."

"Holy-Andy? Wow...so, what? Are you...Missus Beillschmidt? I mean, you were a guy back in high school, so..."

"I'm still a man. I'm just also a mother and wife." Brian raked back his hair nervously.

"Oh, jeez. Wow...I mean, sorry, Andy. You just threw me through a loop slightly. OH! This is for you!" He held out the red carnation nervously. "I wanted to tell you...I'm really, really sorry what I put you through back in high school. I was a jerk, and retarded. And now my kid is getting your kid into trouble, and it just drudged up all those memories, from the police, to courts, finding out your cousin transferred you out of school and out of your parent's house...you look good for our age." He grinned nervously. "Actually, you barely look like you aged at all. Did you find that magic spring you kept going on about back in English? Like in _Tuck Everlasting_?"

I looked at him wide-eyed, stunned. "You remember that? That was almost twenty years ago. I barely remember what all happened in school."

"Yeah, well, like I said, I was a menace on steroids. I wanted you to notice me, but not have my friends laugh at me for it. Do you at least remember when you had to tutor me back in ninth grade for Spanish?"

I narrowed my eyes while he chuckled slightly in embarassment.

"I remember you spiking my lemonade with your father's vodka. After that I prefer to NEVER remember. Like that day that ruined all chances of me graduating from here." Brian froze when Ludwig stood straight up in all his 6'1 glory, towering over Brian by at least two inches.

"Ludwig, don't cause a scene. It was the past." I told him firmly, leaving no room for argument, but the German continued to stand. He was aaved by the secretary standing up and approaching us.

"Mister and Missus Beillschmidt? Mister Duvall? Mister Sharp will see you now." She said, acting as if the big, scary, German mofo wasn't about to pound the scrawny brunet male into dirt.

I like this one.

Ludwig lead the way into the office, his arm possessively around my waist.

"Ah, Brian! Great to see you again! How's the team looking this year?"

"Honestly, last year's was WAY better." Brian smiled good-naturedly before turning to me to answer my confused face. "I'm assistant coach for the brother college's football team here. I'm next in line for Head Coach when the current one finally retires. He says this'll be his last season, but we'll see."

"I see you've already become aquaintances!" Mister Sharp said a little too happily, then peered at me over his glasses. "Missus Beillschmidt, if I may be so bold as to say you look extremely familiar. Were you a student here as well?"

I sighed and nodded. "Yes, before my guardian transferred me out following some...unpleasantness here at the school and a long hospital stay. Andy Rodriguez."

The prinicpal's face automatically blanched before he turned and started patting his sweating forehead with a hankerchief. "I see...yes, Andy...how's Kira? And how long have you and Mister Beillschmidt been married?"

"Kira's...dead, sir. Hunting accident three years ago. Me and Ludwig married a few months afterwards. Now if we could talk about Artie and Eric...?" I prompted.

"Yes, yes...please take a seat...and I'm sorry for your loss. Kira was certainly...original..."

"Thank you, Mister Sharp." I sat down off to the side, Ludwig seperating me from Brian.

"Alright then. As you know, we are a drug-free learning environment. A leader in churning out successful and accomplished students. So for marijuana to come within 50 feet of this school is appalling enough without a teacher discovering 4-5 students actually USING it, not only on school property, but during school hours. So it stands to reason, the 14-day suspension was put into place to not only have the student priortize their life, but allow the school a slight breather while we do a hard sweep of the school to make sure no one else is using this incident as cover for their own misdeeds-" Ludwig held up his hand to cut off his rambling.

"Mister Sharp, while I understand where you coming from with this, it looks as if you are just hitting Arthur and Eric with this, when you said so yourself there were four or five students. And for so many to be suspended at one, is unpractical. In the case of our son, I prsonally checked him for drugs. And when we talked about it, Arthur said she just accompanied them on threat of bullying. I'm not sure what you're teaching your students, but it's clear you play favorites. You did such a mistake to obviously pick sides before, and remedying that by punishing the group as a whole instead of reviewing the facts."

"No to mention, you picked a convient time to throw my child out of school. Midterms are next week and if Artie can't make it, how is she supposed to pass the grade? During the make-ups? The grade of those are only half of the actual midterms. He'd have to score to constantly score a 96 for the entire year to get by with a 72 for the final grades." I pointed out, frowning darkly.

"Mister Beillschmidt, I'm sure you've heard some horror stories from your wife over how I run my school, but to be quite honest, the teacher who found the group was only able to identify Arthur and Eric, as she makes no move to have anything to do with the upperclassmen. Which is why we need to do a sweep of the school, may even have to call in a K-9 unit. It was Eric's word against Arthur's over the blame. By all rights, it should've been Arthur to take the blame, considering he has quite a record with us, not only that, but the drug in question was, in fact, in his hand when Missus Campbell found them."

I face-palmed. "Oh god. Please don't tell me it's the same Missus Campbell I had for ninth grade AP Chem..."

"The one and the same, MISSUS Beillschmidt. Now reviewing the facts, I believe we can come into agreement over the punishment?"

"I completely disagree." Me and another voice stated simultaneously. I looked over at Brian, startled.

"Mister Sharp, Missus Campbell is blind as a bat. Mister Beilslchmidt wasn't the only one who tested their kid. Eric doesn't have a record here, but he certainly has one at home. I met this Arthur kid, Eric pointed him out then when he came over to talk to one of my players. Out-spoken, easily mistakened for a girl. And opinionated as all get out. Education is everything to him. so I'm pretty damn sure he was only because Eric threatened him. So I call for shortening Artie's sentence to 3-days, because no matter what, he still should've gone to a teacher. But Eric will be spending his nice 14-day break from school in intensive training."

"Well...I suppose that sounds reasonable...Mister and...er...Missus Beillschmidt?"

"Sounds fine." Ludwig nodded. I gave a small smile when Brian threw a full-out grin my way.

"Well, that was fun!" Brian said, stretching as we adjourned to the parking lot. "Well, I'm really sorry for what Eric did to your kid, Andy. Sounds kind of familiar, didn't it? Like father, like son, right?"

"I really hope not." I frowned while Brian scratched the back of his neck, uncomfortable with my glare.

"Don't worry, I really do plan on putting my boy through an EXTENSIVE punishment."

"I hope it taxes his very soul to the point he realizes he's gonna lose a good person to another if he doesn't stop fucking up." I stated before Ludwig lead me away to the car, opening my door for me before climbing in himself.

"Bruder? We're home!" Germany called out. I walked into the living room, stopping short whne I saw what was once a crate was slashed into pices, along with the furniture nearby. There was also a hole in the wall.

"Ludwig! Find Gilbert! He might be hurt!" I called out worriedly, heading upstairs and searching through all the rooms before peeking into the attic, finding nothing. I hurried downstairs and headed for the basement, where I saw the door swinging freely, slash marks like what opened the crate ingrained in the wood. I stopped short when I saw Ludwig was in a staring contest with a ravenette, red-eyed woman sitting on my bed, a long reaper's scythe resting against the nightstand. Behind her was a unconsious Prussia. It was the new arrival that broke the silence.

"Buna ziua, Germania." She greeted.

**Please don't hate me. I know this was a shitty chapter, and I stopped it just when we finally got to a new unit. **

**Just so you all know, I get everything from Google Translate, except for the Spanish. That's all me right there :)**

**Hope you enjoyed, the next chapter will be soon!**


	17. Chapter 15

**Arg...yeah, I feel like shit. FML.**

**ROMANIA REFUSES TO BE WRITTEN PROPERLY! Is it the sign of a suck-ass writer to not be able to keep your own OCs in character? OTL**

**Oh, and I've been fucking hacked and I'm not happy about it :( I WILL find out who hacked me. And their shit's gonna get BLOWN UP :( I had everything backed up on flash drives, but it shreded my computer. I had to completely reboot it, and it seems my ethernet drive went missing. I'm currently uploading this at my local library. There's a lot of old people here...**

**Enjoy the chapter, anyway. **

Chapter 18:

"What the hell..."

*facepalm*

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Ludwig was the first to look away in the staring contest, his voice slightly gruff when he introduced us.

"Andy, this is Alina Dogaru, also known as Rumania. Miss Alina, this is Andy..."

The ravenette nodded her head to me while I smiled.

"Great! We have an actual girl besides Alana in the family now! So, Miss Alina, why is Gil unconsious?"

"...I woke up to his cursing in German and mistook him for _Germania_." She replied evenly. "If you can't tell, I and _Germania_ aren't exactly good friends."

"No we're not." Germany agreed, sighing slightly. "Though it is not without regret."

"Hold on..." I said distracted, going to my small bookcase to grab one of Kira's old lesson plans on World War 2. "Isn't it because Germany took away Transylvania from Romania and gave it to Hungary?" I asked, confused. "Miss Alina, are you still angry at Russia too? Considering Vanya IS my son...along with Arthur and Yao...oh yeah, there's also a girl here that I took in, Alana, she has Alfred..."

"Quite an extensive family." Romania noted. I nodded with pride and replaced the stapled booklet back in its place. "_Germania _and _Prusia_ will have a hard time for sure, should you ever get Antonio. You have Spanish blood yourself, right?"

My cheeks went a bit red at the thought of Spain coming to my house. Dat ass~~*drool*

I shook myself out of my fantasy and sighed, Ludwig giving me a strange look. Romania was looking TOO amused to be normal. Maybe because it would hurt Ludwig if I went after another man while he was here, simply because we could understand each other. He was the possessive type without a doubt. Most of the time he didn't even want to share me with Gilbert.

"I highly doubt I'll be getting Spain anytime soon." I chuckled slightly. "Well, anyway, welcome to the family, Alina. Have you already chosen a bedroom and eaten?"

She nodded and stood up fluidly, striding past Ludwig without a glance and going upstairs. A groan caught my attention as Prusisa sat up, holding his head.

"Ugh, god, I feel like a frying pan slammed against my head. Is Hungary here?"

"Not quite, bruder. Miss Romania is here." Germany told him as I sat next to him on the bed and layed his aching head on my lap so I could rub his sore temple. He grinned, a bit of blood coming from his nose.

I sighed. "Gilbert, calm d-EEP!" I squeaked when he shot up quickly, grabbing my waist and throwing me against the bed in a quick procession. I opened my eyes to see him leaning over my sprawled body. The blood had magically disappeared from his nose.

"Now, now Liebling~ It's been too long since you last took care of my five meters~"

I gulped as I watched him take a finger of his glove in his teeth and pull it off. I shoved him off at that and stood straight up.

"I'm not in the mood right now, Gilbert! Okay? Okay, I'm going to go check on Artie!" I made for the stairs, going up them as fast as I could, leaving the German brothers alone.

Without warning I grabbed Romania by the scruff of her shirt and dragged her out of the house with me, fully intent on taking her to the shop.

"Vanya, Artie, Yao! Look who's here!" I announced, a little too cheerfully, as I shoved Romania into the shop. There was a slight ruckus over the sight of her, several small children started crying and I'm pretty sure I heard some praying from a group of nuns nearby. Wonder why...

"Comrade Ruminiya~!" Russia greeted happily.

"Xiao meimei!" China came over to hug the ravenette, a huge smile on his face. "I'm so happy to see you! Did you just arrive?"

Romania shook her head. "This morning, I was with Prusia...I thought he was Germany when he was yelling outside my box and attacked him..."

"Oh, well, he's been through worse, I'm sure. Come, come, let me show you around!" And with that, the newest member of our family was whisked away, leaving me blinking slowly.

"Mummy? Did you just get back from the school?" Artie asked, looking up from his book.

I smiled and sat down across from him.

"Not too long ago. Anyway, Your Vati and I talked to Mister Sharp, and your suspension was shortened to 3 days. You'll be able to get back in time for the beginning of your tests. Unfortunately, Eric won't be coming back for another couple of weeks."

"Oh...okay, then." Artie looked a little down at that, worrying me slightly.

"Artie? Is there something you're not telling me, bebe?" I asked, leaning my head so I could look at his turned down face, one slightly tanned hand clasping his slim, pale one.

"It's nothing, Mummy...I'm just worried about Eric. This is the first time he started acting like this to me...that's why I went to talk to Alfred the other day during his football practice. Alfred hangs out with Eric afterschool when he goes over to the college to wait for his dad to finish with the team and he says Eric actis normally around him, and everybody else. I don't understand, Mummy. Did I do something wrong?" Arthur's lower lip started trembling and i moved quickly to grab his arm and cart him off into the kitchen, sure he'd hate me and himself I let him cry out in the open. There, he took my blouse into his frail fists and cried, wetting down my front. I sighed and held him, waiting for it to stop while making shushing noises.

"Arthur, it's not you. Unfortunately, his father and i were the same as you and Eric. Then he started hurting me, but like a fool I stuck by him. Then one day, he hurt me so bad I had to go to the hospital. I left school and came to live with...anyway, I think it's best off you stay away from Eric until he grows up a little. It's peer pressure, something you and I are immune to except when it comes to the damn Duvall boys. It's a disease, I swear..."

"So...me and Eric aren't to be around each other anymore? But he and I are partners in several of our classes, what about then?"

Uh oh...okay, Andy, think. Should've nipped this in the bud LONG ago.

"Ask the teacher if you could switch, or work on your own. I'm sure you can handle it, right? If you can't me or your Vati could help you..."

"No! No, it's fine, mummy. Thank you..." He seperated himself from me and wiped his eyes. I took out my hankerchief for him to blow his nose, which he took gratefully.

"I should get going, Mum. I'm going to Cory Martin's house to study for midterms. Mister Gregovitch's History final is promised to be a real tough one." He smiled and skirted around me and out the door quickly. I sighed and followed him, intent on going home and resting for a little while. I'm feeling more drained then usual.

**Sorry for the short chapter. I'm putting all my leftover energy into the last couple of chapters, which I promise is going to be a real kicker. As in, I'm constantly kicking myself for doing this. I was thinking of writing a lovely lemon between our beloved Germans and the lovely little latin girly-boy to add to the length, but decided against it, basically because I'm just not in a smut-writing mood. Sorry if i disappointed anyone who enjoys the failure that is my writing.**


	18. Chapter 16

"Here's your drink, sorry for the wait Miss Shannon." I smiled at the old woman sitting by the window.

"It's no trouble, Missus Beilschmidt. Your tea is always worth the wait." Miss Shannon returned the smile before setting into her tea with a prim but delighted air. I just returned to the kitchen and opened my mouth to ask Ludwig the same question i've been trying to ask all week, but was distracted by music blasting from my pocket, the chorus of 'Beautiful' by Eminem. Ludwig raised his eyebrow at me before returning to washing the tea services that were used that day.

"Hola, this is Andy." I answered. It was silent on the other end. "Hello?" I tried again.

"_Andrew, Andrea, Andy...Don't run, don't hide. I'm coming for you._" I heard the dial tone a second later.

"What...?" I hit end and checked for the number that called me. Restricted. My phone vibrated after that with a new text.

'Opposite, yet the same. Your light, and your darkness. you think I had gone, but I've returned. Would you like another clue before your death? Christmas a decade ago, go to the front desk and ask for a key to Room 301.'

Again, the number was Restricted. No signature, no callback number, and everytime I tried to text back, it bounced. Should I tell the others? No...

Telling them...they could be in danger. They'll worry. But how to shake off Germany and Russia...?

"What the hell is going on?" I murmured.

"Is there something wrong, Andy?" Ludwig asked, concerned. I shook my head and grinned like a fool when he kissed my forehead. I take joy in his showing me more affection than he ever did Italy.

"It's nothing, it was a wrong number. Happens all the time." I waved my hand flippantly.

"If it happens all the time then maybe you should change your number...?" He trailed off when he saw me giving him 'The Eye'.

That night, we had all gathered together for dinner. I rehearsed it in my head over and over...

"You guys, I need to go out of town for the day...I'll be taking the bike, so don't bother asking if you could tag along."

"Where will you be going, 00?" Ivan asked, reaching for the plate of biscuits.

"I ordered something really fragile, and I don't trust the post office here. It's just the next town over, I'll be back before nightfall." I smiled and asked Romania to pass the potatoes.

I wasn't paying attention when Ludwig looked at me weirdly from his place at the head of the table, next to me, then trade looks with a suspecting Prussian on the other side of me and Arthur.

"What'd you order, _liebling_!" Prussia asked loudly, grinning his head off.

"A home castrating kit. You want to try it out when I get back?" I asked innocently, enjoying the squeak he gave off. Ivan shuddered.

"That's just evil, 00." He frowned. I shrugged.

It was bright and early the next day when i left, placing a kiss on the two Germans still asleep in my bed. (How did I manage to actually wake up before Germany!) I'm sure the revving of my bike woke him though as I tore down the driveway and out on the county road, heading for the nearby county seat.

That's where the clues told me to head, anyway. Ten years ago, Ki...my special person...took me to a hotel to spend Christmas away from my stepmother from hell. It's wasn't too far, just far enough that we could run and run back before anyone noticed (or even cared) I was gone. Parkview Hotel, I parked on the street in front and ran in, getting several disapproving glares from elite bussinesspeople and other society somebodys. I made a beeline for the front desk where I had to call for the recieptionisyt a dozen times before she turned from the conversation she was having with 'Sally' on her cell phone.

"Yes, MISS? May I HELP you?" She hissed (politely, of course, can't offend the well-to-do guests, after all. Fucking bitch.)

"_Si_, MA'AM. I was told you had a key waiting for me for room 301?" I growled, narrowing my burning eyes at her. She paled immediantly, puzzling the hell out of me.

"OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY, YOUR HIGHNESS. You just threw me off, I mean, of course, you probably just dress like a normal person so you don't get swarmed by papparazzi and government, I apologize completely! Please, enjoy your stay!" She handed me a key card and a official Parkview Hotel booklet, showcasing all the luxuries they had to offer, and even a personal room service number. With the booklet was an embossed card, welcoming 'Princess Andrea Rodriguez' to the 'prestigious' Parkview Hotel. I'll make sure to give them a negative ten on the survey...(insert self-righteous-but-still-evil chuckle here)

I sighed as I entered the room and saw it looked perfectly normal. What the hell was going on anyway? What the hell was I thinking? It could've just been some nut that wants to rape and kill me. Okay, so that nut sounded a little bit like...HER...my throat tightened. I sat on the bed to calm my breathing some, looking around the room. There was nothing to be deemed unusual...unless you count that big-ass sandwich board that's hooked on top of the TV. (sweatdrop) taped to it was a card with the front of it decorated with a hand-drawn tombstone.

'Have you found out yet? Watching you, I know I'm not forgotten, but I shouldn't be replaced. Loved, Hated, Unknown but known. I am called Angel, Demon, Nothing, Everything. The next clue is in front of your face when you look out the window of your basement prison. Can you find it before my replacement does? Tick tock, death is waiting.'

"Okay, so you're watching me, then! Who are you! What do you want with me!" I yelled angrily, smacking the lamp off the bedside table. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I crumbled the note in my fist before stomping out the room and out the hotel, ignoring several of the workers as I threw the keycard on the front desk. I know its dangerous to drive a motorcycle in the state I'm in, but I have to get to the next clue. My head and heart was racing. Seen from the window of my basement prison. Who did it was Loved and Hated. Who did it was Unknown, but known. That didn't even make sense! Was it just there to throw me off or because it sounded poetic or some shit like that! Whoever it is, was apparently already in my life, but was replaced. Ivan? He was replaced as the baby of the family, but if he had a problem, he'd tell me right off the bat. Brian? I hadn't talked to him in years, but the timing was right. I don't know if he'd do something like THIS, though.

By the time I parked in the driveway, I was nowhere closer to solving the puzzle than when I started. Though I did recall Tick Tock being the title of a Dean Koontz book. That was really good, though I prefer Tears of a Dragon, particularly in the beginning when they tracked down a criminal in some resturant who only talked in Elvis song titles, with a few slip-ups of other artists...

WAIT GET BACK ON TRACK ANDY!

I sighed, looking to the back of the property absently, where the graveyard stood.

Hold on a moment...

I climbed off the Honda and walked towards the door, then around the porch to where the basement would be, then located the little window that peeked just above the ground. I turned my back on it and saw it looked towards the woods, as well as a side of the graveyard.

"It wouldn't..." I murmured, trekking to the graveyard, steppoing over the low wall, watching my step to avoid the small stepping-stone plaques that sat there for past family members. I kept looking back to make sure I was still in sight of my window, checking over every grave I'd be able to see from the basement.

What I didn't see, was a head of black hair crouching down in prayer near the small altar in the middle that I always went to during Christmas and The Day Of The Dead.

So I nearly jumped out of my skin when a felt a hand grab my shoulder. I squeaked and turned quickly, nearly falling over a short tombstone if the same hand hadn't grab my arma dn yanked me back upright.

"Romania? Sorry, you really scared me!" I smiled nervously, just now realizing how her eye color reminded me of blood, unlike Gilbert's which made me think of rubies.

She frowned. "You can call me Alina, now. I am part of the family, correct? Gilbert told me..."

"Right! Sorry, it's just that, I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to you since you got here. Everyone's been keeping you all to themselves. Speaking of which, why are you out here alone?"

"Why are you? What _Germania_ and _Rusia_ say, it's as if you try to AVOID what causes you pain, not seek it. It will hurt more in the end, to lock it away inside your heart, then let it release." She put a hand on her chest to empathise. I nodded slowly.

"Yeah, but I'm looking for something..." I looked back between my window and what left of the graveyyard I have to search. I was getting to close... Romania followed my gaze before reaching into her breast pocket to hand me an envelope. Addressed to me, with several dirt stains littering it.

"I was tending the graves and found it. I do not know why it would be here, or who left it, but it seems to be what you were looking for, correct?"

I nodded quickly. "Yes, I think so. Thanks, Alina..." I smiled and waited until she wandered off before opening it. Inside was a shiny black rock, most likely to weigh down the letter so it wouldn't blow away.

"Alright, you sick sonnuvabitch. Give me all you got." I growled, almost tearing the letter when I opened it viciously.

'Three little words is all it takes, to mend your heart, then break it, over and over and over. Think of your favorite song. The one by that Christian band you love, The Last Night by Skillet. Let me recite what I want you to remember _I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go, I'm everything you want me to be. _I wasn't able to fulfil my promise, will you ever forgive me? It will change soon, I promise. So do you know who I am? Think carefully, lass. And recall, before you go back into the house. The nightmare of your death is waiting inside.'

A grating sound came from nearby, scaring me, when I saw it was Romania breaking a metal scythe from a crying angel's grip, the same one that stood guard over Abuela's grave.

"Alina, what are you-!" I yelled at her, but jumped back and hid behind a pillar as she swung it at a tomstone that marked a distant and forgotten cousin's grave. I saw her shoulders shaking.

"The letters you recieved. Have they told you nothing?" She growled at me, her accent strangling the words. "I was worried, so went ahead to make sure you would not be harmed. When I returned yesterday, I demanded from Gilbert who this 'Kira' was. He told me of this _monstru_ she possessed, and how when _Germania_ saw Gilbert's manual, but no _Prusia_ in sight, it was as if, to YOU, the _monstru_ had taken _Germania's _mind and tried to kill you. You would kill _Prusia_ for spilling your PRECIOUS coffee, but nothing when _Germania _spilled your BLOOD! Are you simple! Must you be committed! What I spoke of, the pain you kept for your beloved KIRA in your heart, instead of releasing it, it was the _monstru_ that you so greatly fear that you kept! You let your love slip, but kept the hate!"

"I don't understand, Romania! What are you talking about!"

"_Dumnezeul meu_, you are simple. The _monstru_ has entered your beloved family's hearts! Inside, they wait. They wait to finish the job it began with Kira."

My phone went off, showcasing Alana as the caller ID. I entered, trying to mask the panic from Romania's words in my voice, but a loud scream came before I could speak. The panic came full out.

"Alana! What's the matter! What's happening!"

"Andy, help! It's Alfred! It's everyone! They just started going crazy! I'm locked in the bathroom, but their trying to tear the door down! It was dead silent for a moment except for Alana's heavy breathing. Finally, a large explosion came from over the phone and from the southwest corner of the house, where the bathroom leading off the kitchen was.

"ALANA!"

**Oh shit. Actually, this chapter was kind of hard to write...but I already had the plot mostly written out except the actual writing, so I did my best to suck it up and keep going. I already had it going, and it was all I could think of to end this story properly. And i mean END IT, end it. Not leave an open ending like the last time I supposedly 'finished' this story. And just so you know, I WAS listening to 'The Last Night' by Skillet, 'Alone I Break' by Korn, and 'Breaking The Habit' by Linkin Park while I was writing this. Yeah, my playlist is really morbid...**

**Please review. I'm relying on you on how this story reaches its end.**


	19. Chapter 17

**Not much longer now...**

**I actually have an idea for another Manual story, but I highly doubt it'll go anywhere. Haha, even though I already have three chapters written, which is more than what half of the stories posted even consist of after being abandoned.**

**OveractiveTriggerFinger, I hope you see this! You promised regular updates over the summer, not a two-month hiatus! :( FUA, **_**From Tetris to Family **_**is epic :) I think it might actually be my favorite manual story, next to EliteKessu's **_**Why Me?**_**. Though Mitsuki Horenake's **_**Not Another Manual Fic**_** is pretty fucking awesome too.**

**Alright, I'm done pimping other's stories, now to actually write mine.**

...

"ALANA!" Without thinking, I started to run for the house just as another explosion rocked the same corner of the house, but was tackled to the ground.

"Stop, Andy! Do you want to die!" Romania demanded. I struggled out from under her, throwing a sharp elbow that felt like it collided with her collarbone. A hiss of pain and I managed to escape long enough to make a break for the door, the ravenette not far behind.

Smoke billowed out the open door, everything silent except the sound of raging flames slowly eating away at my kitchen and the bathroom. I came as close as I dared until I was certain Alana was in there, dropping close to the ground where the air was still clear enough to see. It only took three seconds before I'm reeling back, trying not to throw up at the sight of a hand free from a body. A painfully familiar young woman's hand, green nail-polish blistering away from the extreme heat. A hand grabbed my shoulder, than covered my hand when I almost screamed.

"Greetings, love. I missed ye while I was gone." I looked over my shoulder, scared to see if it was who the voice belonged to. Acid green eyes and shaggy blonde hair. Earrings, a red waistcoat, and eyepatch...

"Captain Kirkland..." I greeted lowly, trying to stay somewhat calm.

"Glad to see I've not been forgotten. Now, there are some fellows here that wish to see ye, as well. come along." He lifted me to my feet with no problem and carted me to the living room, where the family sat around the room. Everyone, from Ludwig and Gilbert, to Alfred and my Arthur, Ivan and Yao. Eyes burning red, staring straight ahead, though Alfred and Gilbert were fidgeting slightly.

"Look who has decided to return." Pirate!England announced gleefully. "Lass, I believe you know everyone? I indeed hope so, as you've called them family for years now...well, I want to reintroduce you. Because, ye remember that trifle little temper your dear cousin had.?" He cackled slightly at that. "It seems, it is not rotting with her bones."

I gritted my teeth and ripped my arm from his laxed grip. "What would you know, you reject! You lasted two hours in this house, and most of it was unconsious from being smacked with a hot frying pan!"

That earned me a backhand across the face that nearly knocked me over. Not even Ivan twitched at the sight. Did I really lose them? I didn't want to ask...I was scared of the answer.

"What do you WANT with me! My death! Is my existence fucking up the balance of nature! Tell me! If all of you ARE infected with that fucking demon, what is it you want! Is it not enough Kira and Alana are gone!"

I was choking on a sob that was frozen in my throat.

I stood there with burning eyes as Ivan stood up and walked over.

I straightened my back and stared at him in the eye.

He lifted his pipe over his head.

"You will always be my son, Ivan..."

His pipe came down.

A screech sounded from above me as the pipe hit a crescent of metal that came from nowhere.

"_Rusia_, you have never raised a hand to your sisters, why would you raise one to your mother?" Romania seethed.

"Hm? You, you're Romania. What are you doing here?" Captain Kirkland demanded.

"I was sent when the boss read that report the Mirage twins wrote for the company. Instead of causing panic by recalling the units, I was sent to keep peace. It seems I failed my mission."

"You sure as bloody hell did, lass." Captian Kirkland grinned as he withdrew his cutlass, stalking stradily towards me adn Romania, who had pushed me behind her. Unfortunately, we were backed into the middle of the room, leaving ym unprotected back to half the units, which neither of us realized until I felt a sharp, stinging pain slice across it. I turned quickly, feeling the strips of my shirt flutter and the air sting the wound, to see Ludwig standing nearby with a whip. I feel to the ground with a cry when a sharp pain, like a stab wounded, erupted from my kneecaps to see a arrow sticking from it, my Artie wielding the bow.

I was too lost in the pain to listen as Alina cursed, shouting something and Captain Kirkland answer snarkily back.

"Don't hold back, lads!" Captain Kirkland commanded. I whimpered and closed my eyes tight, waiting for a painful and merciless death. After a full minute, I opened my eyes, to be startled by the close proximity of a pair of blood-red ones, the same color as the substance dripping from her lips. The same lips that mouthed something to me before her eyes went blank and she fell over, unmoving.

"A...Alina?" I murmured, shaking her slightly. I turned when I heard Captain Kirkland laugh.

"How precious! Instead of watching yet another owner die, she sacrificed herself!"

I grit my teeth and stood slowly, doing my best to put as little weight as I could on my injured leg, adrenaline numbing the pain as I used her dropped scythe as a cane, then held it like a baseball bat, waiting for the madman to stop laughing.

"I'm finished the job Kira started." I growled and swung, watching with a sickening satisfaction as his head flew off and hit the wall with a CRUNCH. The units I once called my family dropped one by one, eyes blank from deactivation. I turned to see two familiar faces.

"C'mon Rixka. We got a clean-up to do." Sighed the ravenette girl, holding a remote control that I guess was the reason they deactivated.

"God, this sucks. This is what happens when we don't screen the customers and match compatibilities! Did I tell you! I'm pretty damn sure I told you...!" The violette ranted as she pushed a button behind Ivan's ear, the top of his head popping open like a trashcan lid, whistling as she peeked inside.

Kira Mirage sighed. "Yes, you told me. But we have no jurisdiction in that sector. We're just the follow-up and clean-up crew."

By then, I had crumpled back to the ground without them noticing. Or not caring. I never could tell from those two. They seemed so familiar though...that though train crashed when Rixka leaned over me, snapping her fingers in my face.

"Yeah?" I asked numbly.

"Listen, Andy. Just so you know, there's no reactivating your units. The circuits are fried to hell. You have a decaptated unit, a murdered one, and a human in pieces in your bathroom. Your bleeding to death, so even if the ambulance took you to the hospital right this very second, you're not gonna make it. So right now, you need to make a choice. Take your chances, and if you succeed, restart your life in the Flying Mint Bunny Relocation Program, or die in this house with your units, quick and easy, with no questions asked."

Kira walked over and looked down at us, no emotion on her face. "And just so you know, this place is gonna blow in 5 minutes anyway, so you REALLY don't have any time to think about it."

I sighed, then started laughing. I really think I lost it, and with no thinking, gave them my answer.

I had them move me to Kira's room, and place the bomb on the shelf in the living room, just on the other side of the wall to Kira's room. I coughed slightly from the clouds of dust that puffed up. And also by my request, asked them to move Ivan and Artie to lay on either side of me. My babies, well, the ones I raised from babies.

Little Russia in a ushanka, his first meal in this house was a simple omelet. Artie, mostly cared for by Ivan and Yao, used to help bring me and Ludwig together.

"25 seconds!" I heard Rixka call out, presumably to her twin, and the front door slammed shut.

Silence...

tick

Gilbert...

tick

Ivan...

tick

Yao...

tick

Artie...

tick

Ludwig...

tick

Alfred...

tick

Alana...

tick

Alina...

tick

A tear fell from my closed eyes, straining to tighten my weakening grip on my babies.

Kira...

tick

tick

tick

I'm sorry...

TickTock

_**The End**_

...0.0.

**Yep. The End. Everyone died. Including me. Yeah, i killed myself off just to finish this monster. RAAAA **

**Yeah, this is why I avoid energy drinks.**

**And whiskey.**

**Red bull with a shot of whiskey.**

**While listening to Skillet and Disturbed.**

**DON'T DO IT.**

**Bye.**


	20. REWRITE!

Yeah, I'm going to rewrite this piece of crap. I'm not happy with it for a number of reasons. Mostly because the beginning doesn't match up with the rest of it, and then I don't think I put in enough drama with PsychoKira and the GermanyxAndyxBrian triangle. Need more flashbacks of Andy and Brian! And maybe some more of this demon that invaded everybody's heads...I doubt it though. I'll just leave that as a mystery or something. Does it really need to be explained? It's a DEMON. From HELL. Sent to have EVERYONE I LOVE KILL ME.

And judging by the ending, I think it worked. Just so everyone knows, I'm keeping the ending. Yeah, sorry. Or not. I'll let you know when I make up my mind.

Why am I spouting off my plans for the rewrite? orz

That, and rereading it just flat out pisses me off. I swear I must've been drunk or something when I was writing this, the grammar half the time is that fucked up (to me anyway).

So, to those of you who liked it as it was, sorry. I'm not happy with this abomination.

And just to clarify, how many people even liked Romania? I did make her manual myself, so it's just my natural arrogance shining through with her. And others planning to or already are writing manual fics, she is free to use. If you can, just let me know if you do, so I can read your story. I promise to review :D

Once I get my blueberry scones out of the oven, I'll get right to working on the rewrite.

Bye.


	21. Alternate Chapter 8

PLEASE READ THIS. THAT'S WHY IT'S IN CAPS!

THIS IS AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE STEMMING OFF CHAPTER 8. IN THIS TIMELINE, KIRA IS STILL ALIVE AND WILL REMAIN ALIVE THROUGH TO THE END. MEANING I'LL EVEN BE CHANGING THE ENDING. IF NOT EXTENDING IT COMPLETELY.

I REPEAT: KIRA IS ALIVE THROUGH THIS TIMELINE.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Chapter 8:

"...What the fuck?"

"You are mine, luv. So don't get any ideas."

...0.0.0

A dull thud reached my ears from my open bedroom door.

"IVAN, ARU!" Yao shouted. I stood up and went up the stairs quietly, meeting the eyes of a certain now-blonde butch. Yao was on the floor with Ivan's head in his lap as he tried to stem a flow of blood from his head.

"What the hell?" I yelled, slamming the door open the rest of the way. "KIRA! What the fuck did you DO?" I yelled, trying to get Ivan off the floor with help from Yao. "Are you trying to kill our son?"

"...Yes..." Oh shit. Goosebumps appeared on my arms from the tone of that voice. It was that creepy little devil that lives in Kira's head. "He was trying to take my Andy away. It was his fault Andy is so busy nowadays to pay attention to Kira."

"Yao, go get Artie and get out of here." I told him. "Take my phone, I'll let you know when it's safe." Yao nodded and disappeared downstairs to retrieve the sleeping toddler, then edge outside. There was a a standoff between me and the 'possessed' Kira. There was no helping Ivan, he was still alive, but I can't move him on my own.

"Kira...this isn't cool. I'm sorry, but...!"

"He ordered the baby for you. You know that? I was being crowded out of your life, luv. I just found him on the computer, ordering ANOTHER for you. Do you want to know who?"

I shook my head as Kira stepped closer, grabbing my chin and craning my head up so I had to choice but to look at her bright red eyes.

"When it arrives, nothing will change. Andy is mine, forever and ever and ever." She let out a childish cackle and released me, wrenching the door open and disappearing. I waited until the roar of a motorcycle came careenign from our driveway and into the road for me to sink to my knees. I couldn't breathe, the adrenaline pumping through me fast. Was I a sick bastard for loving the adrenaline that came when Kira started acting possessed? Most likely, but I couldn't help it, I've been sick one way or another my entire life.

"00~?" I looked down, seeign Ivan looking up at me half-lidded, a childish grin on his face. "Is 00 alright?"

I smiled sadly and dabbed at the blood with my apron. "I'm fine, Ivan. Thank you for protecting me."

"I promised, didn't I?" Ivan reminded me, and sat up but lost his grip and collapsed onto me, his head meeting my shoulder. "Sorry, 00. I will be better in a moment. Where is Yao-Yao? Nana didn't hurt him, did he?"

"No. I had him take Artie and leave. I'll call them back when we get you off the floor." I told him, lettign him use me as a crutch as we stood and he limped into the living room, collapsing on the couch. "Ivan...Nana is not well, so please...don't hold this against her. There is a devil in her head that makes her do things like this."

Ivan frowned. "00...Nana scared you so badly, you couldn't stand!"

I blushed. "Please, Ivan..."

Kira was still not back by the next morning, and breakfast was a quiet affair, until the ringing of the doorbell froze me up as I was feeding Artie. China took the spoon, freeing me up to open the door to whoever was leaning on the bell so insistently.

"Morning, ma'am!"

I sighed. "Another one? Look, I stopped ordering these ages ago, why are you still bringing them?"

The delivery man gulped at the look on my face. "Sorry, ma'am...not really my department. So if you could please sign, then you can just call the company..."

"GAH!" I yelled angrily, signing the paper and throwing it at him. "Bring it in, then. But if I end up with another one after this, que Dios se apiade de tu alma inutil!" I screeched at him, slipping into spanish, not even bothering to look at the manual.

"00? Is Nana home?" Ivan peeked into the room, to see the delivery guy bringing in a crate.

"No Ivan. It's a new friend." Russia smiled.

"Yay~! But this friend is for 00 only!" Russia said. I gaped at him.

"Q-que? What do you mean a friend for me?"

"Well, I have my Yao-Yao, and Artie is too young, and I don't like Nana anymore,so this friend is for you!"

I spun to face the nost delivery guy. "If your done, get the fuck out of my house!" I growled, slammign the door shut after them. "Ivan...do you have ANY idea, the consequences of what you just said and did?" I asked lowly. "I have been with your Nana since I was a baby. I was abandoned by my parents, and your Nana saved me. COUNTLESS times, your Nana saved me. So you got me a 'friend', because you don't like your Nana any more? Ivan...that devil possessed Kira because she found out. Your Nana pretends to be strong, but she's only strong because I make her strong. You broke your Nana, Ivan..." I leaned my head against the door, trying to get some air in my lungs.

"I-ivan, aru? Can you finish feeding Artie, aru?"

"Sure thing, Yao-Yao~."

A slim hand fell onto my shoulder. "Don't blame this all on Ivan, aru. It was my fault as well for talking him into it."

"I don't blame anyone, Yao. I'm just trying to fit the jigsaw in my head together. I'm tired, I'm going to go take a nap. Will you wake me when Kira comes home?"

"Yes, I'll send Ivan down, aru."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"Andy? Time to wake up, aru!"

"Mrrp."

"No way, aru. You have to eat."

"Nggrrl."

"If you don't get up, aru, I'll send Ivan up to carry you to the table."

"Grrsh..."

Does this conversation make sense to you? If it does, congratulations. If not, what's basically going on is that it is dinnertime, and Yao is trying to get me up, but me being the stubborn bitch I am, refuse to leave the warm and comfy confines of my bed. But, Yao doesn't like that I'm not eating enough, so dinnertime is very important. And I can't STAND being carried. Especially by my giant of a son...and that's basically what Yao is threatening me with. I grudgingly sat up and rubbed my eyes before putting on my glasses to see that Yao wasn't exactly alone...

"Hijo? If both of you are down here, who's with Artie?" I asked, still kinda too drowsy to enter panic mode.

Ivan smiled. "00's friend is with sestra!" He announced.

"...Huh?" I shrugged off my pajama top and put on a blouse that was hanging over the back of the chair. Why was I already wearing slacks...? Eh, must've been too tired to even change my clothes properly. Maybe it's time for a doctor's appointment...

The first thing I saw was a slick-blonde head. I knew only one other blonde, but she didn't slick her hair back, so it wasn't my insane cousin...

"Who're you?" I asked. The newcomer turned around.

"Ludwig Beilschmidt. You must be Andy."

I nodded, and took the baby spoon from him. He SO fails at feeding kids.

"Andy Nitedream. And you're getting more on his bib then in his stomach." I scooped some from the jar and plopped it quickly into Artie's mouth.

"...his? Why are you dressing him in girl's clothes?"

"I wanted a daughter. Yao made it happen." I answered easily, taking the seat on the other side of Artie so I wouldn't have to make contact with the German. From the corner of my eye, I could see Yao and Ivan trading looks. "If you two have something to say, then say it!" I snapped.

"No idea what you're talking about Nana!" Ivan answered smoothly. "In honor of our new comrade, Yao-Yao is making something special!"

I sighed. Of course he was. "It's dysfunctional, crazy, and half the time we have no idea what the other is saying, but it's our family, and yours if you want it." I told him, wiping off Artie's face before unsnapping his bib. "Yao, did the living room get cleaned up?"

"Sure did, aru! Ludwig helped!" Sure enough, no sign of the crate to be found. Or any dirt whatsoever, including the mud the deliverymen tracked in.

Okay, I offically like this unit =D

But now I have nothing to do.

Fuck.

I so phail at life.

"Is there anything wrong?"

I turned to look at the bonde newcomer. I grinned.

"Nope! Just wasn't expecting you to clean up after yourself. Not even Ivan cleans up after himself. Yao does, but that's because he's just as much a housewife as I am."

"A housewife...then where is your husband?"

"Eh...Kira left for awhile...but she'll be back! She'll be excited to meet you."

I don't think he quite believed me, but whatever. I could really care less. I got a hot German to keep me company! =D LOL

Ya'll want a shojo scene? As I was going around him to go back into the kitchen, I tripped over the couch leg *coughAGAINcough* and started falling forward, squealing slightly. My hand didn't even touch the carpet before a rough pressure around my chest caught me.

"Hey, are you alright?" I looked up, catching a glimopse of a dark ponytail ducking out of sight before looking back at worried blue eyes.

"Eh...heh heh. Opps? I really need to move that damned couch. I trip over that thing at least three times a week." Germany looked like he was considering shipping himself back to the factory.

"You honestly can't be that clumsy."

I stuck out my tongue childishly and chuckled. "Kira once put me in a bubble, just to see if I could keep from bruising for an entire week. It popped three hours later."

Germany sighed and pulled me upright, his arm staying in place a moment longer than necessary.

"Y-your chest..."

I looked at him curiously, inwardly laughing at his red cheeks. "What about it?"

"I-it's not..." His voice failed him bigtime. "Nevermind, it's nothing."

Ha, there's your shojo scene.

And no, it wasn't needed =D

But I am continuing that little chest argument. Just because it's funny watching the great Germany turn into the cherry's cousin.

"Seriously, what about my chest?" I asked, turning to him completely and putting my hands on my hips.

"It's nothing! Absolutely nothing!"

I grinned after a second, then gave him sly eyes. "I get it...you're a pervert!" I accused. "You felt me up!"

"No! I wouldn't...!"

"If you wanted to look, you could've just asked. I don't have anything to hide." I told him, moving to lift my shirt up, but his hands took ahold of it, forcing it back down.

"That isn't necessary! Really!"

"...You idiot." I pouted and turned away, leaving him dumbfounded.

Heh...maybe I just like fucking with people's minds? It is fun after all...

A loud pounding sounded from the front door during dinnertime, coupled with low murmurings.

"What's going on, aru?" China asked, frowning.

"_MI PRESIOSO TESORO~~_I seemed to have forgotten my key! The car is here, can you hear me? Andy!"

"Nana is being too obnoxious. She'll scare sestra." Ivan frowned, standing up. I jumped up and grabbed his shoulder to stop him.

That voice...that creepy little double-toned voice. That devil hadn't left Kira alone yet? Of course...she left before I could do anything...but it's been in control for so long...

"00?" Ivan called out. I snapped my head to look over at him, then over at my shoulder at the puzzled face of Ludwig, and Yao's angry face.

"Yao, take Artie and hide in the back hallway, within easy reach of the back door so you can escape if needed. You two should-"

"Nana is scaring 00 again, isn't she? That's not very nice." Ivan interrupted, bringing his faucet pipe out from under the table. Ludwig stood as well, putting his hands on the table.

"I am not understanding this! What is going on?" He demanded.

"MI PRESIOSO TESORO! I hear voices! Are you home?" The calling voice was coupled with impatitent poundings.

"Go." I whispered harshly and went to answer the door, coming face to face with the schizo blonde. "Kira..."

Her arms went around me, and buried her face into my hair.

"Mi presioso tesoro! You're okay! You didn't answer the door right away, so I thought something happened!" She looked around the living room and as much of the kitchen she could see, as if looking for someone.

"Where are the children? Isn't it dinnertime? You and Yao are usually so punctual with mealtimes..."

"They went out for the night...and being on my own, well...Not much use spending time on cooking a meal for a single person. I actually just got done eating ramen...if you're hungry, I can make you something." I stepepd aside, letting the enemy in the house. But she froze at the doorway leading into the kitchen.

"Andy...I don't like ti when you lie to me." She frowned and turned to me. "There's abandoned dinner plates on the table." I cursed, not paying attention when she reached over and grabbed my shirt, pulling me towards her. "Mi presioso tesoro. Tell me the truth."

"The truth? You want the truth?" I asked, trembling slightly. I grabbed the hand still holding onto my shirt and glared up at her, seroing in on the blood-colored pupils. "YOU'RE A DEMON!" A sharp pain came from my cheek, but I didn't stop. "Kira! You're acting crazy again! Get ahold of yourself, or I'm LEAVING!" She froze slightly and frowned. The bloody pupils dimmed.

"Andy...You can't leave me Andy..." She carressed the cheek she backhanded and fixed my glasses, before bending down and nuzzling the unhurt side of my face as she circled ehr arms around my waist.

"I'm so sorry, Andy...don't leave me..."

I relaxed my shoulders some. "Kira..."

"Especially...since you have no where else to GO!" She started squeezing my midriff, closing me into her harder and harder. It was getting hard to bring air inro my lungs.

"Together...forever...Andrew Andrea. My little Andy. Mi presioso tesoro."

"Ki...ra...sto...p..." I gasped, wasting precious oxygen. My vision began to dim. A loud crack came from my side, stinging pain shooting from each nerve in the area. I screamed out. The bitch must've broke one of my ribs! Dammit, those are a pain to heal!

"00!" I smiled at the name and let myself fall to the floor when the pressure released me.

I woke up, my sight beyond blurry, worse then when I'm without my glasses.

"Oh! Mr. Nitedream, you're awake!" I looked over to see a little scrappy thing in nurse's scrubs messing around with an IV. Wait...

"What...? Mr. Nitedream...so Kira's here too...?"

"I'm sorry? Oh, Mrs. Nitedream...she's currently in the ICU. That bullet tore only tore through the scar tissue on her liver, but there was still a lot of internal bleeding." The nurse looked genuinely concerned. I was confused, or delusional from the meds. Whichever.

"But...I'm Andy...so how is Mrs. Nitedream...? Did I...?" I lifted my hand to check if I really was still in my body. Yup. There's that scar on my wrist.

"I'm sorry? Well, these painkillers must've made you a little loopy. Anyway, your family is in the waiting room if you wish to see them, Mr. Nitedream."

"...Yeah..." I nodded slightly, and picked up the glasses I spotted on the table. Well, at least my vision isn't blurry anymore.

"Andy, aru!" Yao rushed in first, holding Artie. Ivan followed after his enthusiastic wife, Ludwig following them.

"00 is okay now?" Ivan asked, holding my hand. I smiled up at my psuedo-son and blew a lock of hair out of my face.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Ivan."

"You gave us quite a fright, Andy." Ludwig remarked. "For a moment, I thought we'd lost you."

I squeezed Ivan's hand. "Who was it that nearly killed my husband...?" I asked. The three wouldn't look me in the eye. Ludwig cleared his throat. I looked over at him.

"Forgive me, Mrs. Nitedream. I don't know what came over me...when I saw him hurting you...I overreacted. I can never repay you for taking me into your home, and how I repay you is by shooting your husband..."

"It was you, aru?" Yao asked, astounded. Ludwig nodded hesitatingly.

He looked up, shocked at my chuckling, soon joined in by Ivan.

"It was a demon in Kira's skin. After she was done with me, she would've came after the rest of you. Kira...Kira has been dead for so long...I think you saved her as well, Ludwig. That demon in her head...That DAMN demon from the scum pits of hell..."

I wasn't allowed out of the hospital for a week after I woke up. I'd only been there a few hours when I woke up, which explained why that intern had no idea that the Mister and Missus roles were swapped. She must've gotten it at one point, because she made it a point to return and offer her regular updates on 'Mr. Nitedream'.

I'm still numb over that...I understand that yes...the Kira that has been under the same roof as me for the last few years was dead. She died by Ludwig's hand, because he was protecting me.

Kira...

Kira is...

Kira is DEAD...

But not the Kira I wanted. That Kira was still alive. In the end, when it finally came through, the tears were ones of relief. Not over that demon in my cousin's skin, but over the real Kira. The one that protected me since I was a infant, and she was five. Five years difference, and yet she was with me every step of my life. From when she took me away from my abusive mother as a baby when she returned from kindegarten, then grade school. To having her teacher excuse her early so she would be there when I was let out of school. To when she gave up High school halfway through so she could get a job during my school hours so she'd have her own place that I could escape to. To when I graduated high school and Kira 'proposed' to me, just to piss off my mother and her father. Abuela...she knew everything that went on. That's why when it came time for her to make her will, she struck everyone against us off the list, pissing off a lot more relatives.

That's when Kira thought up the idea of changing our names, then selling abuela's house to ourselves. Before we were Andy and Kira Nitedream, we were Andrew Rodriguez and Katrina Vasquez. Our abuela's lawyer, who then became OUR lawyer, wasn't the cleanest of lawyers, which is why abuela used him. He made our marriage 'legal', given our familial circumstances, then erased Andrew and Katrina off the radar. Despite it all, my mother still found us, and word spread through my side of the family. Kira, the lucky brat, washed her hands clean of her family after that man-to-man fight with her father, and fully renounced herself as part of their clan. My family still came calling now and again, because, to tell the truth, in the end we were sloppy in covering our traces.

That past is etched in stone and my memory. Despite the beatings, the depression, and the sickness that came over my body again and again, I wouldn't trade her for anyone. Kira was mine, and the many memories we made will never change that.

Home was quiet with Kira still in the hospital. And you can guess who caused that. I knew I should've stayed in bed.

"Andrew!"

"Mother." I looked at her levelly when her shadow crossed over the garden that I was laying hay over to protect somewhat from the oncoming snow. No emotion showed across my face, despite wanting to take a cleaver to her head. "Why are you here...?"

She slapped me. I put a hand to the throbbing redness. "Ouch."

"How dare you speak to me that way, you insolent brat! What is with those clothes? Even now, you dirty everything you touch with your uncleanliness!" She seethed. My father came from behind her and grabbed her hand.

"Miriam, enough. We are not here for that. This is a solemn occasion. Our son nearly lost the safety and support of his best friend."

"He probably tried to kill her. Making friends with Katrina was the only thing you have ever done right! At least she kept you out of my face as much as possible! Yet, at the end of the day, you still shadowed the doorstep!"

"It's not like I wanted to." I murmured. She didn't hear me.

"And now she's gone! Who's going to take care of you now?" She demanded.

"Miriam, that's is no need for such harsh words..." She rounded on my father.

"AND YOU! So soft, and always loved that piece of trash more than me! Even when you found out he whored himself around while Katrina wasn't looking!"

"GO TO HELL!" I shouted, making the two start and look at me. "LIKE I HAD A CHOICE! LIKE ANY VICTIM IS GIVEN A CHOICE!"

"00, do you want them to go?" Ivan came up from behind me and put a sturdy hand on my shoulder.

"Who are you?" Father asked, strong but soft.

"Ivan is my and Kira's son. But he has no relation to YOU. I am financially secure thanks to abuela, as for support and safety? I have my family. I have my son, my daughter and daughter-in-law, and a special friend. It's my real family, the one that Kira started for me, and left me with in case something happened, knowing I'd be safe and happy, once I was done mourning for her. And I'm done. Now I know she can't protect me forever. So I forbid anyone related to this accursed family that cast me aside from ever even allowing their shadows darken my property."

The weight of my words weighed heavily on everyone's eardrums, but allowed Ivan to smile darkly.

"Your son? Your SON? YOUR SON? SUCH ABOMINATIONS UPON MANKIND! You and Katrina being involved THAT WAY is DISGUSTING! FILTH! WHORE! INCARNATION OF SIN! REPENT IN HELL!" She grabbed my hair and threw me to the ground. Ivan produced his faucet pipe and slammed it across her stomach, making her choke and gargle before vomiting on the carpet.

"Come on, Miriam." Father led her out of the building, having to drag her the rest of the way when she collapsed.

"Are you alright, 00?" Ivan asked, lifting me to my feet and straightening my jacket the best he could with his large, unskilled hands.

"Enough, aru! You're gonna make it come apart completely, aru!" Yao handed Artie to the Russian and started undoing the damage.

"Seems your life has never been easy." Ludwig commented, pushing me towards a lawnchair before I collapsed from my wobbling legs. I chuckled wearily.

"Actually...the best years of my life...were after me and Kira got married. It made my past bearable. And I got you guys now, so I guess it won't be so bad."


	22. Alternate Chapter 9

Yeah, no. Even the alternate timeline has the sex scene. And I know it still sucks. Don't blame me, blame the writing staff. Oh shit...I AM the writing staff! Well...fuck... (Yeah, I totally quoted Naruto Abridged. MASAKOX Y U QUIT N.A!)

Chapter 9:

Okay, wtf?

"We're leaving now, aru!" Yao called cheerily,appearing in the kitchen doorway with a suited-up Artie on his hip.

"...You're leaving? To where?" I asked, my glasses sliding down my nose from when I looked up from my laptop.

"For Artie's baby pictures, aru! We'll be back!"

"Goodbye,00!" Ivan called as well before the front door closed.

"...As it's my money they're spending, shouldn't they inform me ahead of time when they're doing things like this?" Kira asked rhetorically. Ludwig nodded absently. The pressing silence from the rest of the house made things uncomfortable.

"I think...I shall go gather wood..." Ludwig stood, reaching for his coat.

"We have enough wood to last us through the rest of winter, Ludwig." I frowned. "If you cut down any more trees, you'll decimate the store for winters to come. Half the wood out there will rot before the next cold season as it is."

That stopped him. I sighed. "If being alone with me is that hard, I can go grocery shopping, I suppose, while you watch the house..."

"Uh, no, no! It's not that...actually...to tell you the truth...I'm a little worried that being alone with a male would give you another attack..."

"I'm taking my medication again..."

"You would start again with prompting from Mister German-Badass over here." Kira grinned knowingly and stood, stretching.

My fingers paused on the keys, making Ludwig look up at me from the newspaper.

"What's that supposed to mean!" I demanded, my ears pounding. "Fuck you, Kira, I'm going to make some coffee...anyone else want any?"

"Yes, if it's not too much trouble." Ludwig responded with a small smile.

Damn European people...Except Ivan and Artie, because they're my babies. Goddammit Ivan, why did you get Germany to be my 'comrade'?

I switched on the radio for background noise, starting to hum along with a 3 Doors Down song. Looks like I caught it halfway through. Germany listened to it, frowning.

"What is this?" He asked, turning in the chair slightly.

"Citizen Soldier." I told him, pausing in my humming so I could sing along with the lyrics. "_Hope and pray that you never need me but rest assured I will not let you down, I walk beside you but you may not see me, the strongest among you may not wear the crown~on that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care, I'll be right here~On that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear, I'll be right here~ _It's a good song. One of my favorites from this band."

"Ja. The words are somewhat inspirational."

"...Honeslty, I never thought it as inspirational. More like how people should be. What does a soldier fight for, Ludwig?"

"To protect and serve their country." He answered automatically. I nodded.

"Well, I wasn't thinking of 'serve', but the protecting part. There are people who can't protect themselves, so there are those who take an active role in protecting them. To basically be a soldier without actually being one. Am I making sense?"

Ludwig nodded. "Amazingly, yes."

I brought the mugs back to the table and resumed typing as Lady Gaga started playing 'Alejandro'.

I love my radio station. It was silent between us again, finally ticking me off.

"If you don't atart talking about something, I'm going to start fucking stripteasing." I growled. Ludwig coughed on his coffee, some of the scalding liquid going down the wrong way.

"WHAT?"

"YEAH, TAKE IT ALL OFF!" Kira cheered. "C'MON BABY, GIVE PAPA A LITTLE SUGAR!"

"Don't you have a job to go to!"

"Nope! Winter Break!"

I sighed and powered down my laptop. "I'm going to go take a shower..."

"WHAT? We left the house just so you two can hook up, aru!" Yao scolded the blonde when the Chinese man asked if their plan worked. "A striptease and a shower, aru? Are you that thick, aru?" Ivan was in the background, doing his 'kolkolkol' thing, while Artie just played with some alphabet blocks that Yao got for him. Yao turned his back on the ashamed German and started muttering.

"Guess we'll have to be trickier than before..." He turned on his heel and pointed at Germany. "You stay here and look after Artie, aru! Me and Ivan have to go pick something up from the pharmacy, aru!" He grabbed Ivan wrist and took off before the German could protest. Artie looked over at the German, the two blondes having an impromptu staring contest.

"...Hard to believe a young one like you ends up as mein enemy..."

"This place is a sanctuary." I told him, leaning against the doorway. "Past grudges and future wars are averted. The only thing to fear was mine and Kira's wrath. But with Kira out of it half the time, there is only me, but I can't do much with this body." I stooped down, stacking Artie's blocks.

"Mum mum mum mum!" Artie chanted, gurgling happily as he reached over to hug my arm.

"How long have you been standing there?" Germany asked, nervous that their little plan was discovered.

"Ludwig, I knew from the start. Seriously, Yao and my son are not that sneaky." I chuckled a bit. "I'm not the kind to allow others to play me a fool, but I'm going to go along with Yao's next plan. Unless you aren't really as interested as you claim to be."

"I-I am! It's not that simple for me, though. After all, you keep saying we are family, but family does not get romantically involved...and you are still married...I am in your debt for needlessly caring for me..."

"So you're shy AND have a complex." I deadpanned. "Ludwig, you are an idiot. Unless you haven't noticed, this family is nowhere near normal. Me and Kira aren't really married, it's all fake so nobody in this deadend town sneer at me for living with an unmarried guy. But I can't let that stop me more than it already has. I have so many scars, I refuse to find someone else who will undoubtedly give me more. So, since this sentimental bullshit I'm sprouting is too much for you, I'll dumb it down for you." With that, I strode across the living room,planting a knee between his spread legs, and conquered his mouth in one smooth move. After a moment, I stood and left the room, leaving behind a shocked Ludwig and a oblivious Artie.

Kira stopped me when I entered the kitchen to go into my room.

"...You love him, don't you?" She asked, looking down into the sink. I started, not seeing her when I first came in.

"If I did, what then? I'm married to you. Maybe just in name, but you know how I am. and you know how Ludwig is. Neither of us will engage in an affair while I'm with you. All we can do is flirt."

"Just shut up, Andy. I already know." Kira growled, making me jump. I went tense, ready to bolt for either my room or the living room. Especially when I saw her fingers grip the edge of the counter until cracks started forming. "...I'll contact Ted tomorrow and get the divorce papers drawn up. Ludwig asked to court you. I gave my permission."

"...What?"

"Just because you're of age doesn't mean I stopped being your guardian. Ludwig is a respectable man, German-Made for god's sake. He'll treat you right." Kira ungripped the counter and turned to me with her normal happy-lucky smile. "If he screws up, let me know so I can shoot him in the vital regions, okay?"

I smiled back, still a little unnerved. "Will do, Kira." I approached, still slightly on edge but hiding it, and hugged her. "Thank you so much, Ki-ki." She just laughed and hugged me back.

A few days later, I was down in my room, working on the large painting that has been in progress for the last four years, singing along to the playlist on my desktop.

"_What you got, what you want, what you need, gonna be your savior, everything's gonna crash and break~_"

"Andy, aru! I brought you some tea!" Yao said, coming downstairs with a small tray with a lone cup.

"Thanks." I muttered absently, trying to decide between slate and midnight paint. I ended up just mixing together plum and indigo to create a qipao China had yet to wear. I'm surprised he hasn't thrown them all away in exchange for more...masculine clothing.

"I would like to see the finished painting when it's done, aru."

"Yeah. Send Ludwig down, would you? I wanna get a precise match on his coloring." I mumbled and took the mug, not even noticing when Yao disappeared upstairs.

"_I'm not the one who's so far away when I feel the snakebite enter my brain~ never did I wanna be here again, and I don't remember why I came~_"

"China said you wanted to see me." I turned and waved him over, staring at his hair.

"Wanted to make sure I got the coloring right..." I murmured, making him bend his head so I could rake a hand through it. "Made it too dull..." I let him go and turned back to the painting, chewing on my lip as I grabbed my mug, licking my lips.

"Should open up a tea shop..." I voiced. Ludwig nodded after a moment.

"Is this all you needed me for?"

I sighed. "Yeah...I'm finished for the-" A burning started in the pit of my stomach, making me gasp and drop the mug in my haste to grab my midriff. "Argg...oww..."

"Andy, are you alright?" Ludwig asked, panicking slightly as sweat dripped down my face. He grabbed the cup and sniffed it. "I don't detect any poison...an allergic reation maybe?"

"L-ludwig..." I gasped, pulling at the long shirt I was wearing over bicycle shorts. "It hurts, Lud..."

The blonde pulled me up into a bridal lift and deposited me on the bed, getting ready to go call for Yao, when I grabbed his shirt and pulled him down on top of me. I moaned when his hand unintentionally brushed against a sensitive part of my anatomy.

"Ah! Forgive me, I didn't mean to...!" He sputtered, trying to lift himself back up.

"L-lud...wig...please..." I unintentionally moved my pelvis so his still raised hand could touch that part of my body again. "I'm gonna die..."

Ludwig gulped and helped to pull my shirt over my head, revealing pale skin and dusky nipples, along with a few pink, raised marks across my stomach and sides. His thumbs followed each line from my neck, down to the waistline of my shorts before pulling them down to my knees.

"Andy..." Germany whispered. I whimpered, pulling myself up by his neck to attack my mouth to his.

"Lud...hurry..." I whimpered. Germany growled and grabbed a straw ball of yarn that escaped from my craft box while I was looking for a extra painting pallet. He grabbed my hand and started twining it around my wrists, over and over until it was too thick to break through. He flipped me over onto my stomach, nipping at my neck as he used my saliva as a lube substitute. I whimpered, driving myself back against his fingers, straining my shoulders as he held my bound hands down against the mattress.

"Ready?" He asked unnecessarily, his voice a bit rough. I made a keenign sound, swaying my hips until he held my hip fast with his free hand before driving home. The sudden invasion made my back arch and a pathetic cry spring from my lips.

"L-ludwig...!" I whimpered loudly, my knees threatening to collapse already. I could feel more wetness coming from inside, most likely some of my blood vessels havign been severed from something so large enter me so roughly. Note to self, spit SUCKS as a substitute for lubricant.

He started withdrawing slowly, then snapping his hips forward, burying himself back in to the sound of my drawn-out moans. Again and again he buried himself balls deep withing my hole, letting wrists go in favor of stroking my leaking dick roughly, his calloused hand providing just enough friction to drive me crazy with the slow strokes.

"L-lud-w-wig...!" I cried out when he finally hit that shriveled gland inside me, white blocking my vision as I emptied onto my bedspread. A rush of something liquid pushed against my prostate, furthering my orgasm until I was a crying, spasming mess in my own cum. Ludwig took his time, breaking the yarn strands two at a time until my poor chafed wrists were free, and he pulled a boneless me into his lap. I couldn't even move as I fought for breath.

"B-besame...Ludwig?" I requested. He looked down at me weirdly. "Kiss me?" I asked again, back into my plainly spoken english. He granted my request.

"...Are you alright? Andy?" He asked.

I nodded slowly, too numb to move as he lifted both of us off the bed and take off the soiled sheets one-handed and wiping me off with them before laying me down on my bed and cover me with the quilt. I opened my eyes a slit to smile over at Ludwig.

"Lud...?" I murmured. "Next time Yao wants to put an aphrodiasiac into my tea, warn me first...?" I requested as he redressed himself.

"I will. Rest, Andy."

I nodded and fell asleep, missing him mouth something over to my unconsious form.

"Did you two need to be so loud, aru?" Yao asked, exasperated when the blonde reappeared from downstairs. Germany blushed.

"Andy asks that when you drug his tea again, to warn him. He thought he was dying at first." He told him, going to the second floor to use the shower, missing the flustered expression on Yao's face.

"YOU DRUGGED HIM! WHAT THE FUCK!" Kira yelled. "Ivan, fetch my musket!"

"You do not own a musket, _nana._" Ivan chuckled a bit.

"...Oh. Where's my chainsaw!"

"You set it on fire last week, aru. That's why Andy outlawed moonshine." China deadpanned.

"...Oh. Meat cleaver?"

"In the dishwasher, Kira." Ludwig sighed.

"GODDAMMIT. YOU ALL FAIL. FOREVER. NO QUESTIONS."

My eyes felt as if they were glued together as I sat up, hissing at the pain ravaging through my backside. My hips were on fucking fire! Dammit! TT^TT And I was not enjoying the dried-up itchiness attached to my skin.

"Fucking hell!" I yelped, standing up slowly and grabbing my robe before heading upstairs. "Good morning~." I called out groggily.

"Mummy!" Something tackled my stomach and nearly made me fall over. I looked down to see a mop of sandy-blonde hair coming up to my waist.

"Huh...?" The blonde looked up, letting me see the caterpillar-eyebrows and emerald eyes.

"Arthur...? You...you're..."

"I'm big now, Mummy! Big brother and big sister said so!" His eyes glittered. "Now that I'm big, can I be a big brother too?" I chuckled.

"Maybe, Artie. I don't think mummy is up to anymore kids, and I'm sure big sister would like a rest as well."

"You're awake. How're you feeling?" I looked over to see Germany sitting at the table, and I suppose ignoring the death glares Kira was sending him. I lifted Artie up into his booster seat and sat down as well, wincing when my rear came in contact with the hardwood chair. I really need to get cushions...eventually.

"Could be better. You didn't really go easy on me, considering..." He looked as if he was holding his breath at that. "It HAS been awhile." I chuckled at his red face when he let it go. "What, you thought I was a virgin?"

If possible, he turned even redder. "This is not appropriate breakfast conversation, especially in the prescence of an impressionable child..."

I just ignored his protests as I powered up my laptop and grabbed the phone.

"What are you doing, Mummy?" England asked, looking over my arm to the computer.

"Mummy has a surprise for big sister, so don't say anything, alright? It'll take awhile, think you can keep a secret for that long?"

Arthur nodded, eyes shining with curiosity. I looked through the corner of my eye to see Ludwig watching the two of us with a small smile on his face. Is he daydreaming or something? Ha! Imagine that, Germany daydreaming while smiling at me and Little!England!

"Well, soon, you will be an adult, so mummy and big sister need something to do with our time. So, mummy was thinking of opening a little tea shop in town. What do you think?"

"LMFAO!" Kira burst out, falling off her chair.

"I think it's a great idea! What do you think, Vati?" England turned to look at the other blonde. I froze, and Germany didn't seem to know what to do, or how to even respond.

"Hmm? Mummy! Mummy, what's the matter?" Artie grabbed my sleeve and started shaking me slightly. I took down my hand and covered his own, a small smile on my face.

"Nothing's the matter, bebe. Just a small headache..."

I thought a moment and smiled. "You and big brother can go out and play in the snow. Mummy needs to talk to Papa and Vati."

"Okay~!" Artie scrambled out of his seat and ran off.

"...Does that mean I'm Papa?"

I had to facepalm. I really did. "You're an idiot, Kira."

"WHAT! WHAT'D I DO!" She wailed.


	23. I'M STILL HERE

Holy mother of god, I'm not dead! o_o  
Sorry about the long-ass hiatus everyone. I really am.  
A lot of shit happened since I last updated.  
I moved three times, my mother died, had to fight for custody over my siblings against my step-dad, got in a car accident that has me unable to work so now I'm on disability, I got married and adopted a baby. Wee.  
Updates will still be far and between so I can pay attention to my partner and my child, but I will try my hardest for those of you that hung in there for me!  
The rewrites will be more than rewrites from here on out, considering I lost my old computer/files and will be completely revamping this, starting with chapter... ONE!

*confetti, streamers, and a Mr. Universe looking motherfucker waving a rainbow flag* 

Well, maybe not COMPLETELY revamping. But I will be making the first couple chapters longer with adding some more shenanigans with Prussia and Pirate!England. I'm also thinking of bringing in Romania a little earlier in to entertain you guys of Alina Dogaru vs Captain Arthur Kirkland. I'm picturing it in my head now, and what I'm seeing is pretty hilarious. I hope I can transcribe it to paper successfully enough so you guys can see it too.  
Once again, Alina is up for adoption, the manual has been uploaded (though I'm going to rewrite it a bit later on) I just ask that you PM me the link to your story so I can read it.

That's it for now, I'll try to have the chapter up by the end of next week.  
Until next time,  
Andy 


	24. HI AGAIN

Hey guys!  
I know, I know. I promised a new chapter, but shit happens.  
But this one is for reals, at least, until June. Not sure what will happen then.  
I'm currently busy with packing up to move (AGAIN), as well as making merchandise for my artist alley table at the soon-to-be local cons.  
That includes plushies of Vocaloids, Homestuck trolls and grubs/wrigglers, Hetalia mochis, as well as My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic themed fleece scarves.  
I have also teamed up with a couple of other artists/cosplayers to start up my own comic called 'Origins', and am currently writing a script for a live-action movie of the comic. If anyone is interested in 'Origins', you can check out the bits and pieces I currently have up on deviantart. The name is: nitedream11691. Hopefully I'll be able to get a premium membership soon so I can change the name and other stuff like that.  
Once I've moved and have my studio back up and running, I'll be hosting either a kickstarter or indiegogo to fund the comic and movie. Everything that isn't used I will be donating in equal parts to The Jani Foundation, the World Wildlife Fund, and UNICEF.  
I'm still working on the prizes for the fundraiser, and would actually like feedback on what I should do for them.  
Anyway, my plans for this fanfiction is:  
1.) I'm starting over completely. I'm keeping this old one up, but the new rewrites and chapters will be going to a new story.  
2.) 'F& It All: Reboot' I have five chapters rewritten already, And will be posting all five at once. A lot of shit is gonna change in the story.  
3.) Omakes. I'm currently making plans for about three more of them. Thinking of posting one every five chapters.  
4.) Once in awhile, I am going to put this on the back burner in the future so I can work on two more stories I have. One is another Hetalia unit story, the other is -censor- -censor- -censor- and completely retarded.  
So, as you guys can see, I'm gonna be really busy, if you include life, cons, and work. I'll be putting aside time every day to do some kind of work, whether its writing or a artist alley item. So please continue to be patient.  
I love you all, and thanks for reading 'F& It All'!

-Andy & Dante

P.S from Dante:

Hey guys! For anyone interested, we'll give you a major spoiler in what's gonna happen in 'F& It All' if you can answer this riddle! Ready? Here it is!  
"If Susan has five apples, and throws two at Johnny's head, who already has three penguins, how many times has he been knocked unconsious?"

Uhh...Danny... that makes no sense. Does it even have a right answer?

Sure it does! It's 8!

...You just gave the answer away, dumbass.

...Well, fuck!

*sigh* Looks like I'll have to do the riddle. *clears throat* And it's less a riddle, and more a trivia question.  
In chapter 10 of 'F& It All', what threesome almost/did happened? And it's ridiculously easy, honestly.

No it's not! My answer was the most obvious one after reading it, and you said it was wrong!

*creepy grin* Re-read it. Carefully.

*PAUSE SO DANTE CAN RE-READ THE CHAPTER*

...OHHHHH! OKAY! ROFL! CRACKKKKKK FROMMMM HELLLLLLL XDDD 


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